Journey to the Center of Mediocrity

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where, quite frankly, I think the ushers are sick of seeing me regularly, and are now starting to push me around when I show up.

This is why I pee on the floor.

Yeah...

...that ain't butter you're stepping in.

Today, I'm reviewing "Journey to the Center of the Earth."


Starring Brendan Frasier.

So, pretty much, you know right off it's probably gonna suck ass.

BINGO!!


Interestingly, the reviews I read PRIOR to seeing said something like this:

"See it in 3D. Otherwise, it's not very good."

Um.

Well...I SAW it in 3D and didn't think it was very good.

So I can only imagine the amount of suckitude it displayed in regular 2D.

Fine..fine...

...it wasn't THAT bad.

As long as you KNOW you're not going in to see some great literary masterpiece...it may be worth the matinee fee. Nothing more than that, though.

In the end:

My kids really liked it.

The 3D was very good.

The only problem I had was that to get the 3D experience, I had to pay TWO DOLLARS extra for the glasses.

It's not the two bucks that hurt me, it's the fact that:

1) I will never use these again in my life (couldn't I just put a f*cking deposit on them or something?)

2) The glasses are the size of a small Volkswagen



My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



2 Splats for 3D, mind you.

Subtract two for having to watch Brendan Frasier in 2 Dimensions.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Moog's List of Suck - #1

If I were to give ZERO splats to any movies…what would they be?

Actually…let’s rephrase this.

If I was to give 0 splats to any movies that were SUPPOSED to be good…what would they be?

Well…here they are:

1) Brokeback Mountain

I suffered through this thinking it had to get better at some point.

I mean...rave reviews, right? Oscar contender, right?

RIGHT?!?

Then, there was continual scenes of hideous gay man-sex and I damn near sued Netflix for allowing me to rent it.

Hey...I'm all for gay rights and shit...

...just not on my fucking Sony.

To this day, the image of Jake Gyllenhaal getting cornholed by Heath Ledger is still burned into my memory.

Sometimes, I wake up screaming.


2) Bend it Like Beckham

I lasted about 10 minutes into this (which is about 3 times longer than sex…but whatever).

The only reason I lasted that long was because I was trying to see if that chick from ER would drop her top or something.

She didn’t. It wasn’t funny. I bailed.


3) Mulholland Drive

Three words:

What. The. Fuck.

Really. What the fuck WAS that?!?

Two hours of my life gone…gone…and – you know what? – I have NO IDEA where they went.


4) Do the Right Thing

This movie has the honor of being the only movie – THE ONLY MOVIE – in the history of “me” that I’ve ever fallen asleep in at the theater.

I mean, the cover of the movie looks all "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" like...but no...

Movie sucked.


Yes folks…

...it was SO exciting that I basically paid $7 to sleep in a chair that made my ass hurt.

Just like Jake Gyllenhaal’s.

Poor bastard.

The Dark Knight - by Derek

Ok, I don’t know how to use the PhotoShop piece of the blog so this review will be all written. No visuals. Sorry.

The Dark Knight is over 2.5 hours long but who cares if it is a good movie. I don’t want good movies to end. See Magnolia. See Life is Beautiful.

However, we did get there 20 minutes early, sat through the commercials (I still can’t believe I am paying them to watch commercials), sat through 14 sneak previews (all with explosions of some sort – it is going to be a deafening summer at the movies) and then a 160 minute movie, all after drinking three iced teas at dinner.

One more Batman fight sequence and we could have used a paddle boat out of the theater.

The movie is loud. Really loud (said the 39 year old curmudgeon). The people in the next theater watching Mamma Mia must have been pissed. Then again, Pierce Brosnan singing…maybe not. Between the glass breaking, buildings crumbling, trucks flipping, bad guys pummeled, Batmobile racing, etc, I felt like I had just left a Tool concert except without the contact high.

You have been warned. That aside, this is a great movie. This is Heath Ledger’s movie. He steals every scene he is in. He will make you laugh while your skin is simultaneously crawling. (Insert your own Brokeback Mountain joke here. I will not because I liked that movie). He is a villain with no purpose. No motive. He is simply evil. Simply awesome. Dumbass had to go and kill himself.

