"Up" - Get Up and Go

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

UP


Finally.

After seeing the horrible fuckshow known as "Night at the Museum 2"...

...I get a movie that is WORTH seeing.

Well worth it.

Suffice it to say, "Up" has earned a place in my top 20 movie list of all time.

Easily.

Yes.

A Pixar animated film has justly joined the ranks of such greats as:

1) Jaws

2) Braveheart

3) The Fugitive

4) Dr. Gonzo's Six-Hour Anything Goes SexFest Extravaganza

Six hours...plus lesbian action...three ways...AND anal?

You don't get much better that THAT, my friends.


Where was I?

Oh.

Up.

To be honest, the movie may be a bit slow and/or confusing for those kids 5 and under...

...as the first 20 minutes of the movie outlines the main character, Mr. Fredrickson, from childhood to old age.

In this period, he meets his wife as a young boy...and the beginning of the film outlines their life together and, eventually, her death.

During this period of the movie, there is VERY little dialog...so very young ones may find themselves fidgeting a bit and needing to have the synopsis here explained.

That being said:

GO SEE IT ANYWAY.

Mr. Frederickson takes it upon himself to see to it that his wife's desire for a life of adventure not go to waste.

This is similar to my desire for adventure.

Unfortunately, 'adventure' for me means 'getting the mail.'

I'm sad sometimes.


Mr. Frederickson thusly rigs his home (on the verge of destruction by a local builder) with enough helium-filled balloons to transport him to the land of "Paradise Falls," a mythical place in South America where he and his wife always dreamed of going.

Things go awry, though, when a local Cub Scout named "Russell" becomes an unwanted stow away.

Long story short, the house eventually lands on "Paradise Falls" which is populated by a rare animal, a man who is trying to hunt it and his pack of obedient dogs outfitted with collars that allow them to talk.

Mr. Frederickson and Russell take it upon themselves to help save the animal from the hunter and - in the end - find their own adventure and a true and lasting friendship.

This movie has something for everyone, and is definitely worth the price of admission.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

I still have 5 hours and 45 minutes of my Dr. Gonzo video to watch.

At 5 minutes per viewing, this is gonna take me forever.

Moog out.


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"Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian" - Amy Adams in Tight Pants!!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian


Ugh.

Let's cut to the chase on this one, shall we?

Is the movie good?

No.

No it's not.

Is the movie funny?

The movie has, maybe, two funny parts in it.

Both of which involve a squirrel.

Ironically, my favorite porn movie also has a squirrel in it.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Is it funnier than the first movie?

Fuck no.

If you didn't think the first movie was even a little good/funny...you will friggin' hate the shit out of this one.

Yes. You will hate the shit out of it.

I'm coining that phrase.


Will the kids like it?

My son, who turns 6 in July, was bored out of his mind until the last 20 minutes of the movie when the actual "Battle of the Smithsonian" takes place.

Come to think of it, so was I.

So, no.

Unless your kids enjoy being bored for an hour and a half, they probably won't like it.

They will SAY they like it after it's over because, well, kids are stupid.

Is there ANYTHING to like in the movie?

Actually, yes.

There are three things that I found enjoyable:

1) Amy Adams wears tight pants

Amy Adams plays Amelia Earhart in this movie.

Throughout the movie, she wears skin-tight pants.

This is a good thing.


2) Bill Hader is in it

If you've seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' ...

(and if you HAVEN'T seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' then seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!)

...or Superbad, then you know who Bill Hader is.

(see my latest review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall here)

He's awesome.

Here, he plays General Custer, and has some decent dialog - especially when he's trying to say Sacajawea's name.

3) It ends

Thankfully, this movie ends and you get to leave the theater.

My Score

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me...

I have to Google some pictures of Amelia Earhart to see what SHE'D look like in tight pants.

* 2 minutes later

Not good.

Not good at all.

Moog out.

