Hard Candy (squirm factor: 5)

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Hard Candy


What can I say about “Hard Candy” other than:

The last time I was this uncomfortable watching a movie, was the time I watched “Wild Things” with my mom.

It wasn’t the screaming hot lesbian scenes that were the problem.

It was the fact that I kept going, “Ooooohhhh” and had to hide my tented pants the entire time as I masturbated with my back to her.

Awkward.


DAMN YOU, KEVIN BACON!!

Um..I mean:

DAMN YOU NEVE CAMPBELL AND DENISE RICHARDS!!

I'm not gay.

(re-adding “Wild Things” onto my Netflix list now…my mom lives 20 miles away)

Back to ‘Hard Candy.’

Hard Candy is basically a story about a 14 year old girl (Ellen Page from the AWESOMELY AWESOME movie, ‘Juno’ (see my review of 'Juno' here) lured into a relationship with a 32-year old pedophile (Patrick Wilson).

At least, she thinks he’s a pedophile…

...but we’re not sure if he is or not.

Hence, the mystery.


Was she lured here?

Was he going to attack her?

Did she plan this?

My GOD…can the camera guy get any f*cking closer to these people’s faces? I feel like I should try to pop their zits or something.

BACK THE F*CK OFF, CAMERA GUY!

Why didn’t I rent something else?

I think I need to shave my balls…they’re feeling scruffy.

These are the things that came through my mind.

Sometimes...I drift off.


Regardless, the story ends up being a ‘thriller’ where you’re trying to figure out if Ellen Page is a f*cking fruitcake, or if this guy really is a pedophile.

This – thankfully – isn’t given away until the very end of the movie…so it DOES keep you entertained, in that respect.

For my guy readers out there, there are also plenty of scenes that will have you curled up on the f*cking couch worse than the torture scene in Braveheart.

Trust me on this one. You WILL squirm.

Overall, not bad.

Not great…and I probably wouldn’t watch it again.

Squirming on my couch that much through this one time is more than enough.

My score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…off to shave my nads.

I need to be ready for when “Wild Things” arrives.

Dammit...I'm gonna need more tissues.

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