Aside from Heath (the Joker), you have an all-star cast. They are as follows:

Christian Bale – The best Batman period. And a great actor. See The Machinist. See American Psycho.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – She is waaaaaaaaaaay better than Katie Holmes and just adorable. And rather sexy. In fact, she is on “my list”. See The Secretary.

Morgan Freeman – Always good. He’s like Gene Hackman. You can’t go wrong.

Aaron Eckhart – Under-appreciated actor. He can smile, looking so sincere yet something about him says he’s full of sh*t. See Thank you for Smoking. See In the Company of Men.

Michael Caine – Is it me or does this guy never age? Remember Blame it on Rio? He looks the exact same and Demi Moore, just a child in that movie, is now a rubbery old lady with plastic yams. You go MC!

Gary Oldman – This guy has played Sid Vicious, Dracula and Lee Harvey Oswald. Here he plays the trusty, if not a little nerdy, Commissioner Gordon. Now that is range!

I will not go in to detail about the plot. It is smart, well-written, dark (think - pencil through the head) and thought provoking. This is easily more than just a comic book movie (see Ironman). The special effects are top notch but do not overwhelm the movie. The fight scenes are effective without being drawn out. The car chases are spectacular without overstaying their welcome (see Ronin).

Three and a half splats from me.


Four if Maggie had shown a little boob.

An Awesome Knight

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Yeah.

Thrilling.

I know.

Today I'm reviewing "The Dark Knight."


Two words:

Holy.

Crap.

Just when I think that there can't POSSIBLY be a better superhero movie than Iron Man...

...comes "The Dark Knight."

Let's break it down...

The Pros:

1) Heath Ledger's "Joker" somehow manages to best the bad guy from "No Country for Old Men" as the best villain EVER.

EVER.

This is NOT a kid's movie. The Joker is VIOLENT. Nasty. Disgusting. Creepy. He's also a murderer...he is NOT channeling Jack Nicholson.

Almost like Rosie O'Donnell...except he uses a knife to shred his victims instead of his giant, soul-devouring mouth.

But, whatever.



2) Christian Bale is cool.

This guy can't possibly get any better.

At least this is what I thought until I saw the "Coming Attractions" before the movie.

There's a new "Terminator" movie coming.

(queue boner)

And Christian Bale is in it.

(OMG!! OMG!!)

I think I poo'd a little I was so excited.



The cons:

1) The movie is 2-1/2 hours long.

I really really start to lose interest over two hours.

At one point, I was thinking the movie was over...but it kept going for another half hour or 45 minutes.

My wife thought it went fast.

Good for her.

2) It's a Batman movie.

When I asked my wife how she liked it, she said:

"Heath Ledger MADE the movie. Except for him, though...it was just a Batman movie."

I can somewhat agree with her. Without Ledger's uber-creepy Joker...this movie would have been WAY too long and just another Batman movie.

But it's an AWESOME Batman movie.

Go see it.

Just know that when you THINK it's just about over, there's more to come.

I'm curious what my Brother-in-Law, Derek thinks...and I'm hoping he throws his own review in here as well.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



I took 1/2 splat off for length.

That sounds dirty.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Nicholson + Freeman = Suck

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I spend money renting movies so you don't have to.

Man...

I'm stupid.

Today, I'm reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

"The Bucket List"


The main characters are Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, and the guy who played one of the gay guys in "Will & Grace."

Nicholson and Freeman are dying of lung cancer in the movie, and are facing their impending deaths.

LET THE COMEDY ENSUE, HA HA!!

*cricket*

The plot revolves around death, and how one feels about death and dying.

I found myself uttering these words during the movie to drive this point home:

"Kill me."

"DIE ALREADY!! DIE!!!"

"Jesus H. Christ. I should've rewatched 'Weekend at Bernie's'."

"Does my finger smell funny to you?"

This last quote had nothing to do with the movie, but clearly shows that I had lost interest in it and began navigating my various body cavities in order to stay entertained.