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"Monsters vs. Aliens" - Gooey Goodness in 3D

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Monsters vs. Aliens


Because I'm still doing this shit one-handed, I'll make it quick.

My wife hears this every third Saturday night.

She cries sometimes.

Regardless, we took the kids to see "Monsters vs. Aliens" at an IMAX Theater.

IMAX + 3D = HOLYFUCKSHIT

(sorry for the math)


Synopsis:

Monsters vs. Aliens revolves around a central character, Susan (Reese Witherspoon successfully animated to have her weird chin removed) who is hit by a meteor on the day she's supposed to marry he fiance, Derek (Paul Rudd! Hooray!)

The meteor infuses her with an alien element that causes her to become ginormous. Of course, the military steps in - captures her - and puts her in a super-secret facility with several other "monsters" they've captured.


When an alien actually detects the presence of this element on Earth (inside Susan) , he begins his quest of retrieving the element and destroying the planet in the process.

When the military fails to destroy the alien invasion, it calls upon the monsters to do the job.

My Review:

It was good, not great.

The 3D effects and animation, combined with the monster, B.O.B, (voiced awesomely by Seth Rogen) save this movie from being somewhat shitty.


I think the majority of laughter I heard was coming from adults in the theater, but my wife said my she had never heard my 5-year-old son laugh so hard in a movie before.

The movie starts off slow and may be a little confusing for kids at first - but it picks up when Susan is thrown in with the monsters and ramps up from there.

If your kids like movies and animation, take them to see it - the 3D alone is very impressive.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


3D is the way to go.

I'm just gald they didn't digitize Reese Witherspoon's chin.

I can't imagine that thing coming right at me.

Moog out.


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Coraline - Wait...Are Those...PASTIES?!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Coraline


What.

The Fuck.

Did I just watch?

No..scratch that...

What did I just bring my kids to?!?!?

Let's preface this first:

I didn't want to see Coraline.

My kids did.

Since I will sit in a movie theater to pretty much watch anything as long as I'm paying the early matinee fee ($700 per ticket + $2 for the 3D Glasses), I'll go.

So we went.

On a related note:

I'm stupid.


The Plot:
Coraline is a kid (Dakota Fanning) who moves into some delapitated old house with her lame parents (Teri Hatcher and John Hodgman) who apparently don't give a shit about her.

I haven't seen parent neglect this bad since I put my kids in the closet last weekend so the wife and I could go out.

OMG! The kids!!

Eh. They probably still have some water and jerky left.

I'll get to them as soon as I'm done this.

A neighborhood boy befriends Coraline and gives her a doll that he found that looks just like her...

...except the eyes are simply black buttons.

NO! Not creepy at all!


This begins an adventure where Coraline discovers a hidden door in her slum shithouse that leads to an alternate world - everything that she knows is there...

BUT IT'S BETTER.

The food is better.

The parents are better.

The house is better.

The crack whores don't have AIDS.

Oh. Wait.

That last one is MY alternate world.

My bad.

The only problem here is that the requirement to STAY in this world is:

Coraline has to remove her eyes and replace them with buttons.

THIS ISN'T SCARY FOR KIDS AT ALL!

Here's how to decide if you should take your kids to see this:

1) Your kids aren't easily scared

2) You don't mind your little kids seeing an old woman with Triple-F sized tits walking around in pasties.

No shit.

Here's one of the characters from a scene in the movie:


What. The. Fuck.

You could hear a collective gasp from the parents in the theater as we all went:

"Heh...heh...um...oh. Oh. Oh that's really fucking inappropriate."

If I want to see giant tits and pasties on an old broad, I'll go visit my mother.

3) Your kids don't like to laugh

This is not a "Finding Nemo." There's not a single laugh in the whole story.

The good part:

The 3D.

The 3D is awesomely done.

You know...if your kid can see through his petrified tears.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Did I mention the kid ghosts?

