"He's Just Not That Into You" - (Thank Christ)

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

He's Just Not That Into You


Let me get this out front and say that the ONLY fucking reason that it was on my Netflix list is because my wife wanted it there.

Sometimes I let her win.

Regardless, let's get to it.

See that movie poster up there for the movie?

It could easily be replaced with this one:


What a giant piece of dogshit.

Listen, you know a chick flick is shit when the woman who wanted to watch it in the first place says this at the closing credits:

Wife: "Well. That was a giant waste of two hours."

Two hours?

Try two hours, nine minutes.

Killing myself would take less time, and I'd probably laugh more doing it.

The two bright spots:

1) Scarlett Johansson is in it AND getting her boobs groped while wearing a bra!

2) See #1.

There were more fucking people in one of the most convoluted 'he said'/'she said' plots than Jon and Kate discussing who they were going to have an affair with next.


Mmmm.

Kate.

Sure, it would be like screwing an open window after her 8 kids...but whatever.

Regardless, this crapfest makes it on my 'Moog's Awful Movie List.'

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


The single splat is simply to acknowledge Scarlett's sweet, sweet boobies.

So, I guess there WERE two reasons to like the movie.

Her left one, and her right one.

Moog out.

***********************
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"Marley and Me" - Honey...Have You Seen My Testicles?

Today I'm reviewing:

Marley and Me


Fucking Ay.

Marley and Me.

I'm going to go off on a tangent here and instead of giving you the plot and characters and shit, I'm just going to give you a quiz.

Here goes:

Q: How do you know if you should rent Marley and Me?

1) Are you male?

If you answered 'yes' to this, then RUN.

RUN AWAY, MY FRIEND.

Run away from this movie and never ever look back.


Because there is no fucking way in Hell that you're not going to turn into a fucking testosterone-free, ball-less, pussified blubbering jackass woman-like piece of jell-o by the time this movie is over.

If you get through this movie and you're not bawling like 5 year old fat kid who just dropped his Sno-Cone on the hot pavement in mid-July after spending his last 50 cents on it...

...then let me be first to congratulate you on your choice of career in the slaughterhouse industry.


My wife wanted to see this in the theater.

Thank Christ 'The Dark Knight' intervened or otherwise I would have been exiting the fucking lobby looking like I'd just been pepper sprayed for three hours straight.

There's no fucking way, dude, you can watch this and somehow try to maintain the 'head of household' or 'man' portion of the relationship.

Luckily for me, I gave that up years ago.

To the Ladies:

Unless you want to see your man reduced to a slobbering corpse of what he once was, do NOT make him watch this.

Especially if he has a fucking dog. Holy shit...I don't even like my fucking dog and I was damn near close to knitting her a fucking sweater at the end of this movie.

Our time...so...fleeting.

OH SHE SHIT ON THE FUCKING CARPET AGAIN?!?!? MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Fucking dog.

Overall - the story was, eh.

By the way....it is NOT a movie for kids.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me now.

I only have one booty left to knit and my dog's outfit will be complete.

Don't know what you've got til it's gone, ya know.

Stupid dog.

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Role Models - Paul Rudd is my hero

Today I'm reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

Role Models


Yes, hot on the heels of my reviews of "I Love You, Man" and "Monsters vs. Aliens"...

...I present you with my third Paul Rudd movie in three weeks.

Complaints?

None here, bitches.

Paul. Rudd. Rules.


Guy fucking kills me in every movie he's in.

In Role Models, Paul Rudd plays "Danny Donahue", and teams up with Seann William Scott ("Stifler" from the "American Pie" movies) playing "Wheeler"...

(really..? can't this guy get a role where he has BOTH a first and last name?)

...as two guys working for the marketing department of an energy drink company.

Danny hates his job hawking this product and in a fit of rage, ends up getting both himself and Wheeler assigned to Public Service as pseudo "Big Brothers" to unfortunate kids in lieu of jail time.

