Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Moog's List of Suck - #1


If I were to give ZERO splats to any movies…what would they be?

Actually…let’s rephrase this.

If I was to give 0 splats to any movies that were SUPPOSED to be good…what would they be?

Well…here they are:

1) Brokeback Mountain

I suffered through this thinking it had to get better at some point.

I mean...rave reviews, right? Oscar contender, right?

RIGHT?!?

Then, there was continual scenes of hideous gay man-sex and I damn near sued Netflix for allowing me to rent it.

Hey...I'm all for gay rights and shit...

...just not on my fucking Sony.

To this day, the image of Jake Gyllenhaal getting cornholed by Heath Ledger is still burned into my memory.

Sometimes, I wake up screaming.


2) Bend it Like Beckham

I lasted about 10 minutes into this (which is about 3 times longer than sex…but whatever).

The only reason I lasted that long was because I was trying to see if that chick from ER would drop her top or something.

She didn’t. It wasn’t funny. I bailed.


3) Mulholland Drive

Three words:

What. The. Fuck.


Really. What the fuck WAS that?!?

Two hours of my life gone…gone…and – you know what? – I have NO IDEA where they went.


4) Do the Right Thing

This movie has the honor of being the only movie – THE ONLY MOVIE – in the history of “me” that I’ve ever fallen asleep in at the theater.

I mean, the cover of the movie looks all "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" like...but no...

Movie sucked.


Yes folks…

...it was SO exciting that I basically paid $7 to sleep in a chair that made my ass hurt.

Just like Jake Gyllenhaal’s.

Poor bastard.

2 comments:

AngryMan said...

You wrote about Mullholland Drive but didn't mention the awesome lesbian sex scenes?

What the hell is wrong w/you, man?

C.Rag said...

Heath Ledger spitting on his cock before ramming Jake will also be with you.