Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Monday, June 30, 2008

Rambo No Good - Me No Like


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please.

You're embarrassing yourselves.

Today's review is off my Netflix List:

Rambo

Alternate title suggestion:

"Crappity crap crap crap"

Rambo.

One more title suggestion:

"What the HELL Happened to Stallone’s FACE?!?"

It's like he's stuffed with marshmallows.


I was disappointed in this.

Mainly because “First Blood” is one of the BEST MOVIES EVER

…and, Hell…who doesn’t like to see people shot up and shit?

A little history here.

When I went to see the awful-ending-but-great-bad-guy-movie “No Country for Old Men,” I almost instead went to see “Rambo” which was also playing at the time.

But I didn’t.

Faced with one of the worst endings of any movie in history (cough..”No Country”…cough..), I’d always since second-guessed myself that maybe…

...just maybe…

...I should have seen Rambo instead.

I’m glad I didn’t.


Here’s an example of some of the breathtaking dialog from the movie:

Sarah: The man you were talking to...
John J. Rambo: I wasn't talking to anybody.
Sarah: Alright. The man who was talking to you asked if we could hire you to take us up river. You said no. Why?
John J. Rambo: Can't help you out.
Sarah: Well, if you have good reasons, would you mind if I heard them?
John J. Rambo: Go home.

Oooooooh.

LOOK OUT, Shakespeare!!


Stallone wrote this and – apparently – decided he didn’t want to speak any dialogue that contained more than two syllables at a time:

John Rambo: Why'd you come back?
Sarah: Waiting for you.
John Rambo: I told you before, I can't help you.
Sarah: Well we need to go and help these people, we're here to make a difference, we believe all lives are special.
John Rambo: Some lives, some not.
Sarah: Really? If everyone thought like you, nothing would ever change.
John Rambo: Nothing does change.

Kill me.

Let’s tally the score from this last exchange:

Sally: 3 lines spoken, 34 words, 45 syllables.
Rambo: 4 lines spoken, 19 words, 21 syllables.

Ugh.


BUT, if you rented Rambo looking for poetic reflections on society and the human spirit…well…then…

…you’ve pretty much missed the point of Rambo.

When Rambo FINALLY gets to be Rambo, things started picking up a little bit.

I was REALLY disappointed that he was more “running around and shooting stuff” in this versus being all stealthy and crafty and sneaky and shit like he was in the kickass first one.

But, hey…Rambo is Rambo so you take what you can get.


There’s a TON more gore in this than any of the others, and it felt like “300” meets “Commando” at some points.

It’s saving grace is that it’s only an hour and a half long.

At one syllable a minute, that’s pretty much all I could take.

Normally...I do character scores here...

...but since there was no character development and I can't for the life of me remember anyone in the film except Stallone, I'm skipping it.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



Moog out.

Violently out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Thursday, June 26, 2008

"Gangster" Rap


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

When you're watching a movie with me, just remember...

...that sticky stuff around your feet may NOT be the butter from the popcorn.

Tread carefully.

Today's review is off my Netflix List:

"American Gangster"

I needed to watch this because it had been sitting in my house for three weeks, stopping disk 4 of “Rescue Me” from showing up.

Come on...Denis Leary...firefighters...

...wanton nookie involving Gina Gershon without the mention of Bill Clinton...

YOU CAN'T LOSE.


But I digress…

I was hesitant to watch this movie – even though Derek had given it his blessing – for a couple of reasons:

1) It was 2 hours and 40 minutes long
2) My wife wanted to watch it


With those two combined, it was tough to try to find a time where I thought my wife would be able to stay awake for an almost three hour long movie that she wanted to see.

Normally, watching a movie with her is similar to this:

Me: “You ready?”

Wife: “Yep. Start it.”

(I press “Play”)

Wife: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”


So, this exact same thing happened during American Gangster, and I ended up watching it alone.

It was a VERY good movie (I’m a big fan of Russell Crowe), but long at almost three hours.

Typically, after two hours, I start to lose one interest point for every 5 minutes spent.