Honestly, I'm not sure why I rented it.

If you can manage to stomach the awkward "friendship", lack of chemistry between characters, limited laughs, and the OMG-WHAT-THE-F*CK-HAPPENED-TO-HIM shock of Jack Nicholson's face...

...then the last ten minutes are pretty decent...

...and the film wraps up pretty well.

Not well enough to save me from sticking my finger in damp places, though.

Seriously.

Does this thing stink or is it just me?

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

How do you say, "In Bruges?"

My brother-in-law, Derek, is now becoming - thankfully - a regular contributor here (click here to see his other reviews).


This is good - because I'm fairly broke and my Netflix list at home consists of:

1) "The Incredible Hulk TV Series, Season 1" (F*CK YEAH!)
2) "Grey's Anatomy" (wife's pick)
3) "The Bucket List" (a.k.a., "Bucket of Suck")

So I'm looking for help wherever I can get it.

In rides Derek on his giant Netflix horse to save the day.

Today, Derek is reviewing one of his Netflix rentals:

"In Bruges"

Enjoy.
***************************

Have you ever wanted to see Colin Farrell karate chop a racist dwarf in the neck?

If you are like me, the answer is yes. And finally we have a movie that allows us such a treat.


The movie, "In Bruges" (pronounced like rouge but with a “br”), follows two hit men, Farrell and Brendan Gleeson, to the city of Bruges, Belgium - which I must admit, I never knew existed - while they lay low after a hit gone awry.


It mixes some very funny dialogue -

Hitman #1 - “Don’t you want to go up and see the view?”

Hitman #2 - “The view of what? Down here?! I can already see down here from where I am standing.”

- with some incredibly graphic violence.

It’s like watching Fox News except this humor is intended.

Some very good performances by Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes. And who knew Colin could actually act? He has been pretty forgettable up until now.

Unless you count his home sex tape my brother-in-law (different one) showed me on the internet but I don’t think he was acting in that.

(editor's note: WHAT TAPE?! WHERE?! Why aren't you sharing?!? Call me - Moog.)


He’s so bad that in one movie they stuck him in a phone booth for the whole thing - and he never left the damn phone booth. All this stuff was happening but he was still sitting there in the phone booth.

I can’t remember the name of the movie though.

But I digress.

(editor's note: Not sure, Derek..but I think the title may have had the word "phone" in it. You're welcome - Moog)

If you get nothing else out of watching this movie, you may want to add it to your list of places to see before you die.

Bruges looks like a very intriguing city.

Derek's Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


*********************

Thanks, Derek! Another great review!

Sounds like I'll be adding "In Bruges" to my Netflix list.

Once I'm done with the Hulk series and the Colin Farrell internet porn video.

Thanks in advance for getting that to me, Derek. Much appreciated.

***************************
Want to be a movie reviewer, too?

Then send me an email via the link on the right, or click here.

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Ow, Ow, F*ckity Ow!

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where my $17 a month membership to Netflix...

...and my maintenance of this site to give you honest movie reviews...

...hardly seems worth all the f*cking trouble.

SEND MONEY!


Sorry.

Today, I'm reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

"Juno"


I'm pulling no punches here:

I.

LOVE.

THIS MOVIE.

I saw this movie in the theater...

(the other choice was "I am Legend" - which should have been titled, "I am Kinda Lame")

...and HAD to rent it when it came out on DVD.


It's a movie about a high school girl, Juno (Ellen Page) who gets pregnant by her geeky boyfriend Bleeker (Michael Cera) and the ensuing hilarity that accompanies all teenage pregnancies.

Actually..when I write it that way..it doesn't sound that funny.


When you add Jason Bateman into the mix though, you get two of the characters from one of the funniest, underrated television shows on the face of the planet, "Arrested Development."

Then it got canceled.

DAMN YOU, FOX TELEVISION...DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!


But I digress.

If you find it hard to get into "independent" films...it might take you a while to get into "Juno" (unlike Bleeker).

It's full of weird hippie-style music...

...it comes across as low-budget...