They finagle this through Danny's now ex-girlfriend, Beth, a lawyer played by the ever increasingly hot looking Elizabeth Banks.


The center is run by Gayle Sweeney, played the crazy hilarious Jane Lynch. If you haven't seen Jane Lynch in anything ("40 Year Old Virgin" and her current role as Charlie's psyciatrist on the TV show, "Two and a Half Men" come to mind), then you're missing out on one funny woman.

Danny gets stuck with a nerdy Dungeons and Dragons geek played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse who you may know better as McLovin from "Superbad."

Wheeler is stuck with Ronnie Shield (Bobb'e J. Thompson) , a kid who swears and throws insults around worse than Richard Pryor.


The movie follows Danny and Wheeler's quest to get out of the mess they're in, get their hours of community service done, and not go to jail.

Along the way, though, they find out that they actually have hearts and minds and can make a difference in someone else's life...if not their own.

How did I like it?

Not bad.

When the first lines of the movie are:

Wheeler: "Guess what I did last night?"

..and then he sticks his fingers in Danny's nose...

...I figured I had a winner.

The end got a bit dumb and a little long...but I have to admit that I laughed a lot at the story.

Especially when Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott start going back and forth where you KNOW they're just ad-libbing stuff...it gets really funny.

My Score: 2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


Now..excuse me.

This Paul Rudd vs. Elizabeth Banks debate may kill me.

I'm going with banks.

Hey.

Guess what I did last night.

Yeah.

I wish.

Moog out.


***********************
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"I Love You, Man" - Yes...yes I do.

Today I'm reviewing:

I Love You, Man



I'm gonna make this short today.

(that's what Lorena Bobbitt said)

Because I'm typing one-handed...

(and not for the reason I want to...my hand is broken (and not for the reason I wanted to for that, either))

...I'm tired of hunting and pecking.

Now I sound like my wife.

Regardless, we went to see "I Love You, Man" this weekend.

It's about a guy named Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) who's marrying an uber-hottie (Rashida Jones - a.k.a. the other hot chick Jim was fucking in "The Office").


Peter realizes that - during the wedding planning - that all his friends are guys...and that he has no real guy friends.

Thus, this movie sets him out on this quest.

He inevitably finds himself paired with a guy named Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), and the movie takes off as they begin their newfound friendship.

It's basically a chick flick for guys.

But it's fucking hilarious.

It starts off slow...but picks up in twenty minutes and just keeps going.

Keep an eye out for Jon Favreau who is his regular genius as an asshole.

Granted, it's not as funny as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but well worth seeing if you love Paul Rudd and Jason Segel movies.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)

One more tip:

Don't leave before the credits.

There's another 5 minutes of movie as they roll.

Now, excuse me.

My fucking hand is killing me now.

Hope you appreciate it.

My penis sure doesn't.

Little guy's been lonely.

Moog out.

***********************
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Ghost Town - What Is David Duchovny Thinking?!

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Ghost Town


Here is the synopsis from IMDB:

"Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais) is a man whose people skills leave much to be desired. When Pincus dies unexpectedly, but is miraculously revived after seven minutes, he wakes up to discover that he now has the annoying ability to see ghosts.

Even worse, they all want something from him, particularly Frank Herlihy (Greg Kinnear) who pesters him into breaking up the impending marriage of his widow Gwen (Tea Leoni). That puts Pincus squarely in the middle of a triangle with spirited results."

Blah..blah..blah...

You got my attention at "Tea Leoni."


David Duchovny let this go?

MULDER!!!

I...I no longer believe.

Idiot.


Regarding the movie:

Eh. Not that good.

Ricky Gervais has some good lines in it, but the movie is pretty predictable and forgettable. Greg Kinnear's character is just weird.

I'd say rent it ONLY if there's nothing else on...and you have low expectations.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me, now.

I have to go do something with this Tea photo...

...anyone know how to Photoshop away this cloth thing she has wrapped around her?

Thanks in advance.

Moog out.

