The Review Update..."Transformers 2," "The Hangover," "Doubt," and "Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs"

Because I've been on vacation, and busy, I've been neglecting my movierly (what the fuck?) duties.

So...today...

YOU GET FOUR REVIEWS!!

FOUR!!

Sit down and stop clapping...you're embarrassing yourselves.

Also:

I think I'm hanging up this site.

But I want your opinion on it.

Because...

Two things have come to mind to me recently regarding these reviews:

1) I no longer have the time to continue to write the lengthy movie reviews that I do here and...

2) I'm quickly running out of money going to all these fucking movies

That said, I'm either going to shut this site down shortly...

...or try to get some volunteers to help me out.

* cough

* looking at YOU

Let me know what you think of these shorter, abridged versions and if you think this site is worth continuing if I was to only do them in this shorter fashion.

In the meantime, some short reviews of things I've seen recently:

In Theaters:

Transformers 2: The Revenge of the Fallen

The Pros: 1) Megan Fox

2) See #1

3) Special Effects are excellent

4) See #2

The Cons:

1) Will someone please call John Turturro and tell him that his career called and wants him back?

2) Some scenes don't have Megan Fox in them.

Seriously...what the fuck?

My Score: 2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)



The Hangover

GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE RIGHT NOW.

Are you still here?

Did you not read what I just wrote?!

Get your ass moving!

Funniest goddamn movie I've seen in a LOOONG time.

Awesomeness Awesomenicity.

My Score: 3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)



Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

I have two kids and therefore am required by law to see stuff like this every so often.

However...not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Not as good, either, though.

The saving grace, once again, is that stupid squirrel thing, 'Scrat,' which I sometimes call 'scat' because I'm obsessed with poop.

Don't judge.

My Score: 2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)



From my Netflix List:

Doubt

I believe that this was a contender last year for 'Best Picture.'

Well deserved nomination.

Now, I'm not a fan of Meryl Streep, but she was simply fucking awesome in this movie.

However, this was also the first movie where I looked at Amy Adams and went..

"Hmm...maybe she's NOT that hot."

I never want to have that feeling again.

Great movie though with an ending that leaves you in...well...doubt.

But well worth seeing for the acting, at the very least.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)



Again...

I'm not sure where I'll be going with this site moving forward...

BUT any and all guest posts are welcome.

Also...money is welcome, too.

These tickets are getting expensive.

Moog out.


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Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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"He's Just Not That Into You" - (Thank Christ)

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

He's Just Not That Into You


Let me get this out front and say that the ONLY fucking reason that it was on my Netflix list is because my wife wanted it there.

Sometimes I let her win.

Regardless, let's get to it.

See that movie poster up there for the movie?

It could easily be replaced with this one:


What a giant piece of dogshit.

Listen, you know a chick flick is shit when the woman who wanted to watch it in the first place says this at the closing credits:

Wife: "Well. That was a giant waste of two hours."

Two hours?

Try two hours, nine minutes.

Killing myself would take less time, and I'd probably laugh more doing it.

The two bright spots:

1) Scarlett Johansson is in it AND getting her boobs groped while wearing a bra!

2) See #1.

There were more fucking people in one of the most convoluted 'he said'/'she said' plots than Jon and Kate discussing who they were going to have an affair with next.


Mmmm.

Kate.

Sure, it would be like screwing an open window after her 8 kids...but whatever.

Regardless, this crapfest makes it on my 'Moog's Awful Movie List.'

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


The single splat is simply to acknowledge Scarlett's sweet, sweet boobies.

So, I guess there WERE two reasons to like the movie.

Her left one, and her right one.

Moog out.

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"The Day the Earth Stood Still" - Less Keanu, More Big Robot, Please

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

The Day the Earth Stood Still


Further proof that Keanu Reeves is a phenomenal acting talent.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

I had never seen the original movie and, therefore, did not know what to expect from this one.

However, Rottentomatoes.com lists the approval rating for this flick at 21%.

That means only 1 out of 5 people liked this movie.

I was one of those 5.


I mean..it was not REALLY REALLY REALLY bad...

...but it also was not a little good, either.

