"He's Just Not That Into You" - (Thank Christ)

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

He's Just Not That Into You


Let me get this out front and say that the ONLY fucking reason that it was on my Netflix list is because my wife wanted it there.

Sometimes I let her win.

Regardless, let's get to it.

See that movie poster up there for the movie?

It could easily be replaced with this one:


What a giant piece of dogshit.

Listen, you know a chick flick is shit when the woman who wanted to watch it in the first place says this at the closing credits:

Wife: "Well. That was a giant waste of two hours."

Two hours?

Try two hours, nine minutes.

Killing myself would take less time, and I'd probably laugh more doing it.

The two bright spots:

1) Scarlett Johansson is in it AND getting her boobs groped while wearing a bra!

2) See #1.

There were more fucking people in one of the most convoluted 'he said'/'she said' plots than Jon and Kate discussing who they were going to have an affair with next.


Mmmm.

Kate.

Sure, it would be like screwing an open window after her 8 kids...but whatever.

Regardless, this crapfest makes it on my 'Moog's Awful Movie List.'

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


The single splat is simply to acknowledge Scarlett's sweet, sweet boobies.

So, I guess there WERE two reasons to like the movie.

Her left one, and her right one.

Moog out.

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Mirrors - Shit's Reflection is Still Shit

Today, from my Netflix list...

...I'm reviewing the Kiefer Sutherland horror/thriller:

Mirrors


Here's my review:

It fucking sucked. Don't see it.

My Score:

1/2 Mooge Splat



Fine.

Small synopsis:

Stupid fucking movie about stupid fucking demons living in fucking mirrors haunting Kiefer Sutherland playing a fucking security guard...

(if Jack Bauer was dead (IMPOSSIBLE!!!) he would be rolling around in his fucking grave right now after this shit)

...and some incoherent thing about reflections and some crazy bitch and OH MY GOD I CAN'T KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT.

This movie has more holes in it than Lindsay Lohan's custom-made lesbian blow-up doll.

Two saving graces of this movie that keep it from getting 0 splats:

1) Kiefer's wife (Amy Carson) who is hot and has enormous boobies which are showcased wonderfully in a stupid fucking scene where she's soaking wet.

Yay!


2) The ending. Not just because it marks the end of the movie (YAY again), but because it's got a decent twist to it.

Otherwise:

Stupid fucking movie.

Moog out.


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Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Twilight - and the Chick who Hated It.

Got another guest review today.

This is good, because it saves me money on movie tickets.

That means more I can spend on pay-per-view porn.

Awesome.

Today, it's Arielle from over at her blog, "Bitten."

She's reviewing the movie:

Twilight


Here you go:

******************

Out of the four movies I went to see over Thanksgiving break, Transporter 3, Bolt, Quantum of Solace, and Twilight, the latter movie was the worst.

(editor's note: Transporter 3?! Really?!)

Go see the first three before you think about setting foot in the theater for Twilight.

I think the only other movie that did worse in ratings over the break was Four Christmases, and it's number one in the box office right now. How does that work?

I will admit that I have read all four of the Twilight books, so I am no virgin to the series.

(editor's note: heh heh...you said 'virgin'. Sorry.)

I liked the books and I like vampires, but I am not a Twilight fanatic.

I went into the movie optimistic, hoping they wouldn't screw up the story like they did with Eragon. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.)

I dragged along my fiancée because we had a deal. I went and saw Transporter with him, so he would go see Twilight with me.

(editor's note: thank you for explaining...now, dump your fiancee...seriously...f*cking Transporter 3?!?)


Several people told me that Twilight was a decent movie, and his sister and mother went and saw it with us. It was their second time going, so there had to be something decent to see again, right?

I won't bother with a synopsis of the movie, because it's basically your typical teenage romance with vampires thrown in and a little bit of action at the end.

The book was followed well, but the characters were expressionless and empty.

I can understand the vampires in the movie showing less feeling, but the girl was human and she made the same face throughout the movie whether she was crying or confessing her undying love to the vampire she just met.

