"Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Orphanage" - A Guest Review

Once again, I let my readers do the reviewing...

...as I basically sit back and masturba...um...relax.

Yes. I'm relaxing.

What?

Regardless, today I have a guest review from Kimberly Mead over at TwentySomething.

She's reviewing the movies:

Pan's Labyrinth

..and..

The Orphanage

Thanks, Kim!!

Read on!

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Pan's Labyrinth

Last year sometime, I saw Pan's Labyrinth.

I thought it was a great movie - though not at all what I originally expected.

The previews made it seem as though it was on the same page as movies such as Narnia, when really it was a thriller / gruesome story about a little girl (Ofelia) who created a fantasy world to deal with the harsh reality she was living in.

In her harsh world – 1944, in Spain – she has just come to live with her military stepfather who doesn’t care for her at all, because he is waiting on the son that her mother was (hopefully) pregnant with, and her mother was struggling with her pregnancy and bedridden.

This is not something you want your kids to see.

There are no sweet, sarcastic beavers like in Narnia.

Instead there are fairies that die if you eat forbidden food, and a scary dude with eyeballs in the palms of his hands that will chase you out of his lair.

Ofelia’s ally is the faun who tells her to complete certain tasks to prove she is the princess of an underground kingdom. (Cue the guy with the eyes in his hands and dying fairies)

The ending is surprisingly uplifting, even though it comes after considerable violence.

The movie was written and directed by Guillermo del Toro, in Spanish with subtitles. It was intriguing, scary, a little gory and overall rentworthy.

*****************

The Orphanage

So, on blockbuster.com, I found another movie Guillermo del Toro worked on - The Orphanage.

It had a similar feel to Pan's Labyrinth in that it was a thriller / scary movie and had a pretty dark story line. (And, also in Spanish with subtitles.)

Basically, The Orphanage starts with a little girl named Laura who lives at an orphanage and is being adopted.

Cut to 30 years later, and she has her own son and husband.

She has just bought the house the orphanage was in 30 years ago and plans to open her own home for children.

Her son, who is also adopted and suffers from an illness, has imaginary friends that are a bit too real to him.

Laura struggles with her rational/mother mode and support of her son when she plays along with his 'imagination'.

Tragedy / a little bit of mystery strikes the family, and the rest of the movie takes you through their ordeal. It’s a bit nuts – you see the things the mother does to solve the mystery and wonder – when are the men in white coats coming to take her away??

It was not at all predictable - which is refreshing since so many movies can be figured out before they are over.

If you can stand a few jumpy scenes and creepy masks - I would recommend renting this.

Just a heads up - I watched it during the day and was creeped out by the masks!


***********************
BOO!!

Did I get you?

Probably not. Okay...back to mastur..

Relaxing.

I'm relaxing.

Thanks, Kim! Great reviews!

And go give Kim a read over on TwentySomething.


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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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"The Day the Earth Stood Still" - Less Keanu, More Big Robot, Please

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

The Day the Earth Stood Still


Further proof that Keanu Reeves is a phenomenal acting talent.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

I had never seen the original movie and, therefore, did not know what to expect from this one.

However, Rottentomatoes.com lists the approval rating for this flick at 21%.

That means only 1 out of 5 people liked this movie.

I was one of those 5.


I mean..it was not REALLY REALLY REALLY bad...

...but it also was not a little good, either.

Keanu Reeves plays an alien representing a larger faction of Aliens concerned with the state of our planet.

As such, Keanu comes to Earth to save it.

The key here is that he's saving the EARTH...not necessarily the people on it.

(queue porn music)

Woops..wrong music.

(queue suspense music)

Keanu really stretches his acting skills here by having absolutely NO inflection in his voice in any of his lines...

...and I think that maybe I actually saw him turn his head once.

Did someone say Oscar nomination?!?!

*cricket

Sorry.

Stupid question.


