Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Monday, June 30, 2008

Rambo No Good - Me No Like


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please.

You're embarrassing yourselves.

Today's review is off my Netflix List:

Rambo

Alternate title suggestion:

"Crappity crap crap crap"

Rambo.

One more title suggestion:

"What the HELL Happened to Stallone’s FACE?!?"

It's like he's stuffed with marshmallows.


I was disappointed in this.

Mainly because “First Blood” is one of the BEST MOVIES EVER

…and, Hell…who doesn’t like to see people shot up and shit?

A little history here.

When I went to see the awful-ending-but-great-bad-guy-movie “No Country for Old Men,” I almost instead went to see “Rambo” which was also playing at the time.

But I didn’t.

Faced with one of the worst endings of any movie in history (cough..”No Country”…cough..), I’d always since second-guessed myself that maybe…

...just maybe…

...I should have seen Rambo instead.

I’m glad I didn’t.


Here’s an example of some of the breathtaking dialog from the movie:

Sarah: The man you were talking to...
John J. Rambo: I wasn't talking to anybody.
Sarah: Alright. The man who was talking to you asked if we could hire you to take us up river. You said no. Why?
John J. Rambo: Can't help you out.
Sarah: Well, if you have good reasons, would you mind if I heard them?
John J. Rambo: Go home.

Oooooooh.

LOOK OUT, Shakespeare!!


Stallone wrote this and – apparently – decided he didn’t want to speak any dialogue that contained more than two syllables at a time:

John Rambo: Why'd you come back?
Sarah: Waiting for you.
John Rambo: I told you before, I can't help you.
Sarah: Well we need to go and help these people, we're here to make a difference, we believe all lives are special.
John Rambo: Some lives, some not.
Sarah: Really? If everyone thought like you, nothing would ever change.
John Rambo: Nothing does change.

Kill me.

Let’s tally the score from this last exchange:

Sally: 3 lines spoken, 34 words, 45 syllables.
Rambo: 4 lines spoken, 19 words, 21 syllables.

Ugh.


BUT, if you rented Rambo looking for poetic reflections on society and the human spirit…well…then…

…you’ve pretty much missed the point of Rambo.

When Rambo FINALLY gets to be Rambo, things started picking up a little bit.

I was REALLY disappointed that he was more “running around and shooting stuff” in this versus being all stealthy and crafty and sneaky and shit like he was in the kickass first one.

But, hey…Rambo is Rambo so you take what you can get.


There’s a TON more gore in this than any of the others, and it felt like “300” meets “Commando” at some points.

It’s saving grace is that it’s only an hour and a half long.

At one syllable a minute, that’s pretty much all I could take.

Normally...I do character scores here...

...but since there was no character development and I can't for the life of me remember anyone in the film except Stallone, I'm skipping it.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



Moog out.

Violently out.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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2 comments:

AngryMan said...

I AM THE LAW!!!

GeologyJoe said...

It must the the HGH.