The movie itself felt slow, clunky, and awkward, yet the story moved too fast. I guess a lot of book to movie adaptations happen this way, but it felt like only a few days passed in the whole movie, yet they were completely in love forever and ever.

Watching this movie made me realize how cliché and awkward the book was.

When it's in text, it seems fine, but when you actually see it being acted out, you take a step back and realize that it's completely unrealistic, from the way the characters spoke to the way they acted, it just didn't seem natural.

I've spoken to many people who have seen this movie, and this is the general idea I get from them:

Demographically, teenage and young girls will love this movie. The girls will sit in the movie and say, "OhmiGodEdward'ssoooohot!"

People who actually pay attention to the movie instead of dreaming of themselves in Bella's place will notice how bad it is. People who have not read the books (like my fiancée) will be confused for the better part of the movie. He asked me halfway through if the main character was gay.

(editor's note: seriously...he likes "The Transporter" movies...you think this lack of wit is due to him not reading the f*cking books?)

Twilight fanatics will vehemently swear that the movie is good because they don't want to admit that they're obsessed about a pile of crap.

My fiancée's mom admitted only after the movie was over and after we complained about it that she didn't like it, and she didn't have a good reason for coming back to see it again.

All in all, watching this movie was like watching a teenage girl's fantasy gone wrong, and it was uncomfortable to sit there and see it play out. I should have just stuck to the books. Now my fiancée won't read it because he saw the movie.

(editor's note: too easy)

Oh yeah, and there are going to be three more movies in this series.

Hopefully, the acting gets better. I haven't decided yet if I'll go see the other three.

My score:

I give it 1 star/Mooge splat/toaster out of four.


...and that's only because I'm a girl, and maybe I did fantasize a little bit about being in Bella's place.

Just a little bit.

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Thanks, Arielle!! Awesome review!

We need to talk about your fiancee, though.

Seriously. He has issues.

Now, readers...go give Arielle some lovin'.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

The Ruins - Yeah...That's a Good Description

Today, I'm reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

The Ruins


This movie is aptly named because it RUINS your Saturday night.

Since I don't actually feel like wasting much time on this piece of shit, let me sum it up here:

1) It's not scary
2) It's f*cking gross

Seriously, when you find out what the 'monster' actually is, you're going to say to yourself:

"Man..my toenails are getting long."

Yeah..that was pretty much my reaction right after I exclaimed:

"You're f*cking kidding me."

So, no - not scary.

However, if you want to be completely grossed out in scene after scene, then by all means rent this movie.

I haven't winced this much since the doctor looked at me on the table as he was getting ready to start my vasectomy, showed me the three inch long f*cking needle, and said:

"You'll feel a pinch."

I'd rather go through THAT again than sit through this shitfest.

The only redeeming value was a 15 second shot of one of the chicks' boobs.

Hey...I'm shallow and will take what I can get.

My score:

1/2 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse me while I schedule my vasectomy reversal.

It's gotta take some of this pain away.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

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Igor - I Have a Hunch You Won't Like It

"My name is Igor. Wait..wait...I have a hunch on my back. What's my name going to be?...Kevin?"

*cricket*

Scintillating dialog.

This past weekend I took the kids to see “Igor.”


Why I simply don’t start waiting for the DVD, I have no idea.

Igor is a story about an “Igor” – go figure – namely a mad scientists’ helper.

In the land that this takes place in (“Malaria” – AH, the hilarity!), if you’re born with a hunch on your back, you’re named “Igor” automatically.

Also, you are required to attend “Igor school"...

(where you learn to talk with a slur and – for some reason – an English accent)

...and you MUST work for a mad scientist.

Just for clarification, this differs from all the movies I usually see where “hump on my back” has an ENTIRELY different meaning…

…and the wife yells at me for taking the kids.

I mean, in her defense, the theater they show those in IS in a shady part of town.

But I've digressed.


Regardless, these are the rules in the city of “Malaria.”

