Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Friday, January 2, 2009

Valkyrie - The One-Eyed Monster is Good

Today, I have a review of the movie:


That's right.

I finally got out of the fucking house and got to go see a movie.

THREE, in fact.

Reviews of all are upcoming.

Hey...don't pretend your nipples aren't hard. I know they are.

Oh review...

(sometimes, I just go off on a tangent. I go off. Get off. I get off...FUCK.. there I go again)

Valkyrie is a story about a German assassination attempt against Adolph Hitler, pulled off by officers in his own army.

I wanted to see this for a few reasons:

1) I had never heard the story before

2) I needed to get out of the fucking house after spending a week home on vacation with my kids JESUS H. CHRIST CAN I HAVE TWO MINUTES PEACE?!?!? JUST TWO?!?!?

3) You don't get to see pirates anymore, and Tom Cruise with an eyepatch looks like a pirate if you can block out the Nazi uniform.

So, off I went by myself.

The story is a good one, but has the following drawback:

You already know how it ends.

It's not like you're sitting there going:

"C'mon...c'mon...this is gonna work..."

So, you know, they fail.

By the way, if this was a spoiler for you, you're a fucking idiot.

Speaking of idiots, I found myself doing this at one point in the movie:

Scene: Tom Cruise's character is introduced to Hitler.

Officer (to Hitler): "My Fuehrer, this is Colonel von Stauffenberg."

Hitler looks up with a scowl...

...glances over...

...says nothing, and returns to what he was doing.

And I thought:

Me: "Wow. That was rude."




So, that's the plot and the movie...with an ending you already know.

But, the ride, and how everything gets put into place and ultimately unravels, is worth the watch.

There's not a whole lot of actual acting or dialogue, which is good, because the one broad in the theater...

(seriously...WW2 movies are complete sausage-fests)

...happened to be sitting three seats away from me and was busy crinkling her fucking candy bag or whatever the Hell she was eating for the majority of the movie OH MY GOD WILL YOU JUST OPEN THE FUCKING THING?!? JUST OPEN IT!!!


I hate people.

So did Hitler.

I wish this would have worked.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

Go see it.

But, if you go, OPEN YOUR CANDY FIRST.

It just may save your life.

Moog out.


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LBluca77 said...

Ugh Tom Cruise! Am I the only one that thinks he looks like a raw skinless piece of chicken?

meleah rebeccah said...

I am probably NOT going to see this movie, but you had me laugh out loud when you said:

"By the way, if this was a spoiler for you, you're a fucking idiot."

and when you said:

"Me: "Wow. That was rude."





You rock movie reviews.

Rogelio said...

Any historic movie made... we already know how they end. Meh.