Helping to not get Keanu killed by angry Americans is Jennifer Connelly, reprising her role in another movie as an 'is she hot...or would she be really really hot if she just trimmed those fucking eyebrows?' chick.

Seriously...those eyebrows.

They're, like, caterpillar thick.

I'm still on the fence about her.


Regardless...she tries to change Keanu's mind about destroying civilization in order to save the planet.

Does she do it?

Will Jennifer Connelly's eye-caterpillars live to see another day?


You'll have to watch it to find out.

Unless you don't want to watch it.

Which is probably a good idea.

My score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Please excuse me now.

I have to Google more pictures of Jennifer Connelly.

This mystery ain't gonna solve itself, people.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

"Star Trek" - "Lost" in Space

Today I'm reviewing the NEW movie:

Star Trek


I wanted to LOVE this movie.

I wanted to see this movie badly enough to stick my wife with the kids and the lawn mowing duties on Mother's Day while I went to see it.

I'm a good husband.


If you're familiar with the original TV series, the movie introduces us to all of the characters we already know...but gives them a backdrop on how they came together to form the Enterprise crew.

If you're not familiar with the characters, you won't get a few subtle references...but the plot is written out fairly well so you get an introduction to them all and get to know their characters.

The plot?

Well...let's just say that the overriding plot point is what did the movie in for me and turned it from an:

"OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE"

...to...

"It was very good...not pee your pants fantabulous."


The Pros:

1) The opening scene BEFORE the title sets the stage for the action that will follow

2) The special effects are fantastic. At NO point did I watch this thinking, "oh...blatant cartoon shit."

3) Lieutenant Uhura is a goddamn FOX in this version. Holy shit.

There's an entire 'black hole' reference that can be made, but I'll refrain right now.

Um.

Woops.


The Cons:

1) The plot

Listen.

I watch 'Lost.'

If you watch Lost, and you're starting to get sick of all the "time travel jumping back and forth shit", you're probably going to do the same thing I did when I realized that half the story in this movie involved "time travel jumping back and forth shit":

Me: "Jesus Christ. Time travel back and forth shit?"

If you DON'T watch Lost, then just know there's time travel back and forth shit.

Hey, J.J. Abrams:

WE GET IT.

You have a fucking thing with time travel in your stories.

GET. OVER IT.

Please.


2) The guy playing Dr. McCoy tries too goddamn hard

If you know the original series, probably the best character out of that was Dr. Leonard McCoy (Bones).

Here, in the movie, the guy playing Bones tries SO HARD to get down Bones' mannerisms and speech that you feel like he's at a roast doing impressions of the guy.

It was a little over the top for me.


However, again, if you didn't watch the series, you'll probably find him funny (as he was in the show).

3) Leonard Nimoy. Really?

Seriously...in a BRAND NEW movie remaking the thing from scratch...

...they have to bring in one of the original members for - NOT JUST A CAMEO - but a VERY LONG and involved character?

Oh.

That's because he's from the fucking future.

(see bitch #1)

J.J. Abrams....you're fucking killing me.

HOWEVER...

That said, it was a good movie. The special effects and action alone probably make it worth seeing.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now excuse me...

I have to go rewatch last weeks' episode of "Lost."

Seriously...this shit's starting to confuse the fuck out of me.

Moog out.



***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Watchmen - Long Movie, Long Schlong

Today I'm reviewing:

Watchmen


I was pretty excited to go see The Watchmen, even though I had never read the book or had no idea what it was going to be about.

Good marketing is my achilles heel.

On a related note:

I have no idea why I'm drinking this Dr. Pepper right now.

Tastes like Alec Baldwin's ass after a marathon.

BUT I LOVE THE COMMERCIALS!!

See? This shit just sucks me in.


Regardless, I almost DIDN'T go because when I checked it out on rottentomatoes.com, I noticed two things:

1) It wasn't getting rave reviews

2) It was 2 hours and 43 minutes long

Two Hours. Forty Three minutes.