The ghosts who had their eyes removed and are now dead...

...and Coraline has to GO SEARCH FOR THEIR MISSING EYES in order to set them free to go to Heaven?

* cricket

Or the giant evil spider-lady with black eyes and needles for fingers and legs?

Yeah.

This isn't scary at all.

Moog out.


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Hotel for Dogs - Animal Control is the AntiChrist!

Yep.

A TWO-MOVIE weekend.

Because I took it upon myself to see two adult movies (well…not ADULT movies…I get those free with my Cinemax subscription), two weeks in a row (Gran Torino and The Wrestler), the Gods of Retribution found it necessary to put out the following movie:

Hotel for Dogs.

Yep.

Hotel for Dogs.


No, I was not drunk.

Of course, my kids wanted to see it.

In the interest of gaining two hours of silence and being able to eat popcorn, I took them to see it.

Honestly...

It wasn’t that bad.

On a related note:

Apparently, I no longer have any standards.


Hotel for Dogs is about a brother (Jake T. Austin) and sister (Emma Roberts) who live with a hideous foster family (Lisa Kudrow (looking like shit) and Kevin Dillon (DRAMA!!!)).

In an effort to track down where their dog (who they have without their foster parents knowing) ran off to, they discover an abandoned hotel that’s home to a couple of strays.

By the way, Don Cheadle plays a Social Worker.

Don Fucking Cheadle.

Don. Hey dude.

What the fuck?

Hotel for fucking Dogs? Is this what it's come to for you?


Sorry. Sorry.

The story becomes the kids’ desire to save any stray they can find in the city, and house them in this abandoned hotel – which they keep running via the brother’s inventions and contraptions.

They employ the help of a few other kids who work in the nearby pet store or are in the neighborhood, in an effort to keep the dogs safe from the city's Animal Protection Officers and impending death.

Because, you know, nothing says ‘family friendly’ more than a couple of kids with dead parents and a bunch of dogs about to be euthanized.


My kids both cried horribly during the movie.

Because of this, I would say that the cutoff age for this movie would be 5 or 6.

My son, Cam, who’s 5 was able to keep his attention.

You know, when he wasn't fucking crying.

The kids cried because I was forced to explain to my 8 year old girl why the Dog Pound sign said ‘We Only Keep Dogs for 72 Hours’ and why the Animal Control Officer left with a dog into the back room…then came back without him.

Me: “Well..honey..if no one comes to take the dog, they put them to sleep.”

Payton: “WHAT?!?”

Then…3/4 through the movie…

...every fucking dog that we’ve grown to know by name through the film gets fucking caught and brought to the pound.

(Insert crying, hysterical 8-year old girl here)

Payton: “BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE DOGS?!?! Will they die?!?”

Ugh.

Me: “No, honey..no. It will be fine…just watch…it will be okay.”

You can hear this conversation everywhere in the theater.

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

THAT’S a fucking conversation I wanted to have today.

Assholes.


In the end, all the dogs are killed because everyone likes puppies better.

I’m kidding.

There’s a happy ending…and the kids ended up really enjoying the movie.

I didn’t think it was all that bad, really. At least, not as bad as I THOUGHT it was going to be.

Except, now my kids want more dogs.

Again…

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

Assholes.

My Score (for kids) :

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


One final thought:

If you’re an Animal Control Officer, I’m assuming you cannot bring your kids to any movie that involves stray dogs.

This is because Animal Control Officers in movies:

1) Want all dogs in the world to just fucking die

2) Hate children – especially children who like dogs

3) Have trademarked the phrase ‘mangy mutts’

If I’m an Animal Control Officer trying to keep these animals safe and in shelters, there’s no fucking way I’m taking my kids to this shit.

They’ll fucking hate me forever.

Kids: “DADDY?!? WHY DO YOU KILL THEM?! WHY DO YOU HATE THE DOGGIES?!?”

