Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

"Terminator: Salvation" - Don't Bale if You Like the Series

Today I'm reviewing:

Terminator: Salvation


We're gonna keep this one really short today for two reasons:

1) I'm working

2) I have to poop

I guess I could have combined those two since I really put a lot of effort into my shits.

Whatever.


I got a chance to break away this weekend and see Terminator: Salvation.

I was pretty bummed out after seeing rottentomatoes.com reviews of it...which pretty much said it sucked more ass than Ellen Degeneres trying to save Portia De Rossi from a runaway anal hamster.

Wow.

I'll be dreaming of that shit tonight.

Hooray for me!


Regardless, I went to see it anyway because I had a free pass to the movies.

Hint: If you complain about ANYTHING at the movies, they give you free passes.

Noisy fat assfuck with his hat on fucking sideways in the front row?

Free pass.

No sound for 3.4 seconds of the previews?

Free pass.

Popcorn too salty?

Listen...I know I was the one putting the salt on the popcorn but, seriously, you don't have ANY warning labels about the speed of the pour on the shakers.

Free pass.


You're welcome.

I've digressed.

Here is my synopsis in a nutshell:

If you are a fan of the Terminator series (and I am one of them), you will like this movie.

There are tie-ins to every single other movie - some subtle, some not so subtle, and some you go HOLY FUCKSHIT that was cool!

Guy yelling "Holy Fuckshit that was cool!" in the movie?

Free pass.

Doesn't matter that it was me.

Regardless, since Christian Bale actually stars in about 5 minutes of the fucking movie, don't ignore it just because you can't fucking stand him.

He's almost a non-character.

HOWEVER...


If you know very little or nothing about the Terminator series, this is NOT the place to learn.

You'll be lost and it will just look like a movie with lots of robots and fighting and shit.

Which is still fucking cool but since you didn't see the other Terminators you fucking loser you're gonna be lost.

Then you can complain that the movie was confusing.

Free pass.


I have to give this one two scores:

My Score for Fans of the Terminator series:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



My Score for newbies (i.e., losers - seriously...Terminator? What the fuck is wrong with you not knowing fucking TERMINATOR?!):

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



Don't like my two scores?

Free pass.

Seriously. Try this shit.

You're welcome again.

Moog out.

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2 comments:

kathcom said...

Thanks for the review. I am a fan of Terminator, especially the first two. (Forget about that abortion of a TV show. That made me want to kill John Connor myself.)

I've never gotten a free pass. Maybe it's against the rules in NYC to worry about my satisfaction?

VE said...

I'm considering the movie reviewer offer. I watch a lot of movies.

As to this one; I just saw it to. I'd have only given it two splats though. I have trouble believing terminators can actually swim...

I was glad to see Arnold whipped himself back into his early 80s fitness shape again... ;)