***********************
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Step Brothers - Lbluca Steps UP!

Today, I have a very coveted guest post.

Lbluca77 has graciously accepted a position on the Moog's Movie Review guest couch.

(It only took two martinis and four Rohipnol tablets to score this...but kudos to me!)

Lbluca is reviewing the film:

Step Brothers


Awesome.

I asked her to do this for two reasons:

1) I'm fucking lazy

Actually, that's the only reason.

I saw the movie and agree with everything she says here.

I'm easy like that.

**************
Email from Lbluca:

Ok this was harder than I thought (that's what she said) but still fun. I had to go back and watch some of the parts I forgot in the movie. One of these days I am going to have to learn how to make those fancy pictures you put up. - Lbluca

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The review

Step Brothers

When you have two 40 year old infantile man-children who are delightfully unemployed with the maturity level of a 12 year old that never left home and are then forced to live under one roof after their parents get married there is only two things that are a guarantee:

1) You will hysterically laugh and...
2) You will see a drum set get tea-bagged.


Every second of this movie is hilarious with non stop laughter that you will make you feel like you are walking on a cloud while your penis is tingling.

(editor's note: Um....?)

After discovering they both have adult children that won't leave the nest Nancy (Mary Steenburgen) and Robert (Richard Jenkins) fall in love, get married and make an attempt to blend their two families.

(editor's note: I just realized Richard Jenkins looks almost identical to the guy who plays the President's husband on the new season of "24"....which means I'll never be able to watch that show without thinking of Will Ferrell's ballsack)


Brennan (Will Ferrell) or as he prefers to be called Night Hawk, is an overly sensitive guy that also loves to sing. Then there is Dale (John C. Reilly) who likes to go by the name "Dragon" and enjoys playing the drums and being a bully to Brennan.

Together while sharing a bedroom with two twin beds they make each others life and their parent's life a living hell. That is until they discover a mutual hatred for Brennan's douchey brother and his even more douchey kids.

Once they establish a bond over the love for John Stamos, bunk beds that provide so much room for "activities" and some freakish sleep walking, the fun begins.


This movie makes peeing simultaneously in a toilet with your step brother look fun. Even if you are a girl.

Maybe not.

Eventually the parents get more and more fed up with their childish behavior and tell them they need to get jobs. Good luck. Even with their best efforts to get a job, despite sporting a monkey suits and informing their interviewer "We're here to fuck shit up!" the job hunt was unsuccessful.

(One of the most entertaining parts of the entire film. May I suggest you wear a diaper when you watch this.)

Next time my boss asks me what I am doing I plan on telling her that I am here to fuck shit up.

I am sure she will tell me I can see myself down to HR for my dismissal papers.

Despite there being some "over the top" shenanigans like licking dog poop and being scared of actual 12 year old boys this movie is one of Will Ferrell's best and is a must see...

...especially the unrated version.

Lbluca's Score:

I am giving it 3 mooge splats.


********************
Awesome, Lbluca!

FYI - my wife's friend and her husband COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY HATED this movie.

This is why I don't ask them to do reviews.

I will say this: If you like Anchorman and Talledega Nights, you'll like this.

If you hate those, you'll hate this.

Thanks, Lbluca!

Go read her if you don't already - great blog and a very funny person.

Actually, I'll thank her when she wakes up.

Four roofies might have been too much.

Moog out.

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Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Tropic Thunder - Robert Downey Jr. is Obama-ish!

Eh.

That's pretty much all I can say about after this movie showed up from Netflix:

Tropic Thunder


I had high hopes for this one.

Jack Black.

Ben Stiller.

Robert Downey Jr. made up as a black guy.

(Wait...is it 'black guy' or 'African American'? Colored? Obama-ish? What can I call them these days without offending them? Um...actually...nevermind...I'm probably too late now.)

The plot is comprised of a bunch of movie actors trying to make a Vietnam war movie.

However, to make it more realistic, the director dumps them into the jungle which is, ironically, actually still full of enemy soldiers.

