Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Monday, December 22, 2008

Tropic Thunder - Robert Downey Jr. is Obama-ish!


That's pretty much all I can say about after this movie showed up from Netflix:

Tropic Thunder

I had high hopes for this one.

Jack Black.

Ben Stiller.

Robert Downey Jr
. made up as a black guy.

( it 'black guy' or 'African American'? Colored? Obama-ish? What can I call them these days without offending them? Um...actually...nevermind...I'm probably too late now.)

The plot is comprised of a bunch of movie actors trying to make a Vietnam war movie.

However, to make it more realistic, the director dumps them into the jungle which is, ironically, actually still full of enemy soldiers.

That, in a nutshell, is Tropic Thunder.

In the end, I was, like:


I laughed out loud quite a bit, I have to admit.

However, what surprised me was HOW FUCKING GROSS some of the scenes were. I mean, disturbingly, graphically, over-the-top nasty gross.

We're talking "Tonya Harding Porno" gross (click to be nastified...or don't, and save your sanity).


In the end, I have to say that I DID laugh...but was totally on the fence after watching this.

The saving grace of this entire movie is actually BEFORE the movie.

You get 'movie trailers'.

The kicker here is that they are "fake" movie trailers from each actor in Tropic Thunder...each one more hilarious than the one before it.

Robert Downey's is classic. Classic.

Then the movie starts.


My Score:/span>

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (Out of a possible four)

Now..excuse me...

I have to petition the movie studios to have them make that Robert Downey Jr. flick.

Looks awesome.

Moog out.


Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Hancock - HA! I Wrote 'cock!'

Today, I'm reviewing another item off my Netflix list:


I really thought I was going to hate this movie.

Will Smith plays "John Hancock" - not to be confused with "John Handcock" - which, according to the Urban Dictionary is:

a) A man who frequents prostitutes (John), but materbates on, or is masterbated by (handcock) the prostitute, rather than having sex with her, as a means of avoiding STDs.


b) The act of male masturbation whilst seated on a toilet. reviews and information about guys who whack off on the toilet.

Where else do you get this shit?

One stop shopping!

But I've digressed.

I really thought this was going to be a movie I didn't like.

However, just like my viewing of "I Am Legend," I expected the worst but was pleasantly surprised after watching it.

As far as the plot:

John Hancock is a superhero hated by the public.

This is because, primarily, he's a complete and utter asshole.

He drinks.

He destroys property.

He hates people and has total disregard for others.

Actually, John Hancock the superhero is much like most New York Yankees fans.


His one saving grace is the appearance of Jason Bateman and his wife played by Charlize Theron.

Awesome to see these two (Jason and Charlize) again - they last played boyfriend/girlfriend on "Arrested Development" - one of the absolute greatest shows on the face of the planet that nobody f*cking watched.


I have yet to see anything Jason Bateman is in where he isn't simply balls-out awesome (see: Juno).

Regardless...the opening 'flying' sequence was really, really cheesy.

The special effects were SO bad, in fact, that it brought back memories of "The Greatest American Hero."

Believe it or not.

See what I did there?

No? How old ARE you?

On that note:

Robert Culp..WHERE ARE YOU?

There's a twist in the movie that I won't tell you about.

However, now that you KNOW there's a twist, you'll be able to spot it about 10 minutes in.

It doesn't ruin the movie, but it would have been better had they held out a bit and not given so much of it away.

Regardless, the Bateman/Theron reunion grants this an extra 1/2 star on top of what I would have given it.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

Now...excuse me.

I have some more pictures I need to research of Charlize Theron.

Just call me "John Handcock."

Moog out.


Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Zombie Strippers - a Guest Review!!


A faithful reader has stepped up and answered my call for a review of:

Zombie Strippers

Thanks, Pusher Robot!!

Here goes:


After reading your post regarding the movie Zombie Strippers, I felt it my duty and obligation to immediately put it on my Netflix list and send it right to the top of the queue.

I know what you're thinking:

This is just gonna be a bunch of half naked women parading around for the entire movie jiggling their goodies on screen. Why would I want to see that?

Well ... for exactly that reason.

What? Are you stupid?

Is it my fault that 90% of the movie takes place in a strip club? After all, who am I to judge?

Ok, so here's the deal. If you like "stupid" movies like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" you will LOVE this.

Zombie Strippers is a must see if:

a) you like gore and guts
b) you like boobs
c) you like the funny.

Yes, that's right. This movie is FUNNY.

There are all kinds of humorous bits stuck in throughout this movie, including, but not limited to badgers and an undead cat-fight.

My apologies for the brevity of this review but, well, a dozen dead breasts are calling my name and well, we can't keep them waiting now can we?

Personally I have to give this 3 Mooge splats (out of 4) just for entertainment value alone!

At least that's what we'd give it in the old country!

Pusher Robot

Thanks, Pusher!! Awesome review!

(off to rent the movie now)

Go show Pusher some loving. Zombie-Stripper style.

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Twilight - and the Chick who Hated It.

Got another guest review today.

This is good, because it saves me money on movie tickets.

That means more I can spend on pay-per-view porn.


Today, it's Arielle from over at her blog, "Bitten."

