"Up" - Get Up and Go

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

UP


Finally.

After seeing the horrible fuckshow known as "Night at the Museum 2"...

...I get a movie that is WORTH seeing.

Well worth it.

Suffice it to say, "Up" has earned a place in my top 20 movie list of all time.

Easily.

Yes.

A Pixar animated film has justly joined the ranks of such greats as:

1) Jaws

2) Braveheart

3) The Fugitive

4) Dr. Gonzo's Six-Hour Anything Goes SexFest Extravaganza

Six hours...plus lesbian action...three ways...AND anal?

You don't get much better that THAT, my friends.


Where was I?

Oh.

Up.

To be honest, the movie may be a bit slow and/or confusing for those kids 5 and under...

...as the first 20 minutes of the movie outlines the main character, Mr. Fredrickson, from childhood to old age.

In this period, he meets his wife as a young boy...and the beginning of the film outlines their life together and, eventually, her death.

During this period of the movie, there is VERY little dialog...so very young ones may find themselves fidgeting a bit and needing to have the synopsis here explained.

That being said:

GO SEE IT ANYWAY.

Mr. Frederickson takes it upon himself to see to it that his wife's desire for a life of adventure not go to waste.

This is similar to my desire for adventure.

Unfortunately, 'adventure' for me means 'getting the mail.'

I'm sad sometimes.


Mr. Frederickson thusly rigs his home (on the verge of destruction by a local builder) with enough helium-filled balloons to transport him to the land of "Paradise Falls," a mythical place in South America where he and his wife always dreamed of going.

Things go awry, though, when a local Cub Scout named "Russell" becomes an unwanted stow away.

Long story short, the house eventually lands on "Paradise Falls" which is populated by a rare animal, a man who is trying to hunt it and his pack of obedient dogs outfitted with collars that allow them to talk.

Mr. Frederickson and Russell take it upon themselves to help save the animal from the hunter and - in the end - find their own adventure and a true and lasting friendship.

This movie has something for everyone, and is definitely worth the price of admission.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

I still have 5 hours and 45 minutes of my Dr. Gonzo video to watch.

At 5 minutes per viewing, this is gonna take me forever.

Moog out.


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"Monsters vs. Aliens" - Gooey Goodness in 3D

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Monsters vs. Aliens


Because I'm still doing this shit one-handed, I'll make it quick.

My wife hears this every third Saturday night.

She cries sometimes.

Regardless, we took the kids to see "Monsters vs. Aliens" at an IMAX Theater.

IMAX + 3D = HOLYFUCKSHIT

(sorry for the math)


Synopsis:

Monsters vs. Aliens revolves around a central character, Susan (Reese Witherspoon successfully animated to have her weird chin removed) who is hit by a meteor on the day she's supposed to marry he fiance, Derek (Paul Rudd! Hooray!)

The meteor infuses her with an alien element that causes her to become ginormous. Of course, the military steps in - captures her - and puts her in a super-secret facility with several other "monsters" they've captured.


When an alien actually detects the presence of this element on Earth (inside Susan) , he begins his quest of retrieving the element and destroying the planet in the process.

When the military fails to destroy the alien invasion, it calls upon the monsters to do the job.

My Review:

It was good, not great.

The 3D effects and animation, combined with the monster, B.O.B, (voiced awesomely by Seth Rogen) save this movie from being somewhat shitty.


I think the majority of laughter I heard was coming from adults in the theater, but my wife said my she had never heard my 5-year-old son laugh so hard in a movie before.

The movie starts off slow and may be a little confusing for kids at first - but it picks up when Susan is thrown in with the monsters and ramps up from there.

If your kids like movies and animation, take them to see it - the 3D alone is very impressive.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


3D is the way to go.

I'm just gald they didn't digitize Reese Witherspoon's chin.

I can't imagine that thing coming right at me.

Moog out.


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Coraline - Wait...Are Those...PASTIES?!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Coraline


What.

The Fuck.

Did I just watch?

No..scratch that...

What did I just bring my kids to?!?!?

Let's preface this first:

I didn't want to see Coraline.

My kids did.