Sometimes, I need to use my calculator to decide when I’ve had enough.

But – that didn’t happen here…and it kept me interested enough to keep watching up until the end.


Denzel Washington:

The opening scene sets the tone for his character where he sets a guy on fire and THEN shoots him.

Wife: “Why did he light him on fire if he was just going to shoot him anyway?”

Me: “Maybe he was cold.”

Russell Crowe:

Typically awesome, as usual.

The movie runs these characters in parallel (they never actually see each other until the end), so there are actually two separate story lines running through the movie.

Although the movie is about Denzel’s character, Russell Crowe’s character is more developed and you understand him more.

Maybe we should have asked him about the fire/shooting thing.

My Score:

Three Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)




Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Drive-In, Drive-Out, Drive-in, out, in..out...in...out...harder...faster!!

(A repost from Mental Poo)

*****************************

You could pull the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick pretty easily.

I’m a year away from my 40th birthday. I need to say this because I have to date myself (in age…not like I normally “date myself”) in order to give some history to this story.

I was reading another blogger’s entry on the disappearance of a drive-in theater in his hometown. Very sad, if you’ve ever been to a drive-in…

..but it made me remember something from my teenage years.

Three towns over from where I lived, there was a drive-in theater. The difference here, and I swear this is true, is that it showed porn movies.

I'm not kidding. It was an all-porno drive-in.

How this information came to be known to a 16-year old guy is not important. What IS important, however, is that I knew about it and - more importantly - my girlfriend at the time wanted to go.

The first time I heard about it, my buddies decided to go check it out. So, there we all were – 5 of us – in his Pontiac Grand Prix off to the porno drive-in (I can see my Adsense Ads going to “Public Service Announcements” with every word I type).

I can’t begin to tell how weird it was to (a) pull up to the entrance and pay for 5 guys (no girls) and (b) to be sitting in a car with said 5 guys, all with boners watching the movie. It was rough. We needed dates. Sausage-fest porno is NOT the way to go.

Long story short, we saw what we came to see, and left.

I pitched the idea of going to this place to my girlfriend at the time, who actually agreed to go.

OH JOY.

OH JOY OF ALL THAT IS JOYOUS.

I was so excited, that I told my buddies about it – yes, guys, I’m going to watch porn with a GIRL. I could see the jealousy in their eyes. It was awesome. My girlfriend was DIRTY. Awesome.

So, Saturday night came and my girlfriend and I packed up the car (I had a 1970 Cutlass with a front bench seat (double-bonus…didn’t have to get in the back)) with a blanket for coverage purposes. Off we went to the drive-in.

The movie was in progress by the time we got there. We parked in a spot…set up that stupid little speaker thing…and started watching the movie.


(As a side note: never, EVER, EVER, exit the car to do anything at a drive-in like this. NEVER go to the concession stand (because those guys are watching the movie, too). And NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the men’s room – this is the first time I ever read a “for a good BJ call…”, which I thought was funny…until I realized that I was in the MEN’S room.)

Anyway, we’re watching the movie. It’s at this point, that the door to the car next to us opens.

An old woman gets out. She’s old – like 70 or so. She’s by herself.

We watch her as she walks around to the front of her car…and starts cleaning her windshield with a paper towel and a bottle of Windex.

She needed to see better. That dirty little bitch.

I’m thinking: “ew…”


Anyway, the girlfriend and I start getting busy. This is the greatest night of my life…porn…my car…how could this possibly get ANY better?

It couldn’t. It could only get worse.

…because that’s when my car starts hopping.

My car starts violently hopping up and down. My ass is in the air…my windows are all fogged up…I can’t see crap. My girlfriend is now freaking out, frantically looking around like, “WTF…?

It’s then that my friend’s face pops in my window:

“Hey. Whatcha doing?”

My other three friends are on my rear bumper jumping on it...violently...and now they’re all going, “whoop!...whoop!”

Ugh.

Penis goes down. Game over.

Bastards.

The moral of my story is that if you’ve got a good thing going, don’t rub it in your friends’ faces. They will make you pay.