Keanu Reeves plays an alien representing a larger faction of Aliens concerned with the state of our planet.

As such, Keanu comes to Earth to save it.

The key here is that he's saving the EARTH...not necessarily the people on it.

(queue porn music)

Woops..wrong music.

(queue suspense music)

Keanu really stretches his acting skills here by having absolutely NO inflection in his voice in any of his lines...

...and I think that maybe I actually saw him turn his head once.

Did someone say Oscar nomination?!?!

*cricket

Sorry.

Stupid question.


Helping to not get Keanu killed by angry Americans is Jennifer Connelly, reprising her role in another movie as an 'is she hot...or would she be really really hot if she just trimmed those fucking eyebrows?' chick.

Seriously...those eyebrows.

They're, like, caterpillar thick.

I'm still on the fence about her.


Regardless...she tries to change Keanu's mind about destroying civilization in order to save the planet.

Does she do it?

Will Jennifer Connelly's eye-caterpillars live to see another day?


You'll have to watch it to find out.

Unless you don't want to watch it.

Which is probably a good idea.

My score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Please excuse me now.

I have to Google more pictures of Jennifer Connelly.

This mystery ain't gonna solve itself, people.

Moog out.

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Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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***********************

"Terminator: Salvation" - Don't Bale if You Like the Series

Today I'm reviewing:

Terminator: Salvation


We're gonna keep this one really short today for two reasons:

1) I'm working

2) I have to poop

I guess I could have combined those two since I really put a lot of effort into my shits.

Whatever.


I got a chance to break away this weekend and see Terminator: Salvation.

I was pretty bummed out after seeing rottentomatoes.com reviews of it...which pretty much said it sucked more ass than Ellen Degeneres trying to save Portia De Rossi from a runaway anal hamster.

Wow.

I'll be dreaming of that shit tonight.

Hooray for me!


Regardless, I went to see it anyway because I had a free pass to the movies.

Hint: If you complain about ANYTHING at the movies, they give you free passes.

Noisy fat assfuck with his hat on fucking sideways in the front row?

Free pass.

No sound for 3.4 seconds of the previews?

Free pass.

Popcorn too salty?

Listen...I know I was the one putting the salt on the popcorn but, seriously, you don't have ANY warning labels about the speed of the pour on the shakers.

Free pass.

You're welcome.

I've digressed.

Here is my synopsis in a nutshell:

If you are a fan of the Terminator series (and I am one of them), you will like this movie.

There are tie-ins to every single other movie - some subtle, some not so subtle, and some you go HOLY FUCKSHIT that was cool!

Guy yelling "Holy Fuckshit that was cool!" in the movie?

Free pass.

Doesn't matter that it was me.

Regardless, since Christian Bale actually stars in about 5 minutes of the fucking movie, don't ignore it just because you can't fucking stand him.

He's almost a non-character.

HOWEVER...

If you know very little or nothing about the Terminator series, this is NOT the place to learn.

You'll be lost and it will just look like a movie with lots of robots and fighting and shit.

Which is still fucking cool but since you didn't see the other Terminators you fucking loser you're gonna be lost.

Then you can complain that the movie was confusing.

Free pass.

I have to give this one two scores:

My Score for Fans of the Terminator series:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


My Score for newbies (i.e., losers - seriously...Terminator? What the fuck is wrong with you not knowing fucking TERMINATOR?!):

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Don't like my two scores?

Free pass.

Seriously. Try this shit.

You're welcome again.

Moog out.

***********************
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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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"Up" - Get Up and Go

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

UP


Finally.

After seeing the horrible fuckshow known as "Night at the Museum 2"...

...I get a movie that is WORTH seeing.

Well worth it.

Suffice it to say, "Up" has earned a place in my top 20 movie list of all time.

Easily.

Yes.

A Pixar animated film has justly joined the ranks of such greats as:

1) Jaws

2) Braveheart

3) The Fugitive

4) Dr. Gonzo's Six-Hour Anything Goes SexFest Extravaganza

Six hours...plus lesbian action...three ways...AND anal?

You don't get much better that THAT, my friends.


Where was I?

