"Terminator: Salvation" - Don't Bale if You Like the Series

Today I'm reviewing:

Terminator: Salvation


We're gonna keep this one really short today for two reasons:

1) I'm working

2) I have to poop

I guess I could have combined those two since I really put a lot of effort into my shits.

Whatever.


I got a chance to break away this weekend and see Terminator: Salvation.

I was pretty bummed out after seeing rottentomatoes.com reviews of it...which pretty much said it sucked more ass than Ellen Degeneres trying to save Portia De Rossi from a runaway anal hamster.

Wow.

I'll be dreaming of that shit tonight.

Hooray for me!


Regardless, I went to see it anyway because I had a free pass to the movies.

Hint: If you complain about ANYTHING at the movies, they give you free passes.

Noisy fat assfuck with his hat on fucking sideways in the front row?

Free pass.

No sound for 3.4 seconds of the previews?

Free pass.

Popcorn too salty?

Listen...I know I was the one putting the salt on the popcorn but, seriously, you don't have ANY warning labels about the speed of the pour on the shakers.

Free pass.

You're welcome.

I've digressed.

Here is my synopsis in a nutshell:

If you are a fan of the Terminator series (and I am one of them), you will like this movie.

There are tie-ins to every single other movie - some subtle, some not so subtle, and some you go HOLY FUCKSHIT that was cool!

Guy yelling "Holy Fuckshit that was cool!" in the movie?

Free pass.

Doesn't matter that it was me.

Regardless, since Christian Bale actually stars in about 5 minutes of the fucking movie, don't ignore it just because you can't fucking stand him.

He's almost a non-character.

HOWEVER...

If you know very little or nothing about the Terminator series, this is NOT the place to learn.

You'll be lost and it will just look like a movie with lots of robots and fighting and shit.

Which is still fucking cool but since you didn't see the other Terminators you fucking loser you're gonna be lost.

Then you can complain that the movie was confusing.

Free pass.

I have to give this one two scores:

My Score for Fans of the Terminator series:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


My Score for newbies (i.e., losers - seriously...Terminator? What the fuck is wrong with you not knowing fucking TERMINATOR?!):

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Don't like my two scores?

Free pass.

Seriously. Try this shit.

You're welcome again.

Moog out.

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"Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian" - Amy Adams in Tight Pants!!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian


Ugh.

Let's cut to the chase on this one, shall we?

Is the movie good?

No.

No it's not.

Is the movie funny?

The movie has, maybe, two funny parts in it.

Both of which involve a squirrel.

Ironically, my favorite porn movie also has a squirrel in it.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Is it funnier than the first movie?

Fuck no.

If you didn't think the first movie was even a little good/funny...you will friggin' hate the shit out of this one.

Yes. You will hate the shit out of it.

I'm coining that phrase.


Will the kids like it?

My son, who turns 6 in July, was bored out of his mind until the last 20 minutes of the movie when the actual "Battle of the Smithsonian" takes place.

Come to think of it, so was I.

So, no.

Unless your kids enjoy being bored for an hour and a half, they probably won't like it.

They will SAY they like it after it's over because, well, kids are stupid.

Is there ANYTHING to like in the movie?

Actually, yes.

There are three things that I found enjoyable:

1) Amy Adams wears tight pants

Amy Adams plays Amelia Earhart in this movie.

Throughout the movie, she wears skin-tight pants.

This is a good thing.


2) Bill Hader is in it

If you've seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' ...

(and if you HAVEN'T seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' then seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!)

...or Superbad, then you know who Bill Hader is.

(see my latest review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall here)

He's awesome.

Here, he plays General Custer, and has some decent dialog - especially when he's trying to say Sacajawea's name.

3) It ends

Thankfully, this movie ends and you get to leave the theater.

My Score

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me...

I have to Google some pictures of Amelia Earhart to see what SHE'D look like in tight pants.

* 2 minutes later

Not good.

Not good at all.

Moog out.

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"Quantum of Solace" - Um...Wha..?

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Quantum of Solace


Listen, I'm not a huge James Bond fan.

I'm also not gay.