That, in a nutshell, is Tropic Thunder.

In the end, I was, like:

"eh."

I laughed out loud quite a bit, I have to admit.

However, what surprised me was HOW FUCKING GROSS some of the scenes were. I mean, disturbingly, graphically, over-the-top nasty gross.

We're talking "Tonya Harding Porno" gross (click to be nastified...or don't, and save your sanity).

Gross.


In the end, I have to say that I DID laugh...but was totally on the fence after watching this.

The saving grace of this entire movie is actually BEFORE the movie.

You get 'movie trailers'.

The kicker here is that they are "fake" movie trailers from each actor in Tropic Thunder...each one more hilarious than the one before it.

Robert Downey's is classic. Classic.

Then the movie starts.

Eh.

My Score:/span>

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (Out of a possible four)


Now..excuse me...

I have to petition the movie studios to have them make that Robert Downey Jr. flick.

Looks awesome.

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

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***********************

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Hancock - HA! I Wrote 'cock!'

Today, I'm reviewing another item off my Netflix list:

Hancock


I really thought I was going to hate this movie.

Will Smith plays "John Hancock" - not to be confused with "John Handcock" - which, according to the Urban Dictionary is:

a) A man who frequents prostitutes (John), but materbates on, or is masterbated by (handcock) the prostitute, rather than having sex with her, as a means of avoiding STDs.

..or...

b) The act of male masturbation whilst seated on a toilet.

Hey...movie reviews and information about guys who whack off on the toilet.

Where else do you get this shit?

One stop shopping!

But I've digressed.


I really thought this was going to be a movie I didn't like.

However, just like my viewing of "I Am Legend," I expected the worst but was pleasantly surprised after watching it.

As far as the plot:

John Hancock is a superhero hated by the public.

This is because, primarily, he's a complete and utter asshole.

He drinks.

He destroys property.

He hates people and has total disregard for others.

Actually, John Hancock the superhero is much like most New York Yankees fans.

GO SOX!


His one saving grace is the appearance of Jason Bateman and his wife played by Charlize Theron.


Awesome to see these two (Jason and Charlize) again - they last played boyfriend/girlfriend on "Arrested Development" - one of the absolute greatest shows on the face of the planet that nobody f*cking watched.

THANKS FOR GETTING THIS CANCELED, ASSHOLES!

I have yet to see anything Jason Bateman is in where he isn't simply balls-out awesome (see: Juno).

Regardless...the opening 'flying' sequence was really, really cheesy.

The special effects were SO bad, in fact, that it brought back memories of "The Greatest American Hero."

Believe it or not.

See what I did there?

No? How old ARE you?

On that note:

Robert Culp..WHERE ARE YOU?


There's a twist in the movie that I won't tell you about.

However, now that you KNOW there's a twist, you'll be able to spot it about 10 minutes in.

It doesn't ruin the movie, but it would have been better had they held out a bit and not given so much of it away.

Regardless, the Bateman/Theron reunion grants this an extra 1/2 star on top of what I would have given it.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me.

I have some more pictures I need to research of Charlize Theron.

Just call me "John Handcock."

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Zombie Strippers - a Guest Review!!

Hooray!!

A faithful reader has stepped up and answered my call for a review of:

Zombie Strippers

Thanks, Pusher Robot!!

Here goes:

*****************
Moog,

After reading your post regarding the movie Zombie Strippers, I felt it my duty and obligation to immediately put it on my Netflix list and send it right to the top of the queue.


I know what you're thinking:

This is just gonna be a bunch of half naked women parading around for the entire movie jiggling their goodies on screen. Why would I want to see that?

Well ... for exactly that reason.

What? Are you stupid?

Is it my fault that 90% of the movie takes place in a strip club? After all, who am I to judge?

Ok, so here's the deal. If you like "stupid" movies like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" you will LOVE this.

Zombie Strippers is a must see if:

a) you like gore and guts
b) you like boobs
c) you like the funny.