A year or so later, the place closed permanently. I guess Cinemax and the emergence of Ron Jeremy had something to do with it.

I hope that old lady had cable.

Friday, June 20, 2008

This Just In: HULK SMASH!! Liv Tyler Still Unattractive


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where getting a rave review from me is as earth-shattering as getting a knob-job from Rosie O'Donnell.

So...yeah...not so much.

Today’s review:

The Incredible Hulk


I took my four-year-old son to see this on Sunday.

Unfortunately, so did Ping Wing Wong and his four kids.

As such, I’m even more convinced today that ASIANS CAN’T WHISPER.

The entire movie was all this:

Actor: “Oh. My. GOD!!! It’s coming right…”

Asian kid across aisle: “Ding Waaaaaaaah kwang ding dwong kong!! KaPling!!”

Seriously, kid.

SHUT THE F*CK UP or I'm taking away your koi pond.


Anyway…about the movie (which was fairly incoherent due to said small Asian boy who didn’t know how to whisper).

I liked it. So did my son.

It’s not nearly as awesome as the awesome awesomeness of Iron Man (which was awesome).

But it was good.

Two things I noticed:

1) What is the friggin’ fascination with Liv Tyler?!

There was a scene which, I assume, was supposed to be all sexy and shit with Liv Tyler coming out into the rain all wet and stuff.

All I could think of would be the massive tooth-dragging Hell that would result in an overbite-induced BJ from her.

I’d still take it…but I might not enjoy it.


2) Was Ed Harris the model for the monster, “The Abomination?”

Here…take a look:


Whaddy think? Separated at birth?

If anything, this should encourage Ed Harris to work out more. He now knows what he’d look like totally jacked.

The synopsis:

Ed Norton:
Not sure if they MADE him get into the worst shape of his life for this or not.

But – two words for Ed in this:

Man Boobs.

Seriously, dude. Go get a Manzier.


Tim Roth (Abomination):
Dude…really. Did you and Ed go to the same anti-gym for this movie?

My four year old son has bigger arms than you.

Hulk:
Looks great in certain light…cartoonish in others.

However, when you realize that you’re watching “The Hulk” – you kinda expect this.

At the end, he speaks.

This resulted in both me and my son running around the house yelling:

“HULK SMASH!!!”

This really annoyed my wife when she could hear me yelling this from the bathroom when I was trying to drop a deuce.


My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats




Honestly...I was tempted to go for THREE Splats.

But the "Liv Tyler Teeth Thing" keeps dragging me back.

Ugh.

I said "dragging."

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"The Crappening" (and an Introduction to Derek)


My first Guest Contributor to "Moog's Movie Reviews" is my brother-in-law, Derek.

Derek is officially a movie connoisseur (which, I believe, is Portuguese for "lady in striped shorts"), and we go back and forth A LOT on the movies we've watched.

Derek was one of the guys who keeps trying to convince me that the ending to "No Country for Old Men" is good.

It's not.

He then sent me a 5 PARAGRAPH diatribe from one of HIS friends explaining the ending of "No Country."

Listen...I just paid $10 to see this f*cking movie.

I shouldn't have to read an epilogue to get the gyst of it.

But - he IS my wife's brother and the father of my nephew, Calvin (Hey,Cal..."Fun Uncle Rodney" says "HI!")...

...so I'll cut him some slack.


That said, here's Derek's review of "The Happening," sent to me via email.

******************************

Email Subject: If we don't leave right now, we will all die.


That was some of the scintillating dialogue from the movie I saw this past weekend.

For Father's Day, Tracy gave me several hours of alone time to relax and not have to watch a child or do housework. SO I went to the movies.

I went to see "The Happening."

Other possible names for this movie could have been the obvious:

"What's Happening?"

"Nothing is Happening."

...or the more accurately:

"Why is this Happening to Me?"

(as in: why did I pay $8 to see this piece of garbage?!)

The last one is a longer title but the most fitting.


M. Night Shymalmlamalml is officially a bust.

He is Craig James.

Mark Wahlberg was terrible (although considering the material I can hardly fault him.)