However, I've seen both Daniel Craig versions and I have to say this:

Sometimes, I look into his dreamy blue eyes and chiseled body and want to be a Bond Girl.

I wish that last sentence never left my fingertips.

Did I mention I'm not gay?


I also mentioned I'm not a James Bond fan.

However, I kinda liked 'Casino Royale,' even though my knowledge of poker extends to these two things:

1) You use cards
2) You must use only your feet unless you're the goalie

One of those may be wrong.


So, with me kinda liking 'Casino Royale,' I decided to rent 'Quantum of Solace.'

How was it?

Three minutes into the movie and I was completely fucking lost.

You know, I should have figured this shit would be over my head when the name of the movie sounds like the title of Stephen Hawking's thesis.


However, there was enough jumping and chasing and shit for me to keep going:

"Oooh. Cool jumping."

...and...

"Oooh. Cool chasing and shit."

There was some plot that involved some weird looking bad guy, and Bond trying to get revenge for the death of the chick I forgot who died in Casino Royale, and something about water in the desert and...

..hold on...

...more jumping.

Cool.

Okay. I'm back.

As far as the 'Bond Girl' in this one?

OH. MY. GOD.

Here she is:


Whoops.

Wrong picture.

Here she is:


Holy fuckshit, Batman.

Now I KNOW I'm not gay.

Mostly.

Regardless...between all the jumping and chasing and hot chicks and incoherent plot and fucking stupid title...

I give it my score.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


You can raise that to 2-1/2 Splats if you value action over being able to understand what the fuck is going on.

Now, excuse me...

I'm working on my own thesis.

It includes that Bond Girl and a lot of lube.

I'm totally winning an award for this.

Moog out.

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88 Minutes - The Three-Line Review!

Today I'm reviewing a movie I watched while killing time at home with my newly broken hand waiting for the Percocets to kick in:

88 Minutes

Synopsis:

In "88 Minutes," Al Pacino plays Dr. Jack Gramm, a forensic psychiatrist who sends a serial killer to prison.

9 years later, on the eve of the man's execution, a series of copy-cat murders begin and it appears that the man will be set free.

To complicate this, Dr. Gramm's friends and coworkers begin to join the body count - and he receives a mysterious phone call saying that he, too, will be one of the victims.

In 88 minutes.

He's being framed...but by who? Did he put the wrong person in prison? Will he find all this out before he dies in 88 minutes?!?!

(queue porn music)

Woops. Wrong soundtrack.

(queue suspense music)


My review:

88 Minutes?

Yes. 88 minutes of my life right down the fucking shitter.

Don't see it - I had a better time breaking my fucking hand.

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible 4)


Here.

You want to solve a mystery? Solve this one:

Leelee Sobieski is in this movie.

Is it just me...

...or does Leelee Sobieski look like what Helen Hunt would have looked like if Helen Hunt got the attractiveness gene instead if the "what the fuck is wrong with your eyes to make you somewhat ugly" gene?


Discuss.

Moog out.

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Wanted - OMG OMG OMG It's Angelina's BUM! HOORAY!

Today I'm reviewing another movie from my Netflix list:

Wanted


Good. Movie.

I had heard good things about this movie when it came out, but never got around to seeing it in the theaters.

This is probably because my kids made me see some type of animated shit instead.

Fuck you, Dreamworks. I'm so through with you.

You know...after 'Monsters vs. Aliens' and 'Up' and...

DAMMIT!


Back to 'Wanted.'

The basic plot is some Shia LaBeouf knockoff (James McAvoy) finds out that the father that abandoned him when he was a week old was in actuality a top assassin in a group known as 'The Fraternity.'

His father was also killed a week ago, and now the person who killed his father is now after him.

The Fraternity realizes that he has the same talents his father did and, in an effort to save him, recruits him into the club, trains him, and tasks him with the job of killing this man.

Angelina Jolie plays another assassin, who trains this kid.

(THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, casting director)


There's lots of action, a decent plot, and a really good twist - but I'm not giving it away.

(I only divulge such secrets for sex. Inquire within.)

