My Big Pee-Wee Adventure

When did endings in movies become optional?

Rhetorical question.

Today, in "Moog's Movie Reviews," I'll be reviewing the movie "No Country for Old Men."

I wrongly assumed that this was a secondary title for the movie, "Cocoon, Part 3."

As in...

"Cocoon 3 - No Country for Old Men"

But nooooooooooooo...

(Spoiler Alert!):

Not a single f*cking UFO, magic swimming pool, OR Wilford Brimley.

What a f*cking rip-off.


Anyway...

This was the FIRST movie that I've ever seen alone.

My wife gave me permission on Sunday before the f*ckshow Superbowl (FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, HOW COULD WE LOSE TO ELI F*CKING MANNING?!?!?!) to go see a movie that she had no interest in seeing.


Anyway...

I had no idea what to expect from the experience of going to a theater alone.

However, I WILL offer this:

Going to the movies alone is like living with someone for the first time:

EVERYTHING AROUND YOU BOTHERS YOU.

The people next to me are whispering during the movie.

The guy in front of me WON'T STOP CRINKLING HIS BAG OF POPCORN.

The person behind me is chewing with his mouth open.

Mother. Of. God.

I should have waited for the video.


When I was telling this story during the Superbowl, my father-in-law simply said:

"You know, Pee-Wee Herman used to go the movies by himself, too."

Yeah, dad.

Thanks.

I went to a porno and whacked off this afternoon.

More chicken wings?

Now...

...about the movie:

I'd heard awesome things about this movie, and was pretty excited to go.

I'll sum up the movie here:

1) Best villain/bad guy of any movie I've ever seen, EVER.

This includes, but is not limited to, the bad guys in "Saw," "Terminator," "Terms of Endearment," and "Jaws."

Yeah..this guy was more bad-ass than a shark!

If this movie is worth going to see for any reason, it's the bad guy.


2) There's a lot of talking.

Although the story is really good, there's a lot of talking.

Most of this talking comes from Tommy Lee Jones.

Tommy Lee Jones puts me to sleep when he talks...

...unless he's talking to Harrison Ford in "The Fugitive."


Unfortunately, because he talks so goddamn much, I completely phased him out at about the two-hour mark...

...which led to...

3) Where's the ending of this movie?!

This is the second movie I've seen in a row where there's NO ENDING.

Cloverfield?

No f*cking ending.

..but there was a monster.

No Country for Old Men?

Also no f*cking ending.

No goddamn monster, either.


I take that back, there MIGHT be an ending.

...but I have no idea...

Here's how it went:

Tommy Lee Jones: "blah..blah..southern drawl..blah blah..dreams..blah blah..dad..blah.."

So, I'm sitting there kind of listening to him half-heartedly...

...because I'm trying to figure out at this point how this thing is going to end.

It went like this:

Me: "How the Hell is this movie going to end? Christ...he just keeps talking....Let's see...he's talking about dreams...The guy in front of me is still crinkling his goddamn bag of popcorn...Okay, the movie...let's see....he's still talking....and they pretty much wrapped up all of the...what? WHAT?!? CREDITS?!?!?"

Yeah.

Credits.

He's sitting there rattling away about God knows what...

...I go off into a trance thinking about what's coming next...

..and "what comes next" turns out to be THE F*CKING CREDITS.

Lights come on.

Movie done.

WTF?!

I was immediately disappointed and thought, "I should have seen Rambo."


I called my brother-in-law after the movie (we have similar tastes and senses of humor) to see what he thought.

He liked it A LOT.

His argument: What defines a good ending? Sometimes, things just have to be left open.

Fine. Maybe I agree with you.

I'll take back my "Rambo" thought.

But when "Veggie Tales" can wrap up their sh*t, why can't the Coen brothers?!?

From now on, I'm sticking to movies that have a cast comprised of supermarket items.

My score: 3 out of 5 Mooge splats.