Since I will sit in a movie theater to pretty much watch anything as long as I'm paying the early matinee fee ($700 per ticket + $2 for the 3D Glasses), I'll go.

So we went.

On a related note:

I'm stupid.


The Plot:
Coraline is a kid (Dakota Fanning) who moves into some delapitated old house with her lame parents (Teri Hatcher and John Hodgman) who apparently don't give a shit about her.

I haven't seen parent neglect this bad since I put my kids in the closet last weekend so the wife and I could go out.

OMG! The kids!!

Eh. They probably still have some water and jerky left.

I'll get to them as soon as I'm done this.

A neighborhood boy befriends Coraline and gives her a doll that he found that looks just like her...

...except the eyes are simply black buttons.

NO! Not creepy at all!


This begins an adventure where Coraline discovers a hidden door in her slum shithouse that leads to an alternate world - everything that she knows is there...

BUT IT'S BETTER.

The food is better.

The parents are better.

The house is better.

The crack whores don't have AIDS.

Oh. Wait.

That last one is MY alternate world.

My bad.

The only problem here is that the requirement to STAY in this world is:

Coraline has to remove her eyes and replace them with buttons.

THIS ISN'T SCARY FOR KIDS AT ALL!

Here's how to decide if you should take your kids to see this:

1) Your kids aren't easily scared

2) You don't mind your little kids seeing an old woman with Triple-F sized tits walking around in pasties.

No shit.

Here's one of the characters from a scene in the movie:


What. The. Fuck.

You could hear a collective gasp from the parents in the theater as we all went:

"Heh...heh...um...oh. Oh. Oh that's really fucking inappropriate."

If I want to see giant tits and pasties on an old broad, I'll go visit my mother.

3) Your kids don't like to laugh

This is not a "Finding Nemo." There's not a single laugh in the whole story.

The good part:

The 3D.

The 3D is awesomely done.

You know...if your kid can see through his petrified tears.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Did I mention the kid ghosts?

The ghosts who had their eyes removed and are now dead...

...and Coraline has to GO SEARCH FOR THEIR MISSING EYES in order to set them free to go to Heaven?

* cricket

Or the giant evil spider-lady with black eyes and needles for fingers and legs?

Yeah.

This isn't scary at all.

Moog out.


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The Tale of Despereaux (or...Ratatouille, Part 2)

Well, it wouldn't be my site if I didn't have a kid's movie to bitch about.

My kids make me see bad movies.

It's what they do.

Today's review:

The Tale of Despereaux


Eh.

I liked this movie better the first time I saw it and it was called Ratatouille.

Seriously.

How many movies can you have about rodents where the plot primarily revolves around soup?

SOUP?!?

Seriously - I'm French, and I don't sit around eating fucking soup all day.

I mean, I like soup..don't get me wrong.

But my world wouldn't end if I couldn't find a packet of Lipton Cup-a-Soup in the fucking house.


The primary difference in this movie is that rats are bad.

Ratatouille = rats are good.

Despereaux = rats are evil.

Way to confuse the kids there.

The main character, Despereaux, is voiced by Matthew Broderick.

I can see this...

...as surely Matthew Broderick is desperATE to stop banging Sarah Jessica Parker.

God - even the mere mention of her name shrinks my dick.


Despereaux is different from other mice in that he is adventurous, considerate and has courage.

How he teaches these traits to others through his actions is primarily the moral of the story.

Oh yeah - and rats are like little tiny Rachael Rays with longer tails.

Evil, I say. Evil.

This movie SHOULD have been better with the cast of characters:

Dustin Hoffman

Emma Watson

Kevin Kline

William H. Macy

Christopher Lloyd

Sigourney Weaver

Listen - if they ever make an actual movie with all these people in it, it's gonna be good.

This one?

Not so much.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

My kids liked it, so I gave it an extra 1/2 splat.

Excuse me, now.

I'm dying for some soup.

I am French, you know.

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Bolt - (Richard Gere would LOVE this hamster)

Today on Moog's Movie Reviews, I'm reviewing the latest kid-flick:

Bolt


The wife and I took the kids to see this the day after Thanksgiving.