I was very happy with this movie for a couple of reasons:

1) I got to see an extended shot of Angelina Jolie's bum crack

Have I said 'thank you' yet to the casting director?

Jesus H. Christ.

I need to send that person flowers or some shit.

Fucking genius.


2) It's like 'Bourne Identity' meets 'The Matrix'

Lots of action and car chases and shit.

Plus...you know...

With the added bonus of Angelina Jolie's ass.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four):


Now I have to send this movie back to Netflix.

I've had this thing on 'pause' for so long I'm getting TV Screen burn-in of Angelina's bum.

AWESOME.

Moog out.

********************

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Taken - They Took the Chick from LOST!!

Today I'm reviewing the film:

Taken


Taken stars Liam Neeson as the divorced father of a 17-year old girl named Kim who lives with her very rich stepfather and her bitchy mother, played by Famke Janssen.

I only recognized Famke Janssen from the FX series, Nip/Tuck...

...where she played a woman who used to be a guy.

Take a look:


Wow.

She looks good in that picture.

I may begin shopping for transvestites hookers instead just the crack addicted ones.

I've digressed.

Synopsis:

The story line progresses as we realize that Liam Neeson's character, Bryan Mills, is retired from military life where he used to be part of an elite special forces team.

A taste of his skills are briefly scene during an attach on a popular singer that he and his group of ex-military buddies are hired to provided security for.



The movie takes a turn when Kim and her friend are abducted from their apartment while vacationing in Paris.

Kim is on the phone with Bryan at the time, who uses these short moments to instruct his daughter and gather as much information as he can about the attackers as possible.

It's this information, and the ability of his ex-military friends, that he uses to hunt down the men in an effort to rescue his daughter.

Here's what I was thinking through most of the movie:

"Who the Hell is the daughter? She looks so familiar...it's driving me nuts."


It finally hit me at 3:00 a.m. on Sunday morning when I got up to pee for the third time.

I'm 40.

This is what I do now.

She was the chick from "Lost" who played "Shannon" - Boone's sister! Except on Lost she had blonde hair.

Why am I the only one excited?


The movie becomes a guy-kicking-ass-while-doing-cool-martial-arts-moves movie...

...kind of like a cross between the "Bourne" movies and "Death Wish."
If you like those kind of movies, then this one will NOT disappoint you.

Liam Neeson surprisingly sells the fact that he can pull of all of the stuff he's doing...

...and eventually comes across as total bad ass.

In the end, I had to say that it was a good movie - for that TYPE of movie.

You won't get a ton of Oscar-worthy sequences...

...but you WILL get a decent action movie and a guy, in Neeson, who totally sells the fact that he WILL KILL YOU if he says he will.

My Score (based on this genre of movie):

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



Remember, he's a dad going after his daughter.

Thank God she's still not on that island...he'd NEVER find her.

Well...maybe he would.

He's badass.

Moog out.

********************

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Gran Torino - (I Learned 60 New Racial Slurs!!)

Today, I'm reviewing the movie:

Gran Torino


Gran Torino stars Clint Eastwood in what is, most likely, his last acting role.

I love Clint Eastwood.

My wife, does not.

Hence, I went to see this alone.

Me: "Honey, why don't you like Clint Eastwood?"

Wife: "I don't like his voice. I can't listen to him. I think the last thing I saw him in was the movie with the monkey."

Ah.

Every Which Way But Loose.

What better measure of a man's distinguished acting career?

Gee...I can't think of one!


Whatever - I went alone.

Now I can masturbate in the popcorn!

Perhaps I've said too much.

In "Gran Torino," Clint Eastwood plays a racist old war veteran who has just buried his wife and now lives alone in a neighborhood that's being taken over by minorities and rival street gangs.

His family is full of ungrateful kids and grandkids who want nothing to do with him other than his money and his prize possession - his 1972 Ford Gran Torino.

When a family of Asians moves next door, Clint goes into full Archie Bunker mode until one of the gangs tries recruiting the son of his neighbor.

Seriously, he pulls out so many epithets that I found it really hard to keep up and write them all down in my notebook to use here at work.

I mean..um...nevermind.