Oh.

Up.

To be honest, the movie may be a bit slow and/or confusing for those kids 5 and under...

...as the first 20 minutes of the movie outlines the main character, Mr. Fredrickson, from childhood to old age.

In this period, he meets his wife as a young boy...and the beginning of the film outlines their life together and, eventually, her death.

During this period of the movie, there is VERY little dialog...so very young ones may find themselves fidgeting a bit and needing to have the synopsis here explained.

That being said:

GO SEE IT ANYWAY.

Mr. Frederickson takes it upon himself to see to it that his wife's desire for a life of adventure not go to waste.

This is similar to my desire for adventure.

Unfortunately, 'adventure' for me means 'getting the mail.'

I'm sad sometimes.


Mr. Frederickson thusly rigs his home (on the verge of destruction by a local builder) with enough helium-filled balloons to transport him to the land of "Paradise Falls," a mythical place in South America where he and his wife always dreamed of going.

Things go awry, though, when a local Cub Scout named "Russell" becomes an unwanted stow away.

Long story short, the house eventually lands on "Paradise Falls" which is populated by a rare animal, a man who is trying to hunt it and his pack of obedient dogs outfitted with collars that allow them to talk.

Mr. Frederickson and Russell take it upon themselves to help save the animal from the hunter and - in the end - find their own adventure and a true and lasting friendship.

This movie has something for everyone, and is definitely worth the price of admission.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

I still have 5 hours and 45 minutes of my Dr. Gonzo video to watch.

At 5 minutes per viewing, this is gonna take me forever.

Moog out.


**********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

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***********************

"Quantum of Solace" - Um...Wha..?

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Quantum of Solace


Listen, I'm not a huge James Bond fan.

I'm also not gay.

However, I've seen both Daniel Craig versions and I have to say this:

Sometimes, I look into his dreamy blue eyes and chiseled body and want to be a Bond Girl.

I wish that last sentence never left my fingertips.

Did I mention I'm not gay?


I also mentioned I'm not a James Bond fan.

However, I kinda liked 'Casino Royale,' even though my knowledge of poker extends to these two things:

1) You use cards
2) You must use only your feet unless you're the goalie

One of those may be wrong.


So, with me kinda liking 'Casino Royale,' I decided to rent 'Quantum of Solace.'

How was it?

Three minutes into the movie and I was completely fucking lost.

You know, I should have figured this shit would be over my head when the name of the movie sounds like the title of Stephen Hawking's thesis.


However, there was enough jumping and chasing and shit for me to keep going:

"Oooh. Cool jumping."

...and...

"Oooh. Cool chasing and shit."

There was some plot that involved some weird looking bad guy, and Bond trying to get revenge for the death of the chick I forgot who died in Casino Royale, and something about water in the desert and...

..hold on...

...more jumping.

Cool.

Okay. I'm back.

As far as the 'Bond Girl' in this one?

OH. MY. GOD.

Here she is:


Whoops.

Wrong picture.

Here she is:


Holy fuckshit, Batman.

Now I KNOW I'm not gay.

Mostly.

Regardless...between all the jumping and chasing and hot chicks and incoherent plot and fucking stupid title...

I give it my score.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


You can raise that to 2-1/2 Splats if you value action over being able to understand what the fuck is going on.

Now, excuse me...

I'm working on my own thesis.

It includes that Bond Girl and a lot of lube.

I'm totally winning an award for this.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

"Slumdog Millionaire" - Vijay Patel says Wha?

Today I'm reviewing:

Slumdog Millionaire


I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to see "Slumdog Millionaire" at first.

I know it won Best Picture, but two things started to turn me off to it before I even rented it:

1) I saw a preview that showed the cast dancing that stupid fucking Bollywood shit dance stuff

2) I've been in the computer/technology industry for, like, 15 years now and - really - I thought I pretty much new every Indian person on the face of the planet since I'd worked with most of them.


Wrong on both counts.

That's right.

I was wrong.

Mark your calendar, folks, it doesn't happen often.

Slumdog Millionaire is one of the best movies I've ever seen.

(FYI- that stupid dance shit happens in the credits, thank Christ.)