What. The fuck.

If you're a reader of my reviews, you know that 2 hours is pretty much my cut-off.

I've given specific passes on this rule for awesome movies like Iron Man, though, on the basis that the movie was JUST SIMPLY FUCKING AWESOME!!! WOO HOO! IRON MAN, BABY!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot is set in some weird mutated past and revolves between the 1940's and the 1980's.

In this ficticious history, Richard Nixon is serving as President through the Vietnam War, and continues to serve in this capacity through his FIFTH term.

For some reason never really explained (I think), he has outlawed masked vigilantes (superheroes), thus forcing into retirement a particular high profile group based in New York known as 'The Watchmen.'



The Watchmen are made up of these characters:

1) Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)

Some rich smart guy who would not look out of place on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.


2) The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Rough guy with major morality issues who looks just like a beefed up older Robert Downey Jr.

3) Night Owl (Patrick Wilson)

The last time I saw Patrick Wilson was when I rented "Hard Candy."

Another fucking weird movie.

However, I'm assuming this character appeals to all the fat out of shape nerds who believe that someday, somehow, they'll be able to fly and beat up people and fuck Malin Akerman.

Because this guy looks like shit for a superhero.


Which brings me to...

4) Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)

* penis goes boinnng!

I like this character for two reasons:

a) She is the only superhero I've ever seen wear a suit that has a garter belt

b) She gets laid, like, 3 times in the movie...and we get boobie each time

That's good enough for me.



5) Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)

One of the best characters. Ever.

Bad-ass good guy.

My problem was that I thought this guy was Danny Bonaduce.

So I spent most of the time watching him with his mask off trying to figure out if it was Danny Bonaduce or his brother or cousing or some shit.

So I probably missed some plot points.


Danny Bonaduce fucks my day up yet again.

Long story.

But you couldn't miss:

6) Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

Dr. Manhattan is a guy who had some type of nuclear accident and can now do all kinds of shit like change things and move shit and teleport himself and fuck Malin Akerman twice at the same time by making three of himself to do it.

I'm a little jealous.


Oh yeah:

He's blue.

One more tip:

He's fucking naked for 99% of the movie.

For all you women out there who wanted to see Billy Crudup's penis for hours on end, this is the movie for you.

Me?

Not so much.

I now know, with distinct clarity, what Papa Smurf's dick must look like.

Here's what confused me:

In parts of the movie, he puts clothes on. So, it's not like he CAN'T wear clothes.

So I'm not sure why he feels the need to go without underwear when he's, say, working on his nuclear shit.

I know when I'm building my fission reactor, I always put on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

It's just how I roll.


It's when one of these Watchmen is murdered (known as 'The Comedian'), that the story begins...and the quest to resolve the mystery of WHO killed him and why drives the movie.

In the end, I was, like:

It was pretty good.

There's not enough fighting or action to keep things going quickly, but the narrative is decent and the character development and history of the characters is excellent.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


If you like superhero/science fiction...then you'll probably like this.

If you don't, you won't. It will be long and confusing.

At almost three hours long, it feels long.

Not as long as Billy Crudup's neon-blue prick...but long nonetheless.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

The X-Files: I Want to Believe - Yeah, I Wanted to Believe Scully Looked Better

Today I'm reviewing a film from my Netflix list:

The X-Files: I Want to Believe


Yeah, I wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe a few things:

1) I wanted to believe I'd remember where the other movie left off.

I didn't.

I was lost.

Things like:

a) Wait...are they boyfriend/girlfriend?

b) Huh? What baby? Did they have a baby?

c) Where are my pants?!?

That last one tends to happen when I watch shit with Gillian Anderson in it.

Me: "Scully..come look at THIS."

* zzziiiiip


2) I wanted to believe that Gillian Anderson would be as hot as I remembered her.

She wasn't.

(pants go back on)


3) I wanted to believe that I'd really like it.

