Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A Giant Wave of Vagina


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I'd give a movie "Thumbs Up"...

...but I'd have to get them out of my ass first.

And no one wants that.

Today I’m reviewing:

Sex and the City: The Movie

Yeah. Right.

Listen folks….

…the only way I’d go see that f*cking movie is if one of the following things happened:

1) I spontaneously grew a uterus

2)
I started f*cking men for fun

3)
My wife made me go

4)
Sarah Jessica Parker winds up somehow dismembered in it by an evil John Malkovich


The only chance of any of the above happening was #3…

…but, luckily for me, my wife is one of three women in the 48 contiguous states that make up America who HASN’T watched that show.

However, I DID go to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (review coming up).

Unfortunately, we saw “Sarah Marshall” on the very same weekend that “Sex and the City” opened.


I say “unfortunately,” because I happened to be heading back into the theater with a bag of popcorn when one of the “Sex” movies suddenly let out.

*rumble*

Me: “…what the…?”

*RUMBLE RUMBLE*

Me: “Oh. My. GOD!!!!

It was like a giant wave of vaginas suddenly poured out into the lobby of the theater.


Hundreds…NO…NO…THOUSANDS of estrogen-laden HBO-addicted MILF’s came funneling out of the movie…

…and the wave…

…five feet tall and a mile deep…

…was headed straight towards me.

Me (to the usher): “Tell my wife and kids that I love them!”

Usher: “..duhhhh…”

(I mean, come on…he takes tickets for a f*cking living)


And then…I saw him…

One sad, lost, lone man…

...in the middle of it all.

As the wave rushed past…our eyes met for the briefest of moments:

“Help me,” he mouthed to me, silently.

But I was alone and armed only with a six dollar bag of popcorn…

(seriously…six f*cking dollars for popcorn?!?!?)

….and could do nothing else except watch him get washed away amidst the chattering hoard.


I caught a quick glimpse, though, and realized…

…he was holding his girlfriend’s hand.

Stupid bastard.

He fell victim to #3.

Had he actually been f*cking men for fun (see #2, above), he might have been able to get away with going to a dance club or something instead of looking at Sarah Jessica Parker for two hours.

Ugh.

Seriously…they should employ that method with the prisoners at Guantanamo.

Soldier (holding up picture of SJP): “YOU LIKE THAT ACHMED?!? I’LL MAKE YOU F*CK THAT SH*T IF YOU DON’T TALK!!”

Terrorist: NOOO!! I’ll talk…I’ll talk!! We’re all hiding out in the basement of the Taco Bell in Afghanistan…on the corner of Osama and Fifth!! PLEASE…DON’T MAKE ME BANG THE DONKEY FACE!!.”

Nice.


Anyway…you want a review of this f*cking movie, go somewhere else.

I’ll be trying to wipe all this estrogen off of me from the tsunami I experienced.

Moog out.


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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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16 comments:

meleah rebeccah said...

OMFG. I am CRYING. This was hilarious. I can't even breathe.

I am emailing the link to this blog post to every woman I know.

Smileygirl said...

I can't stop laughing and I can't believe you actually went to see this movie.

moooooog35 said...

Meleah: Thanks! Spread the word!

By the way...the word of the day is "legs."

Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week!

Smiley: I see someone wasn't paying attention.

I DIDN'T go see this (see reasons #1 through #4) - but was simply swept up in an estrogen tsunami in the lobby.

Smileygirl said...

I just realized that! DUH!!!! I have a splitting headache (in part to laughing at this post) and I re-read that part again and realized that you actually didn't see it!
I'm slow like that today. But I have to say your library list of other movies is sub par. Veggie Tales??? The Chipmunks? I know you have kids and all but seriously, WTF is that about???

moooooog35 said...

Smiley: Hey...I know, I know...

...but I've only get to the movies every so often and - unfortunately - usually to see something animated.

If you want reviews on Cinemax Late Night, I can do that.

I'm looking for other reviewers as well.

If you'd also like to SEE a review on something specific (old, new, whatever), let me know and I'll pull something out of my cute little ass.

Jen said...

OMG, Moog, that was EXCELLENT! I am still crying from laughter. I went to see SATC with two of my friends, loved it, but still think that your list for the reasons GUYS should see it is the BEST!

Mary Beth said...

Oh man, I was crying I was laughing so hard at this. If anyone brave enough to attempt an intervention sees Bob out there among the pink wave, please help him. Is the sex really worth that?

Smileygirl said...

I'd like you to do a review on Oprah Winfrey's SMASH hit, Beloved.

That was the most painful 3 hours of my life.

Where's my pen?

amanda said...

Oh my lord, I think I split something reading this. I may have to go stage an intervention for Bob...

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

I'm with Smiley Girl, Mary Beth and Amanda. Hilarious! The pregnant man grossed me out and the ass picture of SJP cracked me up. Awesome.

But, I will not lie....I'll probably watch it when it finally makes its way to HBO. I'm not paying my hard earned $15 to see it in the theater. Hell Naw!

Quagmire said...

I'm just curious why you bleeped out the "I" in sh*t but you left the word f*ck in tact on the pregnant guy pic.?!

moooooog35 said...

Quagmire: Nice catch! Usually, I'm all about the f*ck and not so much about the sh*t. I'm surprised that slipped past me...actually...not really. I do some pretty hard dope.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Ah good stuff! Wiping tear from eye here. You know the weird part is Sarah Jessica *used* to be pretty fucking hot. Ever seen her in the bikini in that Bruce Willis "river cop" movie thing? Anyway, what happened to her? Did she visit Chernobyl or something and the radiation caused he face to keep growing? Did she make out with that “Mask" kid and catch his thing? What?

Raspootin said...

LaKota is correct. Very amusing review,Im still smiling!

Quickroute said...

Bravo! - A classic! - Can you do a non review of PS I Love You next pls?

LBluca77 said...

Ok this review was very funny and I am a huge SATC fan. Thanks for the giggles.