"Twilight" - A Guest BOOK Review!

Well, we've branched out.

I've had plenty of Guest Reviews for movies before.

But here, we get our first Guest BOOK Review.

Thanks, PkmnTrainerJ.

Here, without further ado, is a book review from PkmnTrainerJ for:

Twilight



FYI...

If you're looking for a guest MOVIE review of Twilight, you can find it here.

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The email:

Hey moog,

So long as there's a picture of the book at the top, and some thing highlighting how much of a fag that Robert Pattison/Patterson(?) is, I think this should be fine with a bit of your moogy magic.

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The review of Twilight:

What a load of utter bollocks.

People claimed that the Twilight series would be the ‘next Harry Potter’ and I should have learned to ignore the whole ‘next ’ advertising by now, especially with Heroes being spread about as the next Lost, when it doesn’t come anywhere near close.

Ah Lost, you are so damn sexy. Mmm...Lost.

Back to Twilight.

If you don’t know, Twilight is a book series by Stephanie Meyer, and is now also a film series.

In it, there’s a pale emo girl called Bella, some vampire guy called Edward I think, and in later books some werewolf comes in to make a love triangle. How you can screw up great science fiction/fantasy figures such as vampires and werewolves this badly is beyond me.

The best description I’ve ever heard for this book is “self-insertion fan fiction” from someone I follow on Twitter.

When you’re seeing things on websites like “oh, I want to be with Edward sooo much lolololol” & “I wonder what Bella’s baby will be called, I hope it will be half werewolf” etcetera, etcetera it certainly holds true.

I started up the book with an incredibly slow start, and I set it down for a few days and tried to get back in to it later on. I stopped again soon after and wondered whether the allure was just for female folk as mentioned above, but I could watch something like Buffy easily, and basically liked the Underworld films which utilised the whole vampire romance thing + werewolves, so thought that must be it.

Then, a colleague at work came in early, and said he was reading Twilight while waiting for his shift to start.

I thought of two things.

A) He’s a big queermo, in which case all the things he’s said to me have not been in jest

B) Maybe it’s just me that doesn’t get the book.

I told him it was the worst book I’ve ever read, and he started to defend it.

Our conversation was finished with me saying “Vampires. That. Glitter” and then he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the shift. Or again...oh well, no big loss.

THEY FUCKING GLITTER. NO DEATH. JUST GLITTER AND SPARKLES.

So, I tried picking it up once again when I got home, and just couldn’t do it.

It’s so terribly shit.

It’s the kind of stuff you’d expect from someone in Year 4 or 5 (about 5th Grade for America) if they wrote a short story that had to include, themselves, two fantasy races and a love story.

I only managed to get about 150 pages in to it, before I could see where the story was going, with the weird lab, the pale girl and the vampire bloke, and didn’t give a shit.

I wasn’t invested in the story because Bella hadn’t been built up very well at all. This is the only book I’ve started reading and never finished. It was that bad.

If you’re a guy, I wouldn’t advise getting this book.

If you have a girlfriend, don’t get her this book.

If you’re a woman, you already have this book, and will comment to complain at me.

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So, I don't get it, PkmnJ...did you like it or what?

I guess it's a mystery.

Anyway, that's Pkmn's take on Twilight for my first ever Guest Book Review.

Thanks, dude!

Go check him out, folks. He's a good guy and apparently has issues with really shitty books.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Twilight - and the Chick who Hated It.

Got another guest review today.

This is good, because it saves me money on movie tickets.

That means more I can spend on pay-per-view porn.

Awesome.

Today, it's Arielle from over at her blog, "Bitten."

She's reviewing the movie:

Twilight


Here you go:

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Out of the four movies I went to see over Thanksgiving break, Transporter 3, Bolt, Quantum of Solace, and Twilight, the latter movie was the worst.

(editor's note: Transporter 3?! Really?!)

Go see the first three before you think about setting foot in the theater for Twilight.

I think the only other movie that did worse in ratings over the break was Four Christmases, and it's number one in the box office right now. How does that work?

I will admit that I have read all four of the Twilight books, so I am no virgin to the series.

(editor's note: heh heh...you said 'virgin'. Sorry.)

I liked the books and I like vampires, but I am not a Twilight fanatic.

I went into the movie optimistic, hoping they wouldn't screw up the story like they did with Eragon. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.)

I dragged along my fiancée because we had a deal. I went and saw Transporter with him, so he would go see Twilight with me.

(editor's note: thank you for explaining...now, dump your fiancee...seriously...f*cking Transporter 3?!?)


Several people told me that Twilight was a decent movie, and his sister and mother went and saw it with us. It was their second time going, so there had to be something decent to see again, right?

I won't bother with a synopsis of the movie, because it's basically your typical teenage romance with vampires thrown in and a little bit of action at the end.

The book was followed well, but the characters were expressionless and empty.

I can understand the vampires in the movie showing less feeling, but the girl was human and she made the same face throughout the movie whether she was crying or confessing her undying love to the vampire she just met.

The movie itself felt slow, clunky, and awkward, yet the story moved too fast. I guess a lot of book to movie adaptations happen this way, but it felt like only a few days passed in the whole movie, yet they were completely in love forever and ever.

Watching this movie made me realize how cliché and awkward the book was.

When it's in text, it seems fine, but when you actually see it being acted out, you take a step back and realize that it's completely unrealistic, from the way the characters spoke to the way they acted, it just didn't seem natural.

I've spoken to many people who have seen this movie, and this is the general idea I get from them:

Demographically, teenage and young girls will love this movie. The girls will sit in the movie and say, "OhmiGodEdward'ssoooohot!"

People who actually pay attention to the movie instead of dreaming of themselves in Bella's place will notice how bad it is. People who have not read the books (like my fiancée) will be confused for the better part of the movie. He asked me halfway through if the main character was gay.

(editor's note: seriously...he likes "The Transporter" movies...you think this lack of wit is due to him not reading the f*cking books?)

Twilight fanatics will vehemently swear that the movie is good because they don't want to admit that they're obsessed about a pile of crap.

My fiancée's mom admitted only after the movie was over and after we complained about it that she didn't like it, and she didn't have a good reason for coming back to see it again.

All in all, watching this movie was like watching a teenage girl's fantasy gone wrong, and it was uncomfortable to sit there and see it play out. I should have just stuck to the books. Now my fiancée won't read it because he saw the movie.

(editor's note: too easy)

Oh yeah, and there are going to be three more movies in this series.

Hopefully, the acting gets better. I haven't decided yet if I'll go see the other three.

My score:

I give it 1 star/Mooge splat/toaster out of four.


...and that's only because I'm a girl, and maybe I did fantasize a little bit about being in Bella's place.

Just a little bit.

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Thanks, Arielle!! Awesome review!

We need to talk about your fiancee, though.

Seriously. He has issues.

Now, readers...go give Arielle some lovin'.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.