I read a few reviews and a word that kept coming up was "meandering".

That is very fitting.

Derek's Score:
1/2 (half) a Mooge Splat out of a possible 4 (lowest recorded score ever)



Thanks, Derek!!

Sounds like a winner.

Derek will be a regular contributor here, I'm hoping.

Want to be one, too? Then send me an email via the link on the right, or click here.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Friday, June 13, 2008

Phat Panda


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

My tag line:

"Perfecting the Art of Peeing into the Popcorn Hot Butter Machine"


Seriously...it takes practice to get it just right.

Today we're reviewing "Kung Fu Panda."

Now, I get a bit of pushback on my reviews because I do a lot of kid's movies.

(screw you, mom)

However...

It's because I have kids who like movies.

As such, someone needs to sit with them.

I found this out the hard way during the "Finding Nemo Incident," which I'm still trying to have wiped off my criminal record.


But enough about that...

I took the kids to see this while my wife was at some country jamboree or some sh*t concert like that.

She likes country music.

I think it sounds like horrible crap spewed from the mouths of retarded monkeys.

I'm not sure why she doesn't invite me.


Anyway...the review.

I really liked this movie.

So did my kids.

The only problem I had was that Jack Black pretty much stays in classic jack black character.

This is awesome if you find Jack Black simply f*cking hilarious.


For example...

An opening line from a dream sequence in "Kung Fu Panda":

“...an awesome aura so awesome, his enemies would go blind from overdoses of pure awesomeness!”

Me: A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Everyone else:

*cricket*


I hate when that happens.


The karate sequences were as good if not better than that movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"...

...Or as I called it:

"Crouching tiger, hidden what the f*ck are they doing...f*cking flying?!?! What the f*ck?!!"


Anyway...

Jack Black:

His awesome level of awesomeness was awesome

Angelina Jolie:

Even as an animated tiger, I'd still bang her if my wife would get me a hall pass.


Dustin Hoffman:

Plays the sensei. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of animal that was.

Rabbit?

Welsh Corgi?


Jackie Chan:

Does anyone really care about Jackie Chan any more at this point?

My score:

3 out of 4 mooge splats.



Seriously...what are you, Dustin?

Chihuahua...?

Give me a f*cking clue, dude.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Monday, June 9, 2008

TOO MUCH PENIS!!! TOO MUCH PENIS!!


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I retell the adventures of my movie-going experiences.

...including filling squirt guns with hand lotion and shooting it all over the people in the front row while I'm moaning uncontrollably.

Good times...good times.


Anyway...

If you read my “Sex and the Stupid F*cking City” review, you’ll note that I was actually at the theater to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

However, I was trampled by a violent mob of post-SATC-viewing, estrogen-spewing MILF’s...

...and summarily carried away to a bar that only served drinks in pastel colors where all the women wore big f*cking hats.

Not a bad thing, really.


Anyway…

So the wife and I went to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

This was a tough sell for me, because my wife HATED all the other movies made by these guys: “40-Year-Old Virgin,” “Knocked Up” and “Superbad.”

So…it was either this…or I take her to see “Iron Man”….

…which I actually considered doing (which would make it my THIRD time seeing it), but decided against this for this simple reason:

If she hated it, I would have to kill her.



Really…if you like a movie SO much that you actually see it in the theater TWICE (at an estimated cost of $320), you expect everyone else to like it.

..and I simply couldn’t bear the fact that if my wife HATED it, we’d have to face the fact that divorce would follow shortly afterward.

So…Sarah Marshall it was.


I thought it was VERY funny.

My wife thought it was good.

Not great. But good.

I think the fact that it was a “romantic comedy” saved it for her.

On the other hand, this is the first “romantic comedy” I’ve seen that had full frontal male nudity for, like, 3 f*cking minutes.

I don’t need to see that much dick. I see enough of my own.

Granted, my penis is usually dressed up in a Barbie outfit…but whatever.


At one point I think I yelled, "ENOUGH WITH THE DINK ALREADY!"