When Clint reluctantly comes to the aid of this boy, things start getting good - and Clint goes into renegade mode. You may find it tough to believe that a person Eastwood's age can pull off the tough-guy routine - but he pulls it off completely.

You do not want to fuck with this guy.

The story evolves into a change of character for Clint, as he befriends the family and neighborhood...and attempts to turn the boy's life around.

I had heard great things about this movie, and was really pumped to see it.

In the end, though, I was like:

"Eh."

It was good.

It was not great.

Clint has some excellent dialogue...and his character is very believable.



The problem is with the supporting cast.

Aside from one guy (the barber), I don't think they could have picked a worse bunch of actors for Clint to work with.

This, for me, took away from the whole movie - as all the dialogue that was NOT Clint's seemed forced.

All the lines from these people seemed...fake...shallow.

Like the vagina on a guy who just got a sex change.

Don't ask me how I know this.

I'd wait for the DVD if I was you - but when it does come out, give it a shot.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse me...

I've got to go rent that movie with the monkey in it, and see what my wife is bitching about.

*********************

Haven't had enough?

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Valkyrie - The One-Eyed Monster is Good

Today, I have a review of the movie:

Valkyrie


That's right.

I finally got out of the fucking house and got to go see a movie.

THREE, in fact.

Reviews of all are upcoming.

Hey...don't pretend your nipples aren't hard. I know they are.

Oh yeah..movie review...

(sometimes, I just go off on a tangent. I go off. Get off. I get off...FUCK.. there I go again)

Valkyrie is a story about a German assassination attempt against Adolph Hitler, pulled off by officers in his own army.

I wanted to see this for a few reasons:

1) I had never heard the story before

2) I needed to get out of the fucking house after spending a week home on vacation with my kids JESUS H. CHRIST CAN I HAVE TWO MINUTES PEACE?!?!? JUST TWO?!?!?

3) You don't get to see pirates anymore, and Tom Cruise with an eyepatch looks like a pirate if you can block out the Nazi uniform.

So, off I went by myself.

The story is a good one, but has the following drawback:

You already know how it ends.

It's not like you're sitting there going:

"C'mon...c'mon...this is gonna work..."

So, you know, they fail.

By the way, if this was a spoiler for you, you're a fucking idiot.

Speaking of idiots, I found myself doing this at one point in the movie:

Scene: Tom Cruise's character is introduced to Hitler.

Officer (to Hitler): "My Fuehrer, this is Colonel von Stauffenberg."

Hitler looks up with a scowl...

...glances over...

...says nothing, and returns to what he was doing.

And I thought:

Me: "Wow. That was rude."

Um...Rod?

Hitler!

Duh.


So, that's the plot and the movie...with an ending you already know.

But, the ride, and how everything gets put into place and ultimately unravels, is worth the watch.

There's not a whole lot of actual acting or dialogue, which is good, because the one broad in the theater...

(seriously...WW2 movies are complete sausage-fests)

...happened to be sitting three seats away from me and was busy crinkling her fucking candy bag or whatever the Hell she was eating for the majority of the movie OH MY GOD WILL YOU JUST OPEN THE FUCKING THING?!? JUST OPEN IT!!!

Sorry.

I hate people.

So did Hitler.

I wish this would have worked.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Go see it.

But, if you go, OPEN YOUR CANDY FIRST.

It just may save your life.

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

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Hancock - HA! I Wrote 'cock!'

Today, I'm reviewing another item off my Netflix list:

Hancock


I really thought I was going to hate this movie.

Will Smith plays "John Hancock" - not to be confused with "John Handcock" - which, according to the Urban Dictionary is:

a) A man who frequents prostitutes (John), but materbates on, or is masterbated by (handcock) the prostitute, rather than having sex with her, as a means of avoiding STDs.

..or...

b) The act of male masturbation whilst seated on a toilet.

Hey...movie reviews and information about guys who whack off on the toilet.

Where else do you get this shit?

One stop shopping!

But I've digressed.


I really thought this was going to be a movie I didn't like.

However, just like my viewing of "I Am Legend," I expected the worst but was pleasantly surprised after watching it.