Once I got past the dialect thing.

You see, I suck with accents.

If you have even the slightest accent, I'm totally fucked in any conversation with you.

Movies with Scottish/Irish actors?

Fuck it. Forget it. I give up after the first five minutes.

I have no fucking clue (or, as you Scottish say, "Feeeckin gloo") what the Hell you're talking about.

How Braveheart managed to be one of my favorites is still a mystery.

FREEDOM!!!!

Sorry.


Regardless, it took me about 10 minutes to acclimate to the accents.

But once I did...

WOW.

RENT. THIS. FRIGGIN. MOVIE.

It's an excellent story set in mostly 'flashback' mode about a poor Indian boy (termed a 'slumdog' - and you'll see why in horrible detail) who gets on the Indian version of the show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'

Listen.

My last rental was fucking Marley and Me and I still find myself crying myself to fucking sleep some nights.

Stupid dog movie - why must you emasculate me so?!?!

So it was good to see a well acted, well written and excellent movie overall.

See it.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


Now excuse, me...

...Vijay Sangesh Patel needs some help in the lab.

I think.

I'm not sure...I can't understand what the fuck he's saying.

Moog out.

***********************
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Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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***********************

"Marley and Me" - Honey...Have You Seen My Testicles?

Today I'm reviewing:

Marley and Me


Fucking Ay.

Marley and Me.

I'm going to go off on a tangent here and instead of giving you the plot and characters and shit, I'm just going to give you a quiz.

Here goes:

Q: How do you know if you should rent Marley and Me?

1) Are you male?

If you answered 'yes' to this, then RUN.

RUN AWAY, MY FRIEND.

Run away from this movie and never ever look back.


Because there is no fucking way in Hell that you're not going to turn into a fucking testosterone-free, ball-less, pussified blubbering jackass woman-like piece of jell-o by the time this movie is over.

If you get through this movie and you're not bawling like 5 year old fat kid who just dropped his Sno-Cone on the hot pavement in mid-July after spending his last 50 cents on it...

...then let me be first to congratulate you on your choice of career in the slaughterhouse industry.


My wife wanted to see this in the theater.

Thank Christ 'The Dark Knight' intervened or otherwise I would have been exiting the fucking lobby looking like I'd just been pepper sprayed for three hours straight.

There's no fucking way, dude, you can watch this and somehow try to maintain the 'head of household' or 'man' portion of the relationship.

Luckily for me, I gave that up years ago.

To the Ladies:

Unless you want to see your man reduced to a slobbering corpse of what he once was, do NOT make him watch this.

Especially if he has a fucking dog. Holy shit...I don't even like my fucking dog and I was damn near close to knitting her a fucking sweater at the end of this movie.

Our time...so...fleeting.

OH SHE SHIT ON THE FUCKING CARPET AGAIN?!?!? MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Fucking dog.

Overall - the story was, eh.

By the way....it is NOT a movie for kids.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me now.

I only have one booty left to knit and my dog's outfit will be complete.

Don't know what you've got til it's gone, ya know.

Stupid dog.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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***********************

"I Love You, Man" - Yes...yes I do.

Today I'm reviewing:

I Love You, Man



I'm gonna make this short today.

(that's what Lorena Bobbitt said)

Because I'm typing one-handed...

(and not for the reason I want to...my hand is broken (and not for the reason I wanted to for that, either))

...I'm tired of hunting and pecking.

Now I sound like my wife.

Regardless, we went to see "I Love You, Man" this weekend.

It's about a guy named Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) who's marrying an uber-hottie (Rashida Jones - a.k.a. the other hot chick Jim was fucking in "The Office").


Peter realizes that - during the wedding planning - that all his friends are guys...and that he has no real guy friends.

Thus, this movie sets him out on this quest.

He inevitably finds himself paired with a guy named Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), and the movie takes off as they begin their newfound friendship.

It's basically a chick flick for guys.

But it's fucking hilarious.

It starts off slow...but picks up in twenty minutes and just keeps going.

Keep an eye out for Jon Favreau who is his regular genius as an asshole.