Eh.

The plot revolves around a missing FBI agent and other women...

...a pedophile psychic (shout out to my dad here)...

...and the re-involvement of Scully and Mulder in the search for the missing.

No UFO's.

No monsters.

No big conspiracy.

Eh.

My wife (who used to watch the X-Files with me when it was on TV) summed it up this way:

Wife: "It was like a two-hour long episode of CSI."

Yeah...I'd say that's about right.


My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


I kinda wish it WAS a two hour episode of CSI.

Then they could have cast Marg Helgenberger in Scully's place.

Oh. Yeah.

* zzziiiip


I'M BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY!

Moog out.

*********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (hey!!...is that a PLOT?!!)

Even in cartoon form, Natalie Portman is hot.

Just sayin'.

This weekend, I took the kids to see:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars



Star Wars Clone Wars.

Is it me, or is having the word "Wars" twice in one title bad grammar?

Maybe it's maybe me, maybe.

Whatever.

I actually enjoyed this movie.

It's short at an hour and a half....

...which is perfect for my attention spa...

OOH! CATERPILLAR!!

Sorry.


There is actually a plot you can FOLLOW.

This is completely unlike Star Wars episodes 1, 2 and 3...

...which required the aid of a deciphering ring from George Lucas himself to figure out what the f*ck was going on.

Since it's animated, they can get away with a lot more over-the-top action sequences and stuff...which was perfect in keeping my son entertained.

My daughter fell asleep about halfway through.

Girls. They're so icky.

Pros:
Decent plot you can follow. Good animated action sequences. Natalie Portman's character still somehow manages to turn me on even though it's a f*cking cartoon.

Cons:
I don't remember Anakin Skywalker being funny or lighthearted in any of the Star Wars movies. Here, he's basically Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Kinda weird if you follow Star Wars.

Overall, my score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...

Excuse me while I go work on my light saber in the men's room.


Oh yeah, Queen Amidala....you know you want it.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

"The Crappening" (and an Introduction to Derek)

My first Guest Contributor to "Moog's Movie Reviews" is my brother-in-law, Derek.

Derek is officially a movie connoisseur (which, I believe, is Portuguese for "lady in striped shorts"), and we go back and forth A LOT on the movies we've watched.

Derek was one of the guys who keeps trying to convince me that the ending to "No Country for Old Men" is good.

It's not.

He then sent me a 5 PARAGRAPH diatribe from one of HIS friends explaining the ending of "No Country."

Listen...I just paid $10 to see this f*cking movie.

I shouldn't have to read an epilogue to get the gyst of it.

But - he IS my wife's brother and the father of my nephew, Calvin (Hey,Cal..."Fun Uncle Rodney" says "HI!")...

...so I'll cut him some slack.


That said, here's Derek's review of "The Happening," sent to me via email.

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Email Subject: If we don't leave right now, we will all die.

That was some of the scintillating dialogue from the movie I saw this past weekend.

For Father's Day, Tracy gave me several hours of alone time to relax and not have to watch a child or do housework. SO I went to the movies.

I went to see "The Happening."

Other possible names for this movie could have been the obvious:

"What's Happening?"

"Nothing is Happening."

...or the more accurately:

"Why is this Happening to Me?"

(as in: why did I pay $8 to see this piece of garbage?!)

The last one is a longer title but the most fitting.


M. Night Shymalmlamalml is officially a bust.

He is Craig James.

Mark Wahlberg was terrible (although considering the material I can hardly fault him.)

I read a few reviews and a word that kept coming up was "meandering".

That is very fitting.

Derek's Score:
1/2 (half) a Mooge Splat out of a possible 4 (lowest recorded score ever)


Thanks, Derek!!

Sounds like a winner.

Derek will be a regular contributor here, I'm hoping.

Want to be one, too? Then send me an email via the link on the right, or click here.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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My Jiggly Cucumber - a Movie Review

There was no vegetable penetration.