Yes, that's right. This movie is FUNNY.

There are all kinds of humorous bits stuck in throughout this movie, including, but not limited to badgers and an undead cat-fight.

My apologies for the brevity of this review but, well, a dozen dead breasts are calling my name and well, we can't keep them waiting now can we?

Personally I have to give this 3 Mooge splats (out of 4) just for entertainment value alone!


At least that's what we'd give it in the old country!

Pusher Robot

************************
Thanks, Pusher!! Awesome review!

(off to rent the movie now)

Go show Pusher some loving. Zombie-Stripper style.

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

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Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Get Smart - Literally

Today I'm reviewing another movie from my Netflix list:

Get Smart


Good. Movie.

To my surprise, though, this was NOT about the hunt for Pamela Smart.


THAT honor goes to the movie "To Die For."

By the way...true fun-fact about Moooooog:

I went to High School with Pamela Smart.

I rode on the same bus as Pamela Smart.

How they managed to get Nicole Kidman to play Pamela Smart is beyond me.


I'm not even going to get into "Murder in New Hampshire," as Helen Hunt always looks like the sun's in her eyes.

I like Paul Reiser!

But I've digressed.

I wanted to see "Get Smart" in the theater, but having two children and approximately 5 minutes of free time a week tends to kill those hopes and dreams.

Kids.

Regardless - this movie did not disappoint me.

I laughed pretty much through the whole thing.

This tends to piss off my wife a bit, because I have a wicked obnoxious laugh which includes, but is not limited to, me constantly looking over at her to make sure SHE'S laughing as well.

I also sit way forward when I'm laughing really hard.

Sometimes, I fart.

How I actually have a wife is beyond me, sometimes.


There are some clear references to the original TV show, which - apparently - you have to be old to figure out. My wife didn't catch them.

I'm old.

I figured them out.

I need pills for an erection!

Perhaps I've said to much.

Regardless, you can figure out who the 'bad guy' is about halfway through the movie, but it doesn't take away from the laughs.

By the way, keep on the lookout for an appearance by Bill Murray.

He's in this movie for, like, 2 minutes - but they are a hilarious two minutes.

If you like Steve Carell, you will still like him here. I love him (although the restraining order specifically prohibits me from making banners that say this).

Anne Hathaway is also good.

In some scenes, she's hot. Others, eh.


I had to go to her IMDB page to see what she's been in, because I hadn't recognized her.

The only movie I've seen her in is "Brokeback Mountain" (see my review here)...

...and we will not be discussing that here.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


F*cking Brokeback Mountain.

Please excuse me while I go vomit.

*************************

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Harold & Kumar - Ride that Cheetah!!

I’ve never been to a White Castle.

Or Guantanamo Bay.

I’m more thankful for the latter.

However, Harold & Kumar have been to both places.

And it’s f*cking hilarious.

Today, I’m reviewing a double-shot off my Netflix list:

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay


Here are the movies in a nutshell:

Buddy Movie + Stoner Jokes + Lots of Pussy Talk + Toilet Humor + Road Trip + Stupidity

If you can laugh at the prospect of two high guys riding a cheetah, then these movies are for you.

Surprisingly, my wife watched both of them with me.

In the first movie, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, our main characters are wasted and on a quest for munchies.

White Castle hamburgers are the object of their desire.

Now, I’ve never even SEEN a White Castle, let alone had one of their burgers.

(except for the frozen ones we got at the supermarket one time – and I’m assuming that they lose a bit in the translation because I certainly wouldn’t be doing half the shit these guys were trying to get this f*cking burger)


This quest takes them through a fantasmical voyage of such stupidity, that I found myself crying laughing at some points.

Yes - I admit it.

I’m a man, and I cried.

Line forms at the rear of the room, ladies!

The second movie, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, is just regular stupid.

But stupid and funny.

