Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Monday, March 9, 2009

Watchmen - Long Movie, Long Schlong

Today I'm reviewing:

Watchmen


I was pretty excited to go see The Watchmen, even though I had never read the book or had no idea what it was going to be about.

Good marketing is my achilles heel.

On a related note:

I have no idea why I'm drinking this Dr. Pepper right now.

Tastes like Alec Baldwin's ass after a marathon.

BUT I LOVE THE COMMERCIALS!!

See? This shit just sucks me in.


Regardless, I almost DIDN'T go because when I checked it out on rottentomatoes.com, I noticed two things:

1) It wasn't getting rave reviews

2) It was 2 hours and 43 minutes long

Two Hours. Forty Three minutes.


What. The fuck.

If you're a reader of my reviews, you know that 2 hours is pretty much my cut-off.

I've given specific passes on this rule for awesome movies like Iron Man, though, on the basis that the movie was JUST SIMPLY FUCKING AWESOME!!! WOO HOO! IRON MAN, BABY!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot is set in some weird mutated past and revolves between the 1940's and the 1980's.

In this ficticious history, Richard Nixon is serving as President through the Vietnam War, and continues to serve in this capacity through his FIFTH term.

For some reason never really explained (I think), he has outlawed masked vigilantes (superheroes), thus forcing into retirement a particular high profile group based in New York known as 'The Watchmen.'



The Watchmen are made up of these characters:

1) Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)

Some rich smart guy who would not look out of place on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.


2) The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Rough guy with major morality issues who looks just like a beefed up older Robert Downey Jr.

3) Night Owl (Patrick Wilson)

The last time I saw Patrick Wilson was when I rented "Hard Candy."

Another fucking weird movie.

However, I'm assuming this character appeals to all the fat out of shape nerds who believe that someday, somehow, they'll be able to fly and beat up people and fuck Malin Akerman.

Because this guy looks like shit for a superhero.


Which brings me to...

4) Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)

* penis goes boinnng!

I like this character for two reasons:

a) She is the only superhero I've ever seen wear a suit that has a garter belt

b) She gets laid, like, 3 times in the movie...and we get boobie each time

That's good enough for me.



5) Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)

One of the best characters. Ever.

Bad-ass good guy.

My problem was that I thought this guy was Danny Bonaduce.

So I spent most of the time watching him with his mask off trying to figure out if it was Danny Bonaduce or his brother or cousing or some shit.

So I probably missed some plot points.


Danny Bonaduce fucks my day up yet again.

Long story.

But you couldn't miss:

6) Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

Dr. Manhattan is a guy who had some type of nuclear accident and can now do all kinds of shit like change things and move shit and teleport himself and fuck Malin Akerman twice at the same time by making three of himself to do it.

I'm a little jealous.


Oh yeah:

He's blue.

One more tip:

He's fucking naked for 99% of the movie.

For all you women out there who wanted to see Billy Crudup's penis for hours on end, this is the movie for you.

Me?

Not so much.

I now know, with distinct clarity, what Papa Smurf's dick must look like.

Here's what confused me:

In parts of the movie, he puts clothes on. So, it's not like he CAN'T wear clothes.

So I'm not sure why he feels the need to go without underwear when he's, say, working on his nuclear shit.

I know when I'm building my fission reactor, I always put on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

It's just how I roll.


It's when one of these Watchmen is murdered (known as 'The Comedian'), that the story begins...and the quest to resolve the mystery of WHO killed him and why drives the movie.

In the end, I was, like:

It was pretty good.

There's not enough fighting or action to keep things going quickly, but the narrative is decent and the character development and history of the characters is excellent.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



If you like superhero/science fiction...then you'll probably like this.

If you don't, you won't. It will be long and confusing.

At almost three hours long, it feels long.

Not as long as Billy Crudup's neon-blue prick...but long nonetheless.

Moog out.

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11 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If it helps, that wasn't Billy Crudup's dick. It was a prosthetic.

The clothing thing on Dr. Manhattan was supposed to be symbolic of how much control the government had over his actions. It's sort of a liberating thing so that by the time he jumps to Mars, he's nekkid and is doing his own thing.

moooooog35 said...

Mjenks: It doesn't help. If I want to see that much dick I'll rent a porno.

Actually, I usually rent lesbian pornos, so forget that comment.

Narm said...

Sure ya do, Mooog. Sure ya do.

AngryMan said...

Rorschach was pretty awesome, but, you're right, the movie wasn't that good.

Malach the Merciless said...

Awesome movies, my favorite comic and one of my favorite pieces of fiction of all time. Dr. Manhattan was almost entirely all CGI, so don't feel so bad, and Angryman is an idiot.

Jon said...

Great review.

This is my first time here, (got here from MJenks), so I have to ask.. is the Moog35 because of Andy Moog? If so, that's awesome.

Although, I'm not sure the innernets can handle two Bruins-loving movie reviewers. We may have to fight to the death or something.

moooooog35 said...

Narm: I've always loved you.

What?

Angry: Once again I am completely correct in my own mind!

Malach: We know Angryman is an idiot. I also knew you'd like it because of all the blue wiggly.

Jon: Get that man a kewpie doll. And, yes, I'm awesome.

Thanks for noticing.

Lamaworks said...

MY GOD - you hit the nail on the penis head. My review was a little more about the movie missing the mark for non comics. I dont tell my friends - but i am one.

check out my review at www.waltsense.com

AngryMan said...

Malach's just jealous of me.

Soda and Candy said...

Yes! I am totally with you on the Rorschach/Bonaduce thing.

Luckily I had read the book so my mind was free to ponder this important issue.

And yes, there was a little too much neon-blue peen in this movie.

Katie said...

All I have to say about this movie is that two days before we went to go see it, I cut my hair into some major bangs. My husband was on the fence until we watched this movie. Now, strangely enough, he keeps telling me he likes my hair.

I spent most of the movie trying to figure out if the Comedian was Robert Downey Jr.