As far as the plot:

John Hancock is a superhero hated by the public.

This is because, primarily, he's a complete and utter asshole.

He drinks.

He destroys property.

He hates people and has total disregard for others.

Actually, John Hancock the superhero is much like most New York Yankees fans.

GO SOX!


His one saving grace is the appearance of Jason Bateman and his wife played by Charlize Theron.


Awesome to see these two (Jason and Charlize) again - they last played boyfriend/girlfriend on "Arrested Development" - one of the absolute greatest shows on the face of the planet that nobody f*cking watched.

THANKS FOR GETTING THIS CANCELED, ASSHOLES!

I have yet to see anything Jason Bateman is in where he isn't simply balls-out awesome (see: Juno).

Regardless...the opening 'flying' sequence was really, really cheesy.

The special effects were SO bad, in fact, that it brought back memories of "The Greatest American Hero."

Believe it or not.

See what I did there?

No? How old ARE you?

On that note:

Robert Culp..WHERE ARE YOU?


There's a twist in the movie that I won't tell you about.

However, now that you KNOW there's a twist, you'll be able to spot it about 10 minutes in.

It doesn't ruin the movie, but it would have been better had they held out a bit and not given so much of it away.

Regardless, the Bateman/Theron reunion grants this an extra 1/2 star on top of what I would have given it.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me.

I have some more pictures I need to research of Charlize Theron.

Just call me "John Handcock."

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

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Go, Speed Racer...Go Have a Seizure

Today I’m reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

Speed Racer


I heard a LOT of nasty things about this movie…which stopped me from bringing my son to it when it was out at the theater.

In retrospect, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre – the Beginning” probably wasn’t a very smart substitute.

On a bright note, his nighttime screaming has recently stopped.


Regardless, when Speed Racer came out on DVD, I figured I’d give it a shot and hope for the best.

I have to tell you, I was surprised.

It was better than I thought it would be.

My conundrum about this movie, though, is this:

Who were they aiming this movie at?

Kids?

Um…I’m not so sure this is a kids movie as the plot includes:

1) Corporate takeover plots

Nothing says “kid friendly” like trying to describe to a 5 year old the art of the hostile takeover.


2) Flashbacks every 30 seconds for the first 30 minutes of the movie

Ah…more kid friendliness.

The first half-hour of the movie was spent with me saying this to my kids:

Me: “Ok…now…this is him as a kid and he’s remembering his bro..oh…now we’re back and he’s racing…and that’s his brother’s car in front of him and…um…okay…he’s a kid again…”

That was fun.


3) Violence

This includes a number of scenes involving mafia violence (yes…mafia) that includes, but is not limited to:

a) Racers being blown up
b) A machine gun fight
c) A racer being beaten
d) A man’s finger being chewed off by piranha

Good night, kids!

Sweet dreams!

4) The movie is TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG

Typical kids’ attention span of a non-animated movie not starring robots/talking animals/talking robots/robot animals: 80 minutes.

This was a tough sell.


Were they aiming this at adults?

Again…not so sure.

The animation is purposefully cheesy…and although there was an attempt to make certain things look realistic, you had NO doubt at any point in the movie that you were watching a live-action cartoon.

However, the fact that Christina Ricci looked pretty good in this (I usually think she looks like a fish-eyed crack whore) along with several upskirt scenes in “f*ck me” boots kind of cements this for me.


Overall, though…

I LIKED IT.

I liked it enough to say, “worth a rental” if you enjoy live-action cartoons and realize that what you’re watching is in NO TERMS a serious take on the cartoon (which I never watched, by the way).

On a large TV with surround sound, it looked and sounded good.

I can completely understand the complaints of people who saw it in the theater, though, regarding the colors in the movie.

EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) is neon.

How people didn’t die in theaters watching this from seizures, I have no idea.


On a smaller screen, though, it’s completely mesmerizing.

I enjoyed it enough to actually watch it twice with my son.

You know…after he bailed in the first hour.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…excuse me.

I have to go find some stills of Christina Ricchi in that outfit.



I’m bringing her some crack to try to get my foot in the door.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

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