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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Drive-In, Drive-Out, Drive-in, out,!!

(A repost from Mental Poo)


You could pull the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick pretty easily.

I’m a year away from my 40th birthday. I need to say this because I have to date myself (in age…not like I normally “date myself”) in order to give some history to this story.

I was reading another blogger’s entry on the disappearance of a drive-in theater in his hometown. Very sad, if you’ve ever been to a drive-in…

..but it made me remember something from my teenage years.

Three towns over from where I lived, there was a drive-in theater. The difference here, and I swear this is true, is that it showed porn movies.

I'm not kidding. It was an all-porno drive-in.

How this information came to be known to a 16-year old guy is not important. What IS important, however, is that I knew about it and - more importantly - my girlfriend at the time wanted to go.

The first time I heard about it, my buddies decided to go check it out. So, there we all were – 5 of us – in his Pontiac Grand Prix off to the porno drive-in (I can see my Adsense Ads going to “Public Service Announcements” with every word I type).

I can’t begin to tell how weird it was to (a) pull up to the entrance and pay for 5 guys (no girls) and (b) to be sitting in a car with said 5 guys, all with boners watching the movie. It was rough. We needed dates. Sausage-fest porno is NOT the way to go.

Long story short, we saw what we came to see, and left.

I pitched the idea of going to this place to my girlfriend at the time, who actually agreed to go.



I was so excited, that I told my buddies about it – yes, guys, I’m going to watch porn with a GIRL. I could see the jealousy in their eyes. It was awesome. My girlfriend was DIRTY. Awesome.

So, Saturday night came and my girlfriend and I packed up the car (I had a 1970 Cutlass with a front bench seat (double-bonus…didn’t have to get in the back)) with a blanket for coverage purposes. Off we went to the drive-in.

The movie was in progress by the time we got there. We parked in a spot…set up that stupid little speaker thing…and started watching the movie.

(As a side note: never, EVER, EVER, exit the car to do anything at a drive-in like this. NEVER go to the concession stand (because those guys are watching the movie, too). And NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the men’s room – this is the first time I ever read a “for a good BJ call…”, which I thought was funny…until I realized that I was in the MEN’S room.)

Anyway, we’re watching the movie. It’s at this point, that the door to the car next to us opens.

An old woman gets out. She’s old – like 70 or so. She’s by herself.

We watch her as she walks around to the front of her car…and starts cleaning her windshield with a paper towel and a bottle of Windex.

She needed to see better. That dirty little bitch.

I’m thinking: “ew…”

Anyway, the girlfriend and I start getting busy. This is the greatest night of my life…porn…my car…how could this possibly get ANY better?

It couldn’t. It could only get worse.

…because that’s when my car starts hopping.

My car starts violently hopping up and down. My ass is in the air…my windows are all fogged up…I can’t see crap. My girlfriend is now freaking out, frantically looking around like, “WTF…?

It’s then that my friend’s face pops in my window:

“Hey. Whatcha doing?”

My other three friends are on my rear bumper jumping on it...violently...and now they’re all going, “whoop!...whoop!”


Penis goes down. Game over.


The moral of my story is that if you’ve got a good thing going, don’t rub it in your friends’ faces. They will make you pay.

A year or so later, the place closed permanently. I guess Cinemax and the emergence of Ron Jeremy had something to do with it.

I hope that old lady had cable.

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