Along with 7,000,000 other parents.

Including the broad who fell asleep in the row behind me while her four year old daughter KEPT KICKING MY F*CKING CHAIR SERIOUSLY KID I WILL RIP YOUR F*CKING LEGS OFF IF YOU DON'T STOP I SWEAR IT.

Ahem.

It was a joyous event.

Bolt (voiced by John Travolta) is about a scientologist who is banging Kelly Preston.

Oops. Sorry. That's Travolta.

Prick.


Bolt is about a dog with super powers including, but not limited to:

1) Laser Vision
2) A Super Bark
3) Super Strength
4) Supersonic leg-humping ability

The problem is, that he BELIEVES he has these powers, but really doesn't.

This is because Bolt is actually the star of a TV show about a "super dog" - and the producers and cast want to make sure he believes this so his grit and determination appear real on the set.

I believe they did this same trick with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman.

OMG. I would let Lynda Carter lasso me any time.

But I've digressed.


When his "person" is kidnapped ("Penny" voiced by Miley Cyrus...um..is she legal yet?)in a story plot, Bolt believes this is real and breaks out of the set in an attempt to rescue her.

Thus, the movie revolves around Bolt's quest and coming to terms with the fact that he is not, in fact, super.

On the way he befriends two other characters, a cat and a hamster.

The hamster pretty much steals every scene he's in, and is pretty much worth the price of admission alone.


I laughed a lot during this movie, causing my wife - at one point - to look at me from three seats away and mouth:

"SHUT. UP."

Apparently, I was that one loud jackass who's killing himself while everyone else is mildly chuckling.

Awesome.

Regardless, I highly recommend Bolt for the entire family.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

...I'm off to rent the Wonder Woman DVD set.

Lynda Carter, I have a wonderful night planned with you, me, the remote, and a big box of tissues.

I'm gonna lasso that asso.

Moog out.

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Madagascar 2 - I F*cking LOVE Penguins

So, I took the kids this weekend to see:

Madagascar 2


Yeah. Me, and 7 million other people for that show.

Listen, when you're 20 minutes early for the show, and it's already packed, you know the whole experience is gonna suck.

Crying babies?

Check.

Stupid bitch with her Blackberry lighting up in front of me every 5 minutes?

Of course.

Little shit kid behind us kicking my daughter's chair?

Why not?

Low volume on the movie?

What?

Hey...theater manager...

Could you also put tacks on my chair while throwing salt in my eyes? Thanks in advance.

Regardless - once the movie started and got going, it was great.

Great.

Honestly, I couldn't stand the first one. I think I made it through 15 minutes, tops.

This one, though, awesome.

What makes this movie better is the fact that the side characters (penguins and a little old lady) not only take the movie up a notch...

...but it turns out that the MADAGASCAR PENGUINS ARE GETTING THEIR OWN TV SHOW!!!

Um.

Sorry.

Small things excite me.

Great movie - the kids laughed. I laughed. The lady next to me fondling my genitalia laughed.

Like I said, great movie.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Damn.

I think I owe that lady a new bucket of popcorn.


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Thanks, Sue!!!

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Igor - I Have a Hunch You Won't Like It

"My name is Igor. Wait..wait...I have a hunch on my back. What's my name going to be?...Kevin?"

*cricket*

Scintillating dialog.

This past weekend I took the kids to see “Igor.”


Why I simply don’t start waiting for the DVD, I have no idea.

Igor is a story about an “Igor” – go figure – namely a mad scientists’ helper.

In the land that this takes place in (“Malaria” – AH, the hilarity!), if you’re born with a hunch on your back, you’re named “Igor” automatically.

Also, you are required to attend “Igor school"...

(where you learn to talk with a slur and – for some reason – an English accent)

...and you MUST work for a mad scientist.

Just for clarification, this differs from all the movies I usually see where “hump on my back” has an ENTIRELY different meaning…

…and the wife yells at me for taking the kids.

I mean, in her defense, the theater they show those in IS in a shady part of town.

But I've digressed.


Regardless, these are the rules in the city of “Malaria.”