Personally, I think that they need to start checking out their drinking water if that many kids are born with giant glops of shit on their backs…but, whatever.

The only way I can see this many kids being born with humps is if the Chinese are now in charge of water purification in the city.

This Igor (voiced by John Cusack) wants to be more than just a switch-puller...

(again…different meaning in the movies I usually watch)

...and aspires to be his own evil scientist.

When his master dies in a hideous explosion – blasting his arm clean off – he gets his chance to create his own experiment using discarded body parts.

Um...

Did I mention that this is rated “PG” and NOT “G?”

I actually had NO idea until I started writing this review.

I knew something was off during the “Brainwash” sequence where they choose to brainwash Igor’s creation using the “Axe Murderer” method.

Really.


For a 90-minute movie, I think my first laugh came on or around minute 85.

This, despite the fact that Steve Buscemi actually voices one of the main characters, was a HUGE disappointment for me.

On a side note, I believe that this is the second movie that involves Steve Buscemi and dismembered feet (see: "Fargo"...please, SEE "FARGO")

Really.

At one point, Buscemi’s character (some weird zombie rabbit) chews off his own feet.

*cricket*


22 bucks folks.

22 bucks right down the shitter.

Wait for the DVD.

Then don’t rent it.

My Score:

½ Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).


How did my kids like it?

My kids liked it…but, then again, my kids are dying to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

Kill me.

Nevermind…don’t kill me.

I might end up in “Igor 2.”


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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Bangkok Dangerous (..heh..you said 'Bangkok')

Hey kids!!

Well - another one of our readers has sent me his very own guest review.

(If you have a movie you want to review, just send it to me. I have the instructions at the end of the review)

This one comes from Chris Wood over at "Chris Wood's Blog" (wow...very original title there, Chris).

Chris is reviewing:

Bangkok Dangerous

I don't know about you, but everytime I Bangkok, I consider it dangerous as well.

Stupid bruising.

Here's the review! Enjoy!


**********************

Hello Moog

I saw the shit festival reviewed below this week, so I thought that I should get something for my time. Hope this can be used on your site.

Best

Chris

(editor's note: I actually thought he went to a real 'Shit Festival' until I realized that this was a movie review)

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Bangkok Dangerous

I’d like to start this review by saying that I used to really like Nicholas Cage.

Very few people could carry off the Elvis obsessed cool guy psycho he played in Wild At Heart, David Lynch’s colourfully eccentric mindfuck.

The Rock and Con Air had plenty to entertain in them, and Face / Off was cram full of feelgood violence.

Fair nuff, I thought.

This man knows a thing or two about entertainment, even if he does have a gurn threshold that would make Jim Carrey wince.

Recently, though, he’s been in plenty of lame turds.

Next was so bad that only Jessica Biel’s boner-inducing performance as Jessica Biel could redeem it to the point where the audience wasn’t envying the blind.


Ghost Rider was so far up its own arse I had no idea a motorbike could fit that far. I punched myself out during The Weather Man, so luckily I didn’t have to see it.

Worst, he took a shit on one of the best horror movies ever, The Wicker Man, in a remake that, on its own, is a good argument for abortion.

So this remake of a 1999 movie, Bangkok Dangerous, didn’t invite a great deal of expectation. But I was bored and I like the simple pleasure of watching people get shot, so I thought I’d try it.

These days, Mr Cage is often ponderous. And. Morose.

He thinks a lot about how shitty his hair looks, and it depresses him.

This shows.

He drawls too, because only crap actors speak clearly.

What’s worse, he doesn’t have any fun! Cage of old would stick cockroaches up his arse and fuck a hamster to death if the film got boring. He’d have his manic peepers set to full gibber while he assaulted the senses with his taste in clothes, often whacking an old lady on the head with his balls just to make sure we were entertained.

In this yawnsome wet fart of a movie he meanders around Bangkok being an asshole, occasionally murdering people in between ponderous bouts of narration that explain how hitmen never form attachments, allow accomplices to live, leave their driving licences at the scene of the crime etc.