...the Juno character is actually a pretty weird girl...

...and Jason Bateman's character gets REALLY creepy, like, halfway through.


But stick with it and give it a chance.

It's awesome and will leave a smile on your face.

Trust me.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Especially if you send money.

Thanks in advance.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Vagina Dentata

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I watch shit, just for you.

Just like the towel guy in the men's room.

LOOK AT MY SHIT, PEASANT!!

Sorry.

Today, I'm reviewing another masterpiece off my Netflix list:

Teeth


This will be one of my shortest reviews, ever.

If you enjoy shitty horror movies about girls with fangs in their vagina...

...sexual assaults...

...multiple castration scenes showing severed, bloody penises...

...and the kid from "Nip/Tuck" (Hey! Look! It's Matt!)...

...well, then:

This one's for you.


Me?

Not so much.

What made this worse is that I heard it was good.

I'm not sure WHO I heard this from...but if I ever figure it out, I may actually kill them.

With my toothed-vagina.

Ugh.

Iggy.

My Score:

1/2 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


Now...please excuse me while I hide in the bathtub while protectively cupping my balls.

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Wall-E and the Biggest Loser

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where the movie ratings I see end up sounding like a rabid dog:

"G-R-R-R-G-G-R-R-R-R"

Just sayin'.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing:

Wall-E


I was really looking forward to this movie, and it didn't disappoint.

My wife, however, was a little disappointed because she expected a LOT out of this movie, and feels that it was either over-hyped, or she had just built it up a lot in her mind.

Again...this is exactly why I didn't take her to see Iron Man.

If she didn't like it, I would have no choice but to lock her in the basement for weeks.

Again.


Okay...back to Wall-E:

The movie starts out very slowly - with very little for kids to latch onto.

As such, I actually think my kids were a little bored with the beginning of the movie (about the first 20 minutes or so)...

...as there is absolutely NO dialog for at least the first 1/2 hour.

If your kids have a short attention span, Wall-E might not be for you.

Actually - if you're the jackass sitting behind me with his two year old who wouldn't shut the f*ck up - NO MOVIES are for your daughter. NONE.

Wait for the f*cking DVD, asshole. Thanks in advance.


Wall-E goes from an environmental message to a message about health and exercise, all the while being a love story.

When there finally IS dialog, it's spoken by a cast of character humans who all look like people auditioning for the reality show, "The Biggest Loser."

All the robots do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE and - as such - all the humans get enormously fat.

If you're offended by fat jokes (or fat people), then there's a lot of it here...none of which, thankfully, belongs to Oprah.


In the end, I liked the movie a lot and thought it was cute. I think my kids like "Kung Fu Panda" more, actually...

...but this is MY review and they can fight me on it when they learn to type.

Hopefully, the robots won't be doing it for them.


My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Wanted: Angelina Jolie (um...duh)

Today, we have our first-ever Guest Review.

Today's reviewer is Zac.

Zac was previously made famous over on "Mental Poo" where he dared write in to me for advice.

Not sure if he'll do that again.

Hopefully, by now, he's also kicked that wicked heroin habit.

Regardless, I received the following review from Zac for the movie:

Wanted


****************
Right now.

Stop what you're doing, get in your car, drive to the nearest theatre and see this movie NOW!

Seriously, everything about this movie was awesome.

Great special effects, freeking crazy action sequences and some of the coolest gun battles since Equilibrium (another movie you should watch).

Not to mention Angelina Jolie is so hot that I knocked out the guy in front of me and buttered his popcorn.

I give this movie 1/2 Mooge Splats less then whatever you gave Iron Man, cause that's the only movie this year that's better than Wanted.

Why are you still reading this? You should be at the theatre.....go! I'm watching you!

****************

Well...there you go.

I think he liked it.

According to RottenTomatoes.com, it's getting pretty good reviews as well (about 80% of people liked the movie).

Thanks, Zac. Your review is appreciated.

Zac's Score (1/2 splat less than my four-splat Iron Man Score):

3-1/2 Moog Splats (out of a possible four)



Moog out.
************************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.