Personally, I think that they need to start checking out their drinking water if that many kids are born with giant glops of shit on their backs…but, whatever.

The only way I can see this many kids being born with humps is if the Chinese are now in charge of water purification in the city.

This Igor (voiced by John Cusack) wants to be more than just a switch-puller...

(again…different meaning in the movies I usually watch)

...and aspires to be his own evil scientist.

When his master dies in a hideous explosion – blasting his arm clean off – he gets his chance to create his own experiment using discarded body parts.

Um...

Did I mention that this is rated “PG” and NOT “G?”

I actually had NO idea until I started writing this review.

I knew something was off during the “Brainwash” sequence where they choose to brainwash Igor’s creation using the “Axe Murderer” method.

Really.


For a 90-minute movie, I think my first laugh came on or around minute 85.

This, despite the fact that Steve Buscemi actually voices one of the main characters, was a HUGE disappointment for me.

On a side note, I believe that this is the second movie that involves Steve Buscemi and dismembered feet (see: "Fargo"...please, SEE "FARGO")

Really.

At one point, Buscemi’s character (some weird zombie rabbit) chews off his own feet.

*cricket*


22 bucks folks.

22 bucks right down the shitter.

Wait for the DVD.

Then don’t rent it.

My Score:

½ Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).


How did my kids like it?

My kids liked it…but, then again, my kids are dying to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

Kill me.

Nevermind…don’t kill me.

I might end up in “Igor 2.”


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Fly Me to the Moon (and out of the f*cking theater ASAP)

Short review today.

Over the weekend, my kids made me take them to see:

"Fly Me to the Moon - 3D"


Here, I believe the "3D" stands for:

1) Deplorable
2) Despicable
3) Dammit! I just spent money on this piece of shit that should have gone straight to video.

One of the worst movies in the history of movies.

Just so you know, it's about three flies (yes, flies) who stowaway on Apollo 11 to fulfill their dreams of getting to the moon.

Because we all know that flies have this dream.

There is also a subplot - yes, subplot - where Russian flies try to sabotage the NASA Command Center.

This subplot culminates in a United States fly vs. Russian fly fight that includes - but is not limited to:

1) Kung Fu moves
2) A knife fight
3) The intervention by "Nadia" - a Russian fly with the largest set of boobs I have ever seen on any actess...animated vermin or otherwise.


I wish I was joking here.

Because nothing says "family fun" better than a knife flight and giant breasts.

Alas, I am not joking.

Then, at the end, there's a "STOP THE CREDITS!" scream.

OH...MY...

It's BUZZ ALDRIN!!

So, here I am expecting something funny...some type of outtake...

...but Buzz says this (I'm paraphrasing):

"Just so you know, there were no flies on the Apollo 11 flight. That wouldn't have been sanitary."

Lights come on.

Gee...thanks for the hilarity, Buzz.

What the f*ck was that about?!?

I'm not even wasting my Mooge on this and giving it a score.

That's right - NO SCORE FOR YOU!!

In fact, I'm adding you to my "Moog's Awful Movie List."

The bright spot here, is that flies only have a lifespan of a little over two weeks.

With the Apollo 11 mission taking 8 days, we can be pretty sure that all the characters in this film are now dead and won't be making a sequel.

I'm gonna miss Nadia, though.

Big fly boobies.

Moog out.

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Star Wars: The Clone Wars (hey!!...is that a PLOT?!!)

Even in cartoon form, Natalie Portman is hot.

Just sayin'.

This weekend, I took the kids to see:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars



Star Wars Clone Wars.

Is it me, or is having the word "Wars" twice in one title bad grammar?

Maybe it's maybe me, maybe.

Whatever.

I actually enjoyed this movie.

It's short at an hour and a half....

...which is perfect for my attention spa...

OOH! CATERPILLAR!!

Sorry.


There is actually a plot you can FOLLOW.

This is completely unlike Star Wars episodes 1, 2 and 3...

...which required the aid of a deciphering ring from George Lucas himself to figure out what the f*ck was going on.

Since it's animated, they can get away with a lot more over-the-top action sequences and stuff...which was perfect in keeping my son entertained.