He then breaks all these rules for no apparent reason.

He gets a trainee who thinks he’s a dick (this guy is the only sympathetic character), also he falls for a deaf assistant at a chemist, because he’s really logical and their lack of communication suits his current acting style.

We then get an attempt to rip off The Killer with its oddball romance, honour and so forth. A few people get killed. He is an asshole some more and his assistant gets tortured in a really crap way by some guy who basically stands there sneering at his dress sense.

There is some rather dull killing and more action movie cliches get ripped off and lamed down. The deaf woman gurns emotionally. The assistant / trainee has a slow mo “noooo” bit and the Cagester shits on his reputation some more.

Avoid this turd. If you’re bored, this won't help.

Chris Wood's Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).



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Thanks, Chris!!!

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Fly Me to the Moon (and out of the f*cking theater ASAP)

Short review today.

Over the weekend, my kids made me take them to see:

"Fly Me to the Moon - 3D"


Here, I believe the "3D" stands for:

1) Deplorable
2) Despicable
3) Dammit! I just spent money on this piece of shit that should have gone straight to video.

One of the worst movies in the history of movies.

Just so you know, it's about three flies (yes, flies) who stowaway on Apollo 11 to fulfill their dreams of getting to the moon.

Because we all know that flies have this dream.

There is also a subplot - yes, subplot - where Russian flies try to sabotage the NASA Command Center.

This subplot culminates in a United States fly vs. Russian fly fight that includes - but is not limited to:

1) Kung Fu moves
2) A knife fight
3) The intervention by "Nadia" - a Russian fly with the largest set of boobs I have ever seen on any actess...animated vermin or otherwise.


I wish I was joking here.

Because nothing says "family fun" better than a knife flight and giant breasts.

Alas, I am not joking.

Then, at the end, there's a "STOP THE CREDITS!" scream.

OH...MY...

It's BUZZ ALDRIN!!

So, here I am expecting something funny...some type of outtake...

...but Buzz says this (I'm paraphrasing):

"Just so you know, there were no flies on the Apollo 11 flight. That wouldn't have been sanitary."

Lights come on.

Gee...thanks for the hilarity, Buzz.

What the f*ck was that about?!?

I'm not even wasting my Mooge on this and giving it a score.

That's right - NO SCORE FOR YOU!!

In fact, I'm adding you to my "Moog's Awful Movie List."

The bright spot here, is that flies only have a lifespan of a little over two weeks.

With the Apollo 11 mission taking 8 days, we can be pretty sure that all the characters in this film are now dead and won't be making a sequel.

I'm gonna miss Nadia, though.

Big fly boobies.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

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Moog's List of Suck - #1

If I were to give ZERO splats to any movies…what would they be?

Actually…let’s rephrase this.

If I was to give 0 splats to any movies that were SUPPOSED to be good…what would they be?

Well…here they are:

1) Brokeback Mountain

I suffered through this thinking it had to get better at some point.

I mean...rave reviews, right? Oscar contender, right?

RIGHT?!?

Then, there was continual scenes of hideous gay man-sex and I damn near sued Netflix for allowing me to rent it.

Hey...I'm all for gay rights and shit...

...just not on my fucking Sony.

To this day, the image of Jake Gyllenhaal getting cornholed by Heath Ledger is still burned into my memory.

Sometimes, I wake up screaming.


2) Bend it Like Beckham

I lasted about 10 minutes into this (which is about 3 times longer than sex…but whatever).

The only reason I lasted that long was because I was trying to see if that chick from ER would drop her top or something.

She didn’t. It wasn’t funny. I bailed.


3) Mulholland Drive

Three words:

What. The. Fuck.

Really. What the fuck WAS that?!?

Two hours of my life gone…gone…and – you know what? – I have NO IDEA where they went.


4) Do the Right Thing

This movie has the honor of being the only movie – THE ONLY MOVIE – in the history of “me” that I’ve ever fallen asleep in at the theater.