Me: “I...I...I don’t honey. I only do this to dogs owned by the people at Nickelodeon.”

Assholes.

Moog out.

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The Tale of Despereaux (or...Ratatouille, Part 2)

Well, it wouldn't be my site if I didn't have a kid's movie to bitch about.

My kids make me see bad movies.

It's what they do.

Today's review:

The Tale of Despereaux


Eh.

I liked this movie better the first time I saw it and it was called Ratatouille.

Seriously.

How many movies can you have about rodents where the plot primarily revolves around soup?

SOUP?!?

Seriously - I'm French, and I don't sit around eating fucking soup all day.

I mean, I like soup..don't get me wrong.

But my world wouldn't end if I couldn't find a packet of Lipton Cup-a-Soup in the fucking house.


The primary difference in this movie is that rats are bad.

Ratatouille = rats are good.

Despereaux = rats are evil.

Way to confuse the kids there.

The main character, Despereaux, is voiced by Matthew Broderick.

I can see this...

...as surely Matthew Broderick is desperATE to stop banging Sarah Jessica Parker.

God - even the mere mention of her name shrinks my dick.


Despereaux is different from other mice in that he is adventurous, considerate and has courage.

How he teaches these traits to others through his actions is primarily the moral of the story.

Oh yeah - and rats are like little tiny Rachael Rays with longer tails.

Evil, I say. Evil.

This movie SHOULD have been better with the cast of characters:

Dustin Hoffman

Emma Watson

Kevin Kline

William H. Macy

Christopher Lloyd

Sigourney Weaver

Listen - if they ever make an actual movie with all these people in it, it's gonna be good.

This one?

Not so much.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

My kids liked it, so I gave it an extra 1/2 splat.

Excuse me, now.

I'm dying for some soup.

I am French, you know.

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Bolt - (Richard Gere would LOVE this hamster)

Today on Moog's Movie Reviews, I'm reviewing the latest kid-flick:

Bolt


The wife and I took the kids to see this the day after Thanksgiving.

Along with 7,000,000 other parents.

Including the broad who fell asleep in the row behind me while her four year old daughter KEPT KICKING MY F*CKING CHAIR SERIOUSLY KID I WILL RIP YOUR F*CKING LEGS OFF IF YOU DON'T STOP I SWEAR IT.

Ahem.

It was a joyous event.

Bolt (voiced by John Travolta) is about a scientologist who is banging Kelly Preston.

Oops. Sorry. That's Travolta.

Prick.


Bolt is about a dog with super powers including, but not limited to:

1) Laser Vision
2) A Super Bark
3) Super Strength
4) Supersonic leg-humping ability

The problem is, that he BELIEVES he has these powers, but really doesn't.

This is because Bolt is actually the star of a TV show about a "super dog" - and the producers and cast want to make sure he believes this so his grit and determination appear real on the set.

I believe they did this same trick with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman.

OMG. I would let Lynda Carter lasso me any time.

But I've digressed.


When his "person" is kidnapped ("Penny" voiced by Miley Cyrus...um..is she legal yet?)in a story plot, Bolt believes this is real and breaks out of the set in an attempt to rescue her.

Thus, the movie revolves around Bolt's quest and coming to terms with the fact that he is not, in fact, super.

On the way he befriends two other characters, a cat and a hamster.

The hamster pretty much steals every scene he's in, and is pretty much worth the price of admission alone.


I laughed a lot during this movie, causing my wife - at one point - to look at me from three seats away and mouth:

"SHUT. UP."

Apparently, I was that one loud jackass who's killing himself while everyone else is mildly chuckling.

Awesome.

Regardless, I highly recommend Bolt for the entire family.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

...I'm off to rent the Wonder Woman DVD set.

Lynda Carter, I have a wonderful night planned with you, me, the remote, and a big box of tissues.

I'm gonna lasso that asso.

Moog out.