I happened to be in the men's room at the time.

Awkward.

Anyway…

Jason Segel (Peter Bretter):

This guy has been great in all the movies he’s done for these guys.

However, having seen his penis has completely ruined “How I Met Your Mother” for me for the rest of it’s run.

All through the movie I kept wondering, “I wonder if the chicks in HIMYM are looking at his dick in this movie right now, thinking, “DAMN!!”


Kristen Bell (Sarah Marshall):

Hot. Needs bigger boobs.

Mila Kunis (Rachel Jansen):

When she was on “That 70’s Show” I kept feeling like a pedophile thinking she was hot.

She’s WAY hotter in this movie. WAY hotter.

Plus, she looks older now.

Hooray!


Of course, now I’ve graduated to “Sick Pervert with penis out at ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’”

The guy in front of me was NOT amused.

Paul Ruud (Chuck):

F*cking guy is brilliant. BRILLIANT.

If I had a movie to make, and it needed to be funny, I only need to hire this guy.


My Score:

3 out of 4 Mooge Splats.



I’m saving the extra splat for the chicks coming out of the “Sex and the City” movie.

I mean, hell, I’ve already got my penis out.

Why waste it?

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A Giant Wave of Vagina


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I'd give a movie "Thumbs Up"...

...but I'd have to get them out of my ass first.

And no one wants that.

Today I’m reviewing:

Sex and the City: The Movie

Yeah. Right.

Listen folks….

…the only way I’d go see that f*cking movie is if one of the following things happened:

1) I spontaneously grew a uterus

2)
I started f*cking men for fun

3)
My wife made me go

4)
Sarah Jessica Parker winds up somehow dismembered in it by an evil John Malkovich


The only chance of any of the above happening was #3…

…but, luckily for me, my wife is one of three women in the 48 contiguous states that make up America who HASN’T watched that show.

However, I DID go to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (review coming up).

Unfortunately, we saw “Sarah Marshall” on the very same weekend that “Sex and the City” opened.


I say “unfortunately,” because I happened to be heading back into the theater with a bag of popcorn when one of the “Sex” movies suddenly let out.

*rumble*

Me: “…what the…?”

*RUMBLE RUMBLE*

Me: “Oh. My. GOD!!!!

It was like a giant wave of vaginas suddenly poured out into the lobby of the theater.


Hundreds…NO…NO…THOUSANDS of estrogen-laden HBO-addicted MILF’s came funneling out of the movie…

…and the wave…

…five feet tall and a mile deep…

…was headed straight towards me.

Me (to the usher): “Tell my wife and kids that I love them!”

Usher: “..duhhhh…”

(I mean, come on…he takes tickets for a f*cking living)


And then…I saw him…

One sad, lost, lone man…

...in the middle of it all.

As the wave rushed past…our eyes met for the briefest of moments:

“Help me,” he mouthed to me, silently.

But I was alone and armed only with a six dollar bag of popcorn…

(seriously…six f*cking dollars for popcorn?!?!?)

….and could do nothing else except watch him get washed away amidst the chattering hoard.


I caught a quick glimpse, though, and realized…

…he was holding his girlfriend’s hand.

Stupid bastard.

He fell victim to #3.

Had he actually been f*cking men for fun (see #2, above), he might have been able to get away with going to a dance club or something instead of looking at Sarah Jessica Parker for two hours.

Ugh.

Seriously…they should employ that method with the prisoners at Guantanamo.

Soldier (holding up picture of SJP): “YOU LIKE THAT ACHMED?!? I’LL MAKE YOU F*CK THAT SH*T IF YOU DON’T TALK!!”

Terrorist: NOOO!! I’ll talk…I’ll talk!! We’re all hiding out in the basement of the Taco Bell in Afghanistan…on the corner of Osama and Fifth!! PLEASE…DON’T MAKE ME BANG THE DONKEY FACE!!.”

Nice.


Anyway…you want a review of this f*cking movie, go somewhere else.

I’ll be trying to wipe all this estrogen off of me from the tsunami I experienced.

Moog out.


***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************