I mean, the cover of the movie looks all "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" like...but no...

Movie sucked.


Yes folks…

...it was SO exciting that I basically paid $7 to sleep in a chair that made my ass hurt.

Just like Jake Gyllenhaal’s.

Poor bastard.

Vagina Dentata

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I watch shit, just for you.

Just like the towel guy in the men's room.

LOOK AT MY SHIT, PEASANT!!

Sorry.

Today, I'm reviewing another masterpiece off my Netflix list:

Teeth


This will be one of my shortest reviews, ever.

If you enjoy shitty horror movies about girls with fangs in their vagina...

...sexual assaults...

...multiple castration scenes showing severed, bloody penises...

...and the kid from "Nip/Tuck" (Hey! Look! It's Matt!)...

...well, then:

This one's for you.


Me?

Not so much.

What made this worse is that I heard it was good.

I'm not sure WHO I heard this from...but if I ever figure it out, I may actually kill them.

With my toothed-vagina.

Ugh.

Iggy.

My Score:

1/2 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


Now...please excuse me while I hide in the bathtub while protectively cupping my balls.

Moog out.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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Rambo No Good - Me No Like

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please.

You're embarrassing yourselves.

Today's review is off my Netflix List:

Rambo

Alternate title suggestion:

"Crappity crap crap crap"

Rambo.

One more title suggestion:

"What the HELL Happened to Stallone’s FACE?!?"

It's like he's stuffed with marshmallows.


I was disappointed in this.

Mainly because “First Blood” is one of the BEST MOVIES EVER…

…and, Hell…who doesn’t like to see people shot up and shit?

A little history here.

When I went to see the awful-ending-but-great-bad-guy-movie “No Country for Old Men,” I almost instead went to see “Rambo” which was also playing at the time.

But I didn’t.

Faced with one of the worst endings of any movie in history (cough..”No Country”…cough..), I’d always since second-guessed myself that maybe…

...just maybe…

...I should have seen Rambo instead.

I’m glad I didn’t.


Here’s an example of some of the breathtaking dialog from the movie:

Sarah: The man you were talking to...
John J. Rambo: I wasn't talking to anybody.
Sarah: Alright. The man who was talking to you asked if we could hire you to take us up river. You said no. Why?
John J. Rambo: Can't help you out.
Sarah: Well, if you have good reasons, would you mind if I heard them?
John J. Rambo: Go home.

Oooooooh.

LOOK OUT, Shakespeare!!


Stallone wrote this and – apparently – decided he didn’t want to speak any dialogue that contained more than two syllables at a time:

John Rambo: Why'd you come back?
Sarah: Waiting for you.
John Rambo: I told you before, I can't help you.
Sarah: Well we need to go and help these people, we're here to make a difference, we believe all lives are special.
John Rambo: Some lives, some not.
Sarah: Really? If everyone thought like you, nothing would ever change.
John Rambo: Nothing does change.

Kill me.

Let’s tally the score from this last exchange:

Sally: 3 lines spoken, 34 words, 45 syllables.
Rambo: 4 lines spoken, 19 words, 21 syllables.

Ugh.


BUT, if you rented Rambo looking for poetic reflections on society and the human spirit…well…then…

…you’ve pretty much missed the point of Rambo.

When Rambo FINALLY gets to be Rambo, things started picking up a little bit.

I was REALLY disappointed that he was more “running around and shooting stuff” in this versus being all stealthy and crafty and sneaky and shit like he was in the kickass first one.

But, hey…Rambo is Rambo so you take what you can get.


There’s a TON more gore in this than any of the others, and it felt like “300” meets “Commando” at some points.

It’s saving grace is that it’s only an hour and a half long.

At one syllable a minute, that’s pretty much all I could take.

Normally...I do character scores here...

...but since there was no character development and I can't for the life of me remember anyone in the film except Stallone, I'm skipping it.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Moog out.

Violently out.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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