My daughter fell asleep about halfway through.

Girls. They're so icky.

Pros:
Decent plot you can follow. Good animated action sequences. Natalie Portman's character still somehow manages to turn me on even though it's a f*cking cartoon.

Cons:
I don't remember Anakin Skywalker being funny or lighthearted in any of the Star Wars movies. Here, he's basically Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Kinda weird if you follow Star Wars.

Overall, my score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...

Excuse me while I go work on my light saber in the men's room.


Oh yeah, Queen Amidala....you know you want it.

Moog out.

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Wall-E and the Biggest Loser

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where the movie ratings I see end up sounding like a rabid dog:

"G-R-R-R-G-G-R-R-R-R"

Just sayin'.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing:

Wall-E


I was really looking forward to this movie, and it didn't disappoint.

My wife, however, was a little disappointed because she expected a LOT out of this movie, and feels that it was either over-hyped, or she had just built it up a lot in her mind.

Again...this is exactly why I didn't take her to see Iron Man.

If she didn't like it, I would have no choice but to lock her in the basement for weeks.

Again.


Okay...back to Wall-E:

The movie starts out very slowly - with very little for kids to latch onto.

As such, I actually think my kids were a little bored with the beginning of the movie (about the first 20 minutes or so)...

...as there is absolutely NO dialog for at least the first 1/2 hour.

If your kids have a short attention span, Wall-E might not be for you.

Actually - if you're the jackass sitting behind me with his two year old who wouldn't shut the f*ck up - NO MOVIES are for your daughter. NONE.

Wait for the f*cking DVD, asshole. Thanks in advance.


Wall-E goes from an environmental message to a message about health and exercise, all the while being a love story.

When there finally IS dialog, it's spoken by a cast of character humans who all look like people auditioning for the reality show, "The Biggest Loser."

All the robots do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE and - as such - all the humans get enormously fat.

If you're offended by fat jokes (or fat people), then there's a lot of it here...none of which, thankfully, belongs to Oprah.


In the end, I liked the movie a lot and thought it was cute. I think my kids like "Kung Fu Panda" more, actually...

...but this is MY review and they can fight me on it when they learn to type.

Hopefully, the robots won't be doing it for them.


My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Moog out.

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Phat Panda

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

My tag line:

"Perfecting the Art of Peeing into the Popcorn Hot Butter Machine"

Seriously...it takes practice to get it just right.

Today we're reviewing "Kung Fu Panda."

Now, I get a bit of pushback on my reviews because I do a lot of kid's movies.

(screw you, mom)

However...

It's because I have kids who like movies.

As such, someone needs to sit with them.

I found this out the hard way during the "Finding Nemo Incident," which I'm still trying to have wiped off my criminal record.


But enough about that...

I took the kids to see this while my wife was at some country jamboree or some sh*t concert like that.

She likes country music.

I think it sounds like horrible crap spewed from the mouths of retarded monkeys.

I'm not sure why she doesn't invite me.


Anyway...the review.

I really liked this movie.

So did my kids.

The only problem I had was that Jack Black pretty much stays in classic jack black character.

This is awesome if you find Jack Black simply f*cking hilarious.


For example...

An opening line from a dream sequence in "Kung Fu Panda":

“...an awesome aura so awesome, his enemies would go blind from overdoses of pure awesomeness!”

Me: A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Everyone else:

*cricket*

I hate when that happens.


The karate sequences were as good if not better than that movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"...

...Or as I called it:

"Crouching tiger, hidden what the f*ck are they doing...f*cking flying?!?! What the f*ck?!!"


Anyway...

Jack Black:

His awesome level of awesomeness was awesome

Angelina Jolie:

Even as an animated tiger, I'd still bang her if my wife would get me a hall pass.


Dustin Hoffman:

Plays the sensei. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of animal that was.

Rabbit?

Welsh Corgi?


Jackie Chan:

Does anyone really care about Jackie Chan any more at this point?

My score:

3 out of 4 mooge splats.


Seriously...what are you, Dustin?

Chihuahua...?

Give me a f*cking clue, dude.

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