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Friday, September 12, 2008

Bangkok Dangerous ( said 'Bangkok')

Hey kids!!

Well - another one of our readers has sent me his very own guest review.

(If you have a movie you want to review, just send it to me. I have the instructions at the end of the review)

This one comes from Chris Wood over at "Chris Wood's Blog" (wow...very original title there, Chris).

Chris is reviewing:

Bangkok Dangerous

I don't know about you, but everytime I Bangkok, I consider it dangerous as well.

Stupid bruising.

Here's the review! Enjoy!


Hello Moog

I saw the shit festival reviewed below this week, so I thought that I should get something for my time. Hope this can be used on your site.



(editor's note: I actually thought he went to a real 'Shit Festival' until I realized that this was a movie review)


Bangkok Dangerous

I’d like to start this review by saying that I used to really like Nicholas Cage.

Very few people could carry off the Elvis obsessed cool guy psycho he played in Wild At Heart, David Lynch’s colourfully eccentric mindfuck.

The Rock and Con Air had plenty to entertain in them, and Face / Off was cram full of feelgood violence.

Fair nuff, I thought.

This man knows a thing or two about entertainment, even if he does have a gurn threshold that would make Jim Carrey wince.

Recently, though, he’s been in plenty of lame turds.

Next was so bad that only Jessica Biel’s boner-inducing performance as Jessica Biel could redeem it to the point where the audience wasn’t envying the blind.

Ghost Rider was so far up its own arse I had no idea a motorbike could fit that far. I punched myself out during The Weather Man, so luckily I didn’t have to see it.

Worst, he took a shit on one of the best horror movies ever, The Wicker Man, in a remake that, on its own, is a good argument for abortion.

So this remake of a 1999 movie, Bangkok Dangerous, didn’t invite a great deal of expectation. But I was bored and I like the simple pleasure of watching people get shot, so I thought I’d try it.

These days, Mr Cage is often ponderous. And. Morose.

He thinks a lot about how shitty his hair looks, and it depresses him.

This shows.

He drawls too, because only crap actors speak clearly.

What’s worse, he doesn’t have any fun! Cage of old would stick cockroaches up his arse and fuck a hamster to death if the film got boring. He’d have his manic peepers set to full gibber while he assaulted the senses with his taste in clothes, often whacking an old lady on the head with his balls just to make sure we were entertained.

In this yawnsome wet fart of a movie he meanders around Bangkok being an asshole, occasionally murdering people in between ponderous bouts of narration that explain how hitmen never form attachments, allow accomplices to live, leave their driving licences at the scene of the crime etc.

He then breaks all these rules for no apparent reason.

He gets a trainee who thinks he’s a dick (this guy is the only sympathetic character), also he falls for a deaf assistant at a chemist, because he’s really logical and their lack of communication suits his current acting style.

We then get an attempt to rip off The Killer with its oddball romance, honour and so forth. A few people get killed. He is an asshole some more and his assistant gets tortured in a really crap way by some guy who basically stands there sneering at his dress sense.

There is some rather dull killing and more action movie cliches get ripped off and lamed down. The deaf woman gurns emotionally. The assistant / trainee has a slow mo “noooo” bit and the Cagester shits on his reputation some more.

Avoid this turd. If you’re bored, this won't help.

Chris Wood's Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).

Thanks, Chris!!!

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meleah rebeccah said...

Yeah. I dont know what happened to Nicola Cage lately. Since Face Off its been one big let down after another. obviously I will not be seeing this movie.

C.Rag said...

Lord of War is the only recent Cage movie that I've liked.

He was so good in Raising Arizona & Bringing Out the Dead.
Too bad his movie choices suck like goat fucking.