I was slightly disappointed.

But I digress….

Today, we get another Moog Movie Review. Actually, two (count ‘em, TWO) movie reviews in ONE post!

(I’m sure you wet yourself from the sheer excitement….I’ll go get you a tissue)

Today, I’ll be reviewing “The Veggie Tales Movie” and “Cloverfield”.

If you’re looking for Roger Ebert, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I’m guessing he’s at a buffet somewhere.


Here goes:

Title: The Veggie Tales Movie

Rated:
No idea on the rating.

I was paying more attention to the fact that it cost me $32 DOLLARS to see a f*cking movie with my two kids.

Who should go:
People with kids, or sick people who have cucumber fetishes.

Also, people who have a sh*tload of money and can afford to go to the f*cking theater, apparently.

Plot:
The plot involves something about pirates and time travel.

This was news to me...

...as the last movie I saw that had a zucchini in it was NOT a kid’s movie. Also, there was a banana in that movie, too...but I don't think that qualifies as a vegetable.

I was wondering why my wife wanted them to see this…

...I thought she was just really twisted.

Anyway…about the plot (since this was not a porn flick involving food as I had originally assumed):

I’m not really all that clear on the plot, as I’d never seen a Veggie Tales thing before.

I was concentrating more on the fact that the little round character-thing who talked in a Spanish accent was simply f*cking hilarious.

(I still don't know what that little round thing was. Was it a gourd? A squash? A testicle? Seriously - What the f*ck IS THAT THING?!)

Anyway...

Usually, I can’t understand accents AT ALL.

However, I zoned in using my “illegal immigrant protest” mode, and was able to eventually decipher what the talking scrotum was saying.


My kids enjoyed it…which, I suppose, is the main point.

They are NOT happy with the fact, though, that I raided their allowances so I could have beer money this week...

...after spending all my cash on a film that had a piece of talking asparagus in it.

Score: 3 out of 5 Mooge splats


Title: Cloverfield


Rated:
Again, I have no idea on the rating.

I’m damn near 40 and don’t have to pay attention to this sh*t.

Look in the f*cking paper for the rating you lazy prick – they put that sh*t in there.

Who Should Go:
Any man who wants their wife to be pissed at them for taking them to a movie that they’ll consider a waste of two hours of their life.

My wife still hasn't forgiven me.

Buddy, if you’re into “angry sex” and can get your wife to somehow forgive you for dragging her to this thing just long enough to get some, then this one’s for you.

Also, this movie is perfect for deaf, blind mutes.


Plot:
N/A

Yeah...good luck on the f*cking plot thing.

Actually, there is a small plot.

Here it is:

Indestructible camera with an infinite-charge battery survives a harrowing tale of a group of stupid f*cksh*ts running away from something while other stuff happens around them as the CAMERA KEEPS F*CKING JIGGLING OH MY GOD I’M GETTING A F*CKING HEADACHE…PUT THE CAMERA DOWN!!!


The best part of this movie is the end….

…when the lights come on and you get to hear your wife yell at you for convincing her to go see this drivel…

…meanwhile the rest of the theater YELLS out stuff like:

“WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?”

...and...

“OH…MY…GOD….That was f*cking stupid.”


My second best part was leaving the theater where the guy who was sitting next to me in the movie (see “WTF” comment above) was passing the line of people waiting to get into the next showing.

SPOILER ALERT:

As he passed by them, he took the time to say:

“Don’t waste your time! Everybody dies!”

You could see the horror on everyone’s face in line.

Awesome.

Score (two separate scores):

Angry Sex-guy score: 4 out of 5 Mooge splats


Someone going to see a movie that had good ratings from other places for some strange f*cking reason: 1 out of 5 Mooge splats.



That's right.

If you're keeping score at home:

Monster: 0
Zucchini: 1

Give that Monster a Spanish accent, and these scores may well have been reversed.