It takes place IMMEDIATELY after the first one – and is WAY over the top compared to the first one as far as believability goes

(listen, when the first one has a scene where the guys are riding a cheetah through the forest, and the SECOND one is less believable, you know you have some storyline issues).

Regardless, it had it’s VERY funny parts including the weirdest ménage-a-trois sex scene sequence you will ever, ever see.

Search "Harold Kumar Threesome" on YouTube if you don’t plan on renting the movies – the clip alone is worth a watch.

Two separate scores here:

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me while I go hunt down a White Castle burger.

Now…where did I park that damn cheetah?

Burn After Reading - A BIL Review

Short review today.

Well, my brother-in-law Derek shot me an email the other day after I asked him if he'd seen "Eagle Eye," as I was tempted to go see it until I saw from rottentomatoes.com that pretty much everyone hated it.

I cave to peer pressure.

(By the way, if anyone saw it, and wants to post a review of "Eagle Eye" here, send it to me)

Here's Derek's email, which includes a short review of:

Burn After Reading

***********************

"Hey - I have not seen Eagle Eye.

I read Ebert's review and he didn't like it at all.

(although to be honest, I need a second opinion because Ebert has changed since his surgery).

I did see "Burn After Reading".

I will say this:

If you like the Coen Brothers, I mean most Coen Brothers, not just Fargo.

If you like "The Big Lebowski," "Barton Fink," "O Brother Where Art Thou;" then I would recommend this movie.

I enjoyed it.

I thought the movie was pretty but the ending was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

I walked out of the theater with a huge smile on my face and not just because I was drunk and high."

********************

There you have it.

A good movie review from someone who may or may not have been drunk and high.

Derek's Score (assumed by me):

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


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***********************
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***********************

Baby Mama (Tina Fey - hot or not?)

Today I'm reviewing yet another movie off my Netflix list.

My apologies, but apparently the only way I can get out of the house to see a movie if it's:

A) Animated
B) 3D
C) Stupid
D) Stars Brendan Fraser (also, see "C")

Ugh.

Today, I'm reviewing:

Baby Mama


Baby Mama is a heartwarming story about a single woman (Tina Fey) who's uterus is apparently drying up as she gets older.

(I heard that a simple tube of lube will help this, but I was not consulted on the script)

Okay - maybe 'heartwarming' is the wrong word here when describing dried up female genitalia.


Regardless, desperately she turns to a Surrogate agency to have someone else carry her child.

This someone else is Amy Poehler who is in a relationship with her "common law" husband, played by Dax Shepard.

Personally, I think Dax Shepard steals every single scene he's in. He really, really needed to be in more of them. Hilarious.


The movie takes about 40 minutes to kick in and start getting funny - which is about the time Amy Poehler and Dax Shepard's characters show up.

Throughout the movie we also have appearances by:

1) Steve Martin
2) Sigourney Weaver
3) Greg Kinnear
4) Maura Tierney

..and more...

...prompting my wife to say:

"Holy crap - there's a lot of people in this!"

The last time we said that was while watching "Vantage Point" which sucked more balls than Paris Hilton at a Chippendale convention...

...so we're not having a good feeling at this point.



(On a side note, "Vantage Point" ALSO starred Sigourney Weaver...so I'm making a note here to not rent anything with her in it in the near future)


There are a couple of twists to the movie, one of which was obvious and one that threw me for a loop.

However, throughout the movie, I kept thinking the following:

1) Greg Kinnear needs a much bigger part in this.

2) Steve Martin could make waterboarding funny.

3) Is Tina Fey hot? She has nice legs...but no top lip. Is she hot?

4) OH MY GOD ALL I CAN HEAR IS "Bessie Higgenbotteom" from "The Mighty B!" every time Amy Poehler speaks.

5) Seriously - is Tina Fey hot or is it the glasses?


Overall, the movie is pretty entertaining and I laughed out loud a number of times.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse my while I head over to hotornot.com and see if Tina's picture is there.

I'm just not sure which way I'll vote.

Moog out.

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