Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Friday, June 20, 2008

This Just In: HULK SMASH!! Liv Tyler Still Unattractive

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where getting a rave review from me is as earth-shattering as getting a knob-job from Rosie O'Donnell.

So...yeah...not so much.

Today’s review:

The Incredible Hulk

I took my four-year-old son to see this on Sunday.

Unfortunately, so did Ping Wing Wong and his four kids.

As such, I’m even more convinced today that ASIANS CAN’T WHISPER.

The entire movie was all this:

Actor: “Oh. My. GOD!!! It’s coming right…”

Asian kid across aisle: “Ding Waaaaaaaah kwang ding dwong kong!! KaPling!!”

Seriously, kid.

SHUT THE F*CK UP or I'm taking away your koi pond.

Anyway…about the movie (which was fairly incoherent due to said small Asian boy who didn’t know how to whisper).

I liked it. So did my son.

It’s not nearly as awesome as the awesome awesomeness of Iron Man (which was awesome).

But it was good.

Two things I noticed:

1) What is the friggin’ fascination with Liv Tyler?!

There was a scene which, I assume, was supposed to be all sexy and shit with Liv Tyler coming out into the rain all wet and stuff.

All I could think of would be the massive tooth-dragging Hell that would result in an overbite-induced BJ from her.

I’d still take it…but I might not enjoy it.

2) Was Ed Harris the model for the monster, “The Abomination?”

Here…take a look:

Whaddy think? Separated at birth?

If anything, this should encourage Ed Harris to work out more. He now knows what he’d look like totally jacked.

The synopsis:

Ed Norton:
Not sure if they MADE him get into the worst shape of his life for this or not.

But – two words for Ed in this:

Man Boobs.

Seriously, dude. Go get a Manzier.

Tim Roth (Abomination):
Dude…really. Did you and Ed go to the same anti-gym for this movie?

My four year old son has bigger arms than you.

Looks great in certain light…cartoonish in others.

However, when you realize that you’re watching “The Hulk” – you kinda expect this.

At the end, he speaks.

This resulted in both me and my son running around the house yelling:


This really annoyed my wife when she could hear me yelling this from the bathroom when I was trying to drop a deuce.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats

Honestly...I was tempted to go for THREE Splats.

But the "Liv Tyler Teeth Thing" keeps dragging me back.


I said "dragging."

Moog out.


Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.


C.Rag said...

Why was Liv Taylor in the Lord of the Rings too? I'll tell you why, b/c fat loser Peter Jackson had a hard on for her. Steven Taylor wasn't free to give Jackson his blow job.

The Doggy Did It said...

We kept hearing that this was as good as Iron man...uh..No.

I liked how they linked the two movies though. I am a huge fan of comic book movies...I cannot wait to see the new Batman.

Oh, I also took my 4 year old son to see this...what a mistake...he got up to pee 11 times...the movie might have been better, but I dunno I missed 42 minutes of it.

Damn kids and their peeing.

**Damn you word verification!

Gladyslexic said...

liv tyler is pretty! i like her.

ironman is the most awesome superhero movie ever!!! except maybe tim burton's batman. maybe not. i don't know.

yes, we asians are oblivious to the volume of our voices. thank you.

still, i heart moooooog.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ive never been a big Liv Tyler Fan. However I am a huge fan of Ed Norton, even if he does have tiny man boobs.

I saw a commercial for this movie and I saw Lou Ferrigno in it. (The original Hulk.) I might go see this movie just to see what he looks like now.

I cracked up with your Seinfeld Manzier reference...

Great Review.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Thanks for clearing that up.

Doggy: This is why I make my kids go, like, 4 times before the movie starts.

Gladys: I'm hedging my bets on The Dark Knight...looks awesome. Sorry..didn't know you were Asian. LOOOKS AWESOME!!

Meleah: Lou looks like Lou. They also do a really cool "cameo" thing right in the beginning with Bill Bixby. Blink and you'll miss it...but they did it up really neatly.

AngryMan said...

Did I put a comment up earlier? I don't remember. I think it had something to do w/your secret obsession w/Liv Tyler.

kathleen said...

I think Liv Tyler is all that and then some. I never knew guys were intimidated by a teeny tiny overbite. I've fantasized about being dragged around by her dad's mouth.

Gladyslexic said...

just saw the hulk last night. it was pretty good. except for the part where i relived your life and was unfortunate enough to sit next to this asian twentysomething dude who kept reacting to everything and retelling his buddy what they just saw a second ago on the screen.

i wanted to go "hulk smash" on his face.