She's reviewing the movie:


Here you go:


Out of the four movies I went to see over Thanksgiving break, Transporter 3, Bolt, Quantum of Solace, and Twilight, the latter movie was the worst.

(editor's note: Transporter 3?! Really?!)

Go see the first three before you think about setting foot in the theater for Twilight.

I think the only other movie that did worse in ratings over the break was Four Christmases, and it's number one in the box office right now. How does that work?

I will admit that I have read all four of the Twilight books, so I am no virgin to the series.

(editor's note: heh said 'virgin'. Sorry.)

I liked the books and I like vampires, but I am not a Twilight fanatic.

I went into the movie optimistic, hoping they wouldn't screw up the story like they did with Eragon. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.)

I dragged along my fiancée because we had a deal. I went and saw Transporter with him, so he would go see Twilight with me.

(editor's note: thank you for, dump your fiancee...seriously...f*cking Transporter 3?!?)

Several people told me that Twilight was a decent movie, and his sister and mother went and saw it with us. It was their second time going, so there had to be something decent to see again, right?

I won't bother with a synopsis of the movie, because it's basically your typical teenage romance with vampires thrown in and a little bit of action at the end.

The book was followed well, but the characters were expressionless and empty.

I can understand the vampires in the movie showing less feeling, but the girl was human and she made the same face throughout the movie whether she was crying or confessing her undying love to the vampire she just met.

The movie itself felt slow, clunky, and awkward, yet the story moved too fast. I guess a lot of book to movie adaptations happen this way, but it felt like only a few days passed in the whole movie, yet they were completely in love forever and ever.

Watching this movie made me realize how cliché and awkward the book was.

When it's in text, it seems fine, but when you actually see it being acted out, you take a step back and realize that it's completely unrealistic, from the way the characters spoke to the way they acted, it just didn't seem natural.

I've spoken to many people who have seen this movie, and this is the general idea I get from them:

Demographically, teenage and young girls will love this movie. The girls will sit in the movie and say, "OhmiGodEdward'ssoooohot!"

People who actually pay attention to the movie instead of dreaming of themselves in Bella's place will notice how bad it is. People who have not read the books (like my fiancée) will be confused for the better part of the movie. He asked me halfway through if the main character was gay.

(editor's note: seriously...he likes "The Transporter" think this lack of wit is due to him not reading the f*cking books?)

Twilight fanatics will vehemently swear that the movie is good because they don't want to admit that they're obsessed about a pile of crap.

My fiancée's mom admitted only after the movie was over and after we complained about it that she didn't like it, and she didn't have a good reason for coming back to see it again.

All in all, watching this movie was like watching a teenage girl's fantasy gone wrong, and it was uncomfortable to sit there and see it play out. I should have just stuck to the books. Now my fiancée won't read it because he saw the movie.

(editor's note: too easy)

Oh yeah, and there are going to be three more movies in this series.

Hopefully, the acting gets better. I haven't decided yet if I'll go see the other three.

My score:

I give it 1 star/Mooge splat/toaster out of four.

...and that's only because I'm a girl, and maybe I did fantasize a little bit about being in Bella's place.

Just a little bit.

Thanks, Arielle!! Awesome review!

We need to talk about your fiancee, though.

Seriously. He has issues.

Now, readers...go give Arielle some lovin'.


Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bolt - (Richard Gere would LOVE this hamster)

Today on Moog's Movie Reviews, I'm reviewing the latest kid-flick:


The wife and I took the kids to see this the day after Thanksgiving.

Along with 7,000,000 other parents.

Including the broad who fell asleep in the row behind me while her four year old daughter KEPT KICKING MY F*CKING CHAIR SERIOUSLY KID I WILL RIP YOUR F*CKING LEGS OFF IF YOU DON'T STOP I SWEAR IT.


It was a joyous event.

Bolt (voiced by John Travolta) is about a scientologist who is banging Kelly Preston.

Oops. Sorry. That's Travolta.


Bolt is about a dog with super powers including, but not limited to:

1) Laser Vision
2) A Super Bark
3) Super Strength
4) Supersonic leg-humping ability

The problem is, that he BELIEVES he has these powers, but really doesn't.

This is because Bolt is actually the star of a TV show about a "super dog" - and the producers and cast want to make sure he believes this so his grit and determination appear real on the set.

I believe they did this same trick with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman.

OMG. I would let Lynda Carter lasso me any time.

But I've digressed.

When his "person" is kidnapped ("Penny" voiced by Miley she legal yet?)in a story plot, Bolt believes this is real and breaks out of the set in an attempt to rescue her.

Thus, the movie revolves around Bolt's quest and coming to terms with the fact that he is not, in fact, super.

On the way he befriends two other characters, a cat and a hamster.

The hamster pretty much steals every scene he's in, and is pretty much worth the price of admission alone.

I laughed a lot during this movie, causing my wife - at one point - to look at me from three seats away and mouth:


Apparently, I was that one loud jackass who's killing himself while everyone else is mildly chuckling.


Regardless, I highly recommend Bolt for the entire family.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats
(out of a possible four)

Now...excuse me...

...I'm off to rent the Wonder Woman DVD set.

Lynda Carter, I have a wonderful night planned with you, me, the remote, and a big box of tissues.

I'm gonna lasso that asso.

Moog out.


Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.