An Awesome Knight

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Yeah.

Thrilling.

I know.

Today I'm reviewing "The Dark Knight."


Two words:

Holy.

Crap.

Just when I think that there can't POSSIBLY be a better superhero movie than Iron Man...

...comes "The Dark Knight."

Let's break it down...

The Pros:

1) Heath Ledger's "Joker" somehow manages to best the bad guy from "No Country for Old Men" as the best villain EVER.

EVER.

This is NOT a kid's movie. The Joker is VIOLENT. Nasty. Disgusting. Creepy. He's also a murderer...he is NOT channeling Jack Nicholson.

Almost like Rosie O'Donnell...except he uses a knife to shred his victims instead of his giant, soul-devouring mouth.

But, whatever.



2) Christian Bale is cool.

This guy can't possibly get any better.

At least this is what I thought until I saw the "Coming Attractions" before the movie.

There's a new "Terminator" movie coming.

(queue boner)

And Christian Bale is in it.

(OMG!! OMG!!)

I think I poo'd a little I was so excited.



The cons:

1) The movie is 2-1/2 hours long.

I really really start to lose interest over two hours.

At one point, I was thinking the movie was over...but it kept going for another half hour or 45 minutes.

My wife thought it went fast.

Good for her.

2) It's a Batman movie.

When I asked my wife how she liked it, she said:

"Heath Ledger MADE the movie. Except for him, though...it was just a Batman movie."

I can somewhat agree with her. Without Ledger's uber-creepy Joker...this movie would have been WAY too long and just another Batman movie.

But it's an AWESOME Batman movie.

Go see it.

Just know that when you THINK it's just about over, there's more to come.

I'm curious what my Brother-in-Law, Derek thinks...and I'm hoping he throws his own review in here as well.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



I took 1/2 splat off for length.

That sounds dirty.

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Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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This Just In: HULK SMASH!! Liv Tyler Still Unattractive

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where getting a rave review from me is as earth-shattering as getting a knob-job from Rosie O'Donnell.

So...yeah...not so much.

Today’s review:

The Incredible Hulk


I took my four-year-old son to see this on Sunday.

Unfortunately, so did Ping Wing Wong and his four kids.

As such, I’m even more convinced today that ASIANS CAN’T WHISPER.

The entire movie was all this:

Actor: “Oh. My. GOD!!! It’s coming right…”

Asian kid across aisle: “Ding Waaaaaaaah kwang ding dwong kong!! KaPling!!”

Seriously, kid.

SHUT THE F*CK UP or I'm taking away your koi pond.


Anyway…about the movie (which was fairly incoherent due to said small Asian boy who didn’t know how to whisper).

I liked it. So did my son.

It’s not nearly as awesome as the awesome awesomeness of Iron Man (which was awesome).

But it was good.

Two things I noticed:

1) What is the friggin’ fascination with Liv Tyler?!

There was a scene which, I assume, was supposed to be all sexy and shit with Liv Tyler coming out into the rain all wet and stuff.

All I could think of would be the massive tooth-dragging Hell that would result in an overbite-induced BJ from her.

I’d still take it…but I might not enjoy it.


2) Was Ed Harris the model for the monster, “The Abomination?”

Here…take a look:


Whaddy think? Separated at birth?

If anything, this should encourage Ed Harris to work out more. He now knows what he’d look like totally jacked.

The synopsis:

Ed Norton:
Not sure if they MADE him get into the worst shape of his life for this or not.

But – two words for Ed in this:

Man Boobs.

Seriously, dude. Go get a Manzier.


Tim Roth (Abomination):
Dude…really. Did you and Ed go to the same anti-gym for this movie?

My four year old son has bigger arms than you.

Hulk:
Looks great in certain light…cartoonish in others.

However, when you realize that you’re watching “The Hulk” – you kinda expect this.

At the end, he speaks.

This resulted in both me and my son running around the house yelling:

“HULK SMASH!!!”

This really annoyed my wife when she could hear me yelling this from the bathroom when I was trying to drop a deuce.


My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats



Honestly...I was tempted to go for THREE Splats.

But the "Liv Tyler Teeth Thing" keeps dragging me back.

Ugh.

I said "dragging."

Moog out.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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Hard as Iron

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I go see a movie...

...then wait three f*cking weeks to tell you what I thought of it.

Just in time for the DVD Release.

Timely.


Hey...dipshit...

...if you're looking for Ebert & Roper...you're in the wrong place.

The gay bar is down the street on the right.

Anyway...

Let's get started.

Today..I'm reviewing:

IRON MAN

Hold on...just got a boner.

(...3 seconds later...)

OK...all set.

Now..

I took my four year old son to see Iron Man.

I hadn't been this excited to see a movie since "Where the Boys Aren't, Part 2" came out.

Ironically...that movie ALSO had a lot of mechanical parts in it.


I actually liked Iron Man so much that I went to see it TWICE.

TWICE.

The last time I went to see a movie twice at the theater was "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back."

It was 1980.

I was 11.


My friend and I left the theater, then turned around...

...and WENT RIGHT BACK IN to see it again.

Did I say I was 11?

Couple the fact that my mother had no idea where I was for two hours when I was supposed to be home...

...along with the oh-so-safe city I lived in (Lawrence, Massachusetts)...


...and you end up with a boy who was subjected to a fairly severe beating when he got home.

Thanks, dad.

PRICK.


As such - you can see my trepidation in seeing a movie at the theater TWICE.

Regardless...comfortable in the feeling that neither my son (viewing #1) nor my brother-in-law (viewing #2) would kick my ass...I went.

I would have to say that the second viewing was even better than the first.

Robert Downey Jr.:
AWESOME.

The only problem I had were the scenes where he was either beat up or near dying...

...and all I could think of was that this was how he looks when he's squatting in crack houses shooting up with transvestites.

(a quick "shout out" here to my mom)



Gwyneth Paltrow:
For the first time EVER I thought: "Man...I'd hit that."

Although not has hot as the chicks in "Where the Boys Aren't, Part 2," she still looked totally do-able.

Special Effects:
Did I already say that I had a boner?

(by the way...awkward walking out of the theater with wood when accompanied by either your son or brother-in-law...just sayin')

If you haven't seen it, go see it.

Ladies, if you have no desire to see it, let your husband/boyfriend/butch-dyke lover use your admission money and go TWICE.

Just don't kick their ass when they get home.

Moog's Movie Score:

Four Mooge Splats
(out of a possible four splats)



Next up: Indiana Jo..Jo.oh...Joohh..oohhh...

Dammit.

There I go with the boner again.

Be right back.
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To see my other movie reviews, you can click here.

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