Granted, it's not as funny as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but well worth seeing if you love Paul Rudd and Jason Segel movies.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)

One more tip:

Don't leave before the credits.

There's another 5 minutes of movie as they roll.

Now, excuse me.

My fucking hand is killing me now.

Hope you appreciate it.

My penis sure doesn't.

Little guy's been lonely.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

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***********************

Watchmen - Long Movie, Long Schlong

Today I'm reviewing:

Watchmen


I was pretty excited to go see The Watchmen, even though I had never read the book or had no idea what it was going to be about.

Good marketing is my achilles heel.

On a related note:

I have no idea why I'm drinking this Dr. Pepper right now.

Tastes like Alec Baldwin's ass after a marathon.

BUT I LOVE THE COMMERCIALS!!

See? This shit just sucks me in.


Regardless, I almost DIDN'T go because when I checked it out on rottentomatoes.com, I noticed two things:

1) It wasn't getting rave reviews

2) It was 2 hours and 43 minutes long

Two Hours. Forty Three minutes.

What. The fuck.

If you're a reader of my reviews, you know that 2 hours is pretty much my cut-off.

I've given specific passes on this rule for awesome movies like Iron Man, though, on the basis that the movie was JUST SIMPLY FUCKING AWESOME!!! WOO HOO! IRON MAN, BABY!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot is set in some weird mutated past and revolves between the 1940's and the 1980's.

In this ficticious history, Richard Nixon is serving as President through the Vietnam War, and continues to serve in this capacity through his FIFTH term.

For some reason never really explained (I think), he has outlawed masked vigilantes (superheroes), thus forcing into retirement a particular high profile group based in New York known as 'The Watchmen.'



The Watchmen are made up of these characters:

1) Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)

Some rich smart guy who would not look out of place on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.


2) The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Rough guy with major morality issues who looks just like a beefed up older Robert Downey Jr.

3) Night Owl (Patrick Wilson)

The last time I saw Patrick Wilson was when I rented "Hard Candy."

Another fucking weird movie.

However, I'm assuming this character appeals to all the fat out of shape nerds who believe that someday, somehow, they'll be able to fly and beat up people and fuck Malin Akerman.

Because this guy looks like shit for a superhero.


Which brings me to...

4) Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)

* penis goes boinnng!

I like this character for two reasons:

a) She is the only superhero I've ever seen wear a suit that has a garter belt

b) She gets laid, like, 3 times in the movie...and we get boobie each time

That's good enough for me.



5) Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)

One of the best characters. Ever.

Bad-ass good guy.

My problem was that I thought this guy was Danny Bonaduce.

So I spent most of the time watching him with his mask off trying to figure out if it was Danny Bonaduce or his brother or cousing or some shit.

So I probably missed some plot points.


Danny Bonaduce fucks my day up yet again.

Long story.

But you couldn't miss:

6) Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

Dr. Manhattan is a guy who had some type of nuclear accident and can now do all kinds of shit like change things and move shit and teleport himself and fuck Malin Akerman twice at the same time by making three of himself to do it.

I'm a little jealous.


Oh yeah:

He's blue.

One more tip:

He's fucking naked for 99% of the movie.

For all you women out there who wanted to see Billy Crudup's penis for hours on end, this is the movie for you.

Me?

Not so much.

I now know, with distinct clarity, what Papa Smurf's dick must look like.

Here's what confused me:

In parts of the movie, he puts clothes on. So, it's not like he CAN'T wear clothes.

So I'm not sure why he feels the need to go without underwear when he's, say, working on his nuclear shit.

I know when I'm building my fission reactor, I always put on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

It's just how I roll.


It's when one of these Watchmen is murdered (known as 'The Comedian'), that the story begins...and the quest to resolve the mystery of WHO killed him and why drives the movie.

In the end, I was, like:

It was pretty good.

There's not enough fighting or action to keep things going quickly, but the narrative is decent and the character development and history of the characters is excellent.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


If you like superhero/science fiction...then you'll probably like this.

If you don't, you won't. It will be long and confusing.

At almost three hours long, it feels long.

Not as long as Billy Crudup's neon-blue prick...but long nonetheless.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************