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Madagascar 2 - I F*cking LOVE Penguins

So, I took the kids this weekend to see:

Madagascar 2


Yeah. Me, and 7 million other people for that show.

Listen, when you're 20 minutes early for the show, and it's already packed, you know the whole experience is gonna suck.

Crying babies?

Check.

Stupid bitch with her Blackberry lighting up in front of me every 5 minutes?

Of course.

Little shit kid behind us kicking my daughter's chair?

Why not?

Low volume on the movie?

What?

Hey...theater manager...

Could you also put tacks on my chair while throwing salt in my eyes? Thanks in advance.

Regardless - once the movie started and got going, it was great.

Great.

Honestly, I couldn't stand the first one. I think I made it through 15 minutes, tops.

This one, though, awesome.

What makes this movie better is the fact that the side characters (penguins and a little old lady) not only take the movie up a notch...

...but it turns out that the MADAGASCAR PENGUINS ARE GETTING THEIR OWN TV SHOW!!!

Um.

Sorry.

Small things excite me.

Great movie - the kids laughed. I laughed. The lady next to me fondling my genitalia laughed.

Like I said, great movie.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Damn.

I think I owe that lady a new bucket of popcorn.


*************************

Thanks, Sue!!!

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Beverly Hill Chihuahua and the Virginity Incident

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Someone, please….

Kill me.

Today, I’m reviewing another kid’s movie:

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

(please see above “kill me” comment)


My wife gracefully “opted out” of seeing this movie with me and the kids.

When I say “opted out,” I mean “she said ‘f*ck no’.”

But – the kids wanted to see it, and I like taking them to the movies so I said, “sure.”

A few things to note here:

1) “Beverly Hill Chihuahua” was the NUMBER ONE movie this weekend.

2) The movie I WANTED to see “Eagle Eye” came in second. SECOND.

3) I no longer want to see “Eagle Eye” if it can’t beat a talking f*cking dog movie.


The worst part of the movie was this:

The movie was rated “PG.” As to why this is, I have not a single clue.

However, prior to the movie, the theater decides to show a trailer for an upcoming piece of shit “feel good” Christmas crapfest called “Nothing Like the Holidays.”

We’re watching this trailer, when John Leguizamo looks at another character and says:

“Hey..I lost my virginity on that couch.”

Um.

Hellooooooooooo?

Mr. Theater Manager…sir?

See this? See all of this?

(me pointing at theater packed with little kids who want to see talking Chihuahuas)

You might want to shelve that trailer.

I was in no f*cking mood to answer this:

Daughter: “Dad? What’s a virginity?”

Me: "Um..."

Son: “How did he lose it? Did he drop it?”

Thanks, asshole.


Back to the movie – I have to tell you that I didn’t hate it.

In fact, I found myself laughing out loud a few times.

Two words can sum up the type of humor in this movie:

Chihuahua. Stampede.

Awesome.

Of course, all the characters have Spanish accents, since, well…they ARE Chihuahuas and the story mainly takes place in Mexico.

Coincidentally, all of them drove around packed into a 1982 Toyota, had 7 kids, and were continually taking up all the available seats in the local hospital emergency room.

Wait. Nevermind.

That wasn't the movie.


However, the overall theme here was that the main culture was Spanish.

So, when the credits rolled, my daughter recognized one of the voiceover characters.

Daughter: “Ooooh! Paul Rodriguez! He does a show on Nickelodeon!”

Then…my son…

Son: “Ohhhhh….I know him. Daddy, does he play the brown guy?”

Yes, son.

He plays a brown guy.

Although, I don't think he really has a choice.

Racial intolerance is funny. Teach it at home!!


Long story short, the movie teaches some decent lessons about overcoming adversity and not letting your size or stature get in the way of achieving things.

This is a good lesson for them to learn…

…as both my wife and I are, like, 5-foot-2 and the kids don’t have much hope of towering over other people and crushing them with sheer force.

From a kid’s point of view, I’ll give it my score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse me, I have to go.

This theater isn’t going to picket itself.

Virginity at a talking Chihuahua movie.

What the f*ck.

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Igor - I Have a Hunch You Won't Like It

"My name is Igor. Wait..wait...I have a hunch on my back. What's my name going to be?...Kevin?"

*cricket*

Scintillating dialog.

This past weekend I took the kids to see “Igor.”


Why I simply don’t start waiting for the DVD, I have no idea.

Igor is a story about an “Igor” – go figure – namely a mad scientists’ helper.

In the land that this takes place in (“Malaria” – AH, the hilarity!), if you’re born with a hunch on your back, you’re named “Igor” automatically.

Also, you are required to attend “Igor school"...

(where you learn to talk with a slur and – for some reason – an English accent)

...and you MUST work for a mad scientist.

Just for clarification, this differs from all the movies I usually see where “hump on my back” has an ENTIRELY different meaning…

…and the wife yells at me for taking the kids.

I mean, in her defense, the theater they show those in IS in a shady part of town.

But I've digressed.


Regardless, these are the rules in the city of “Malaria.”

Personally, I think that they need to start checking out their drinking water if that many kids are born with giant glops of shit on their backs…but, whatever.

The only way I can see this many kids being born with humps is if the Chinese are now in charge of water purification in the city.

This Igor (voiced by John Cusack) wants to be more than just a switch-puller...

(again…different meaning in the movies I usually watch)

...and aspires to be his own evil scientist.

When his master dies in a hideous explosion – blasting his arm clean off – he gets his chance to create his own experiment using discarded body parts.

Um...

Did I mention that this is rated “PG” and NOT “G?”

I actually had NO idea until I started writing this review.

I knew something was off during the “Brainwash” sequence where they choose to brainwash Igor’s creation using the “Axe Murderer” method.

Really.


For a 90-minute movie, I think my first laugh came on or around minute 85.

This, despite the fact that Steve Buscemi actually voices one of the main characters, was a HUGE disappointment for me.

On a side note, I believe that this is the second movie that involves Steve Buscemi and dismembered feet (see: "Fargo"...please, SEE "FARGO")

Really.

At one point, Buscemi’s character (some weird zombie rabbit) chews off his own feet.

*cricket*


22 bucks folks.

22 bucks right down the shitter.

Wait for the DVD.

Then don’t rent it.

My Score:

½ Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).


How did my kids like it?

My kids liked it…but, then again, my kids are dying to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

Kill me.

Nevermind…don’t kill me.

I might end up in “Igor 2.”


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Journey to the Center of Mediocrity

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where, quite frankly, I think the ushers are sick of seeing me regularly, and are now starting to push me around when I show up.

This is why I pee on the floor.

Yeah...

...that ain't butter you're stepping in.

Today, I'm reviewing "Journey to the Center of the Earth."


Starring Brendan Frasier.

So, pretty much, you know right off it's probably gonna suck ass.

BINGO!!


Interestingly, the reviews I read PRIOR to seeing said something like this:

"See it in 3D. Otherwise, it's not very good."

Um.

Well...I SAW it in 3D and didn't think it was very good.

So I can only imagine the amount of suckitude it displayed in regular 2D.

Fine..fine...

...it wasn't THAT bad.

As long as you KNOW you're not going in to see some great literary masterpiece...it may be worth the matinee fee. Nothing more than that, though.

In the end:

My kids really liked it.

The 3D was very good.

The only problem I had was that to get the 3D experience, I had to pay TWO DOLLARS extra for the glasses.

It's not the two bucks that hurt me, it's the fact that:

1) I will never use these again in my life (couldn't I just put a f*cking deposit on them or something?)

2) The glasses are the size of a small Volkswagen



My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



2 Splats for 3D, mind you.

Subtract two for having to watch Brendan Frasier in 2 Dimensions.

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