"Monsters vs. Aliens" - Gooey Goodness in 3D

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Monsters vs. Aliens


Because I'm still doing this shit one-handed, I'll make it quick.

My wife hears this every third Saturday night.

She cries sometimes.

Regardless, we took the kids to see "Monsters vs. Aliens" at an IMAX Theater.

IMAX + 3D = HOLYFUCKSHIT

(sorry for the math)


Synopsis:

Monsters vs. Aliens revolves around a central character, Susan (Reese Witherspoon successfully animated to have her weird chin removed) who is hit by a meteor on the day she's supposed to marry he fiance, Derek (Paul Rudd! Hooray!)

The meteor infuses her with an alien element that causes her to become ginormous. Of course, the military steps in - captures her - and puts her in a super-secret facility with several other "monsters" they've captured.


When an alien actually detects the presence of this element on Earth (inside Susan) , he begins his quest of retrieving the element and destroying the planet in the process.

When the military fails to destroy the alien invasion, it calls upon the monsters to do the job.

My Review:

It was good, not great.

The 3D effects and animation, combined with the monster, B.O.B, (voiced awesomely by Seth Rogen) save this movie from being somewhat shitty.


I think the majority of laughter I heard was coming from adults in the theater, but my wife said my she had never heard my 5-year-old son laugh so hard in a movie before.

The movie starts off slow and may be a little confusing for kids at first - but it picks up when Susan is thrown in with the monsters and ramps up from there.

If your kids like movies and animation, take them to see it - the 3D alone is very impressive.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


3D is the way to go.

I'm just gald they didn't digitize Reese Witherspoon's chin.

I can't imagine that thing coming right at me.

Moog out.


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"I Love You, Man" - Yes...yes I do.

Today I'm reviewing:

I Love You, Man



I'm gonna make this short today.

(that's what Lorena Bobbitt said)

Because I'm typing one-handed...

(and not for the reason I want to...my hand is broken (and not for the reason I wanted to for that, either))

...I'm tired of hunting and pecking.

Now I sound like my wife.

Regardless, we went to see "I Love You, Man" this weekend.

It's about a guy named Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) who's marrying an uber-hottie (Rashida Jones - a.k.a. the other hot chick Jim was fucking in "The Office").


Peter realizes that - during the wedding planning - that all his friends are guys...and that he has no real guy friends.

Thus, this movie sets him out on this quest.

He inevitably finds himself paired with a guy named Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), and the movie takes off as they begin their newfound friendship.

It's basically a chick flick for guys.

But it's fucking hilarious.

It starts off slow...but picks up in twenty minutes and just keeps going.

Keep an eye out for Jon Favreau who is his regular genius as an asshole.

Granted, it's not as funny as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but well worth seeing if you love Paul Rudd and Jason Segel movies.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)

One more tip:

Don't leave before the credits.

There's another 5 minutes of movie as they roll.

Now, excuse me.

My fucking hand is killing me now.

Hope you appreciate it.

My penis sure doesn't.

Little guy's been lonely.

Moog out.

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Ghost Town - What Is David Duchovny Thinking?!

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Ghost Town


Here is the synopsis from IMDB:

"Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais) is a man whose people skills leave much to be desired. When Pincus dies unexpectedly, but is miraculously revived after seven minutes, he wakes up to discover that he now has the annoying ability to see ghosts.

Even worse, they all want something from him, particularly Frank Herlihy (Greg Kinnear) who pesters him into breaking up the impending marriage of his widow Gwen (Tea Leoni). That puts Pincus squarely in the middle of a triangle with spirited results."

Blah..blah..blah...

You got my attention at "Tea Leoni."


David Duchovny let this go?

MULDER!!!

I...I no longer believe.

Idiot.


Regarding the movie:

Eh. Not that good.

Ricky Gervais has some good lines in it, but the movie is pretty predictable and forgettable. Greg Kinnear's character is just weird.

I'd say rent it ONLY if there's nothing else on...and you have low expectations.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me, now.

I have to go do something with this Tea photo...

...anyone know how to Photoshop away this cloth thing she has wrapped around her?

Thanks in advance.

Moog out.

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Watchmen - Long Movie, Long Schlong

Today I'm reviewing:

Watchmen


I was pretty excited to go see The Watchmen, even though I had never read the book or had no idea what it was going to be about.

Good marketing is my achilles heel.

On a related note:

I have no idea why I'm drinking this Dr. Pepper right now.

Tastes like Alec Baldwin's ass after a marathon.

BUT I LOVE THE COMMERCIALS!!

See? This shit just sucks me in.


Regardless, I almost DIDN'T go because when I checked it out on rottentomatoes.com, I noticed two things:

1) It wasn't getting rave reviews

2) It was 2 hours and 43 minutes long

Two Hours. Forty Three minutes.

What. The fuck.

If you're a reader of my reviews, you know that 2 hours is pretty much my cut-off.

I've given specific passes on this rule for awesome movies like Iron Man, though, on the basis that the movie was JUST SIMPLY FUCKING AWESOME!!! WOO HOO! IRON MAN, BABY!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot is set in some weird mutated past and revolves between the 1940's and the 1980's.

In this ficticious history, Richard Nixon is serving as President through the Vietnam War, and continues to serve in this capacity through his FIFTH term.

For some reason never really explained (I think), he has outlawed masked vigilantes (superheroes), thus forcing into retirement a particular high profile group based in New York known as 'The Watchmen.'



The Watchmen are made up of these characters:

1) Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)

Some rich smart guy who would not look out of place on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.


2) The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Rough guy with major morality issues who looks just like a beefed up older Robert Downey Jr.

3) Night Owl (Patrick Wilson)

The last time I saw Patrick Wilson was when I rented "Hard Candy."

Another fucking weird movie.

However, I'm assuming this character appeals to all the fat out of shape nerds who believe that someday, somehow, they'll be able to fly and beat up people and fuck Malin Akerman.

Because this guy looks like shit for a superhero.


Which brings me to...

4) Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)

* penis goes boinnng!

I like this character for two reasons:

a) She is the only superhero I've ever seen wear a suit that has a garter belt

b) She gets laid, like, 3 times in the movie...and we get boobie each time

That's good enough for me.



5) Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)

One of the best characters. Ever.

Bad-ass good guy.

My problem was that I thought this guy was Danny Bonaduce.

So I spent most of the time watching him with his mask off trying to figure out if it was Danny Bonaduce or his brother or cousing or some shit.

So I probably missed some plot points.


Danny Bonaduce fucks my day up yet again.

Long story.

But you couldn't miss:

6) Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

Dr. Manhattan is a guy who had some type of nuclear accident and can now do all kinds of shit like change things and move shit and teleport himself and fuck Malin Akerman twice at the same time by making three of himself to do it.

I'm a little jealous.


Oh yeah:

He's blue.

One more tip:

He's fucking naked for 99% of the movie.

For all you women out there who wanted to see Billy Crudup's penis for hours on end, this is the movie for you.

Me?

Not so much.

I now know, with distinct clarity, what Papa Smurf's dick must look like.

Here's what confused me:

In parts of the movie, he puts clothes on. So, it's not like he CAN'T wear clothes.

So I'm not sure why he feels the need to go without underwear when he's, say, working on his nuclear shit.

I know when I'm building my fission reactor, I always put on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

It's just how I roll.


It's when one of these Watchmen is murdered (known as 'The Comedian'), that the story begins...and the quest to resolve the mystery of WHO killed him and why drives the movie.

In the end, I was, like:

It was pretty good.

There's not enough fighting or action to keep things going quickly, but the narrative is decent and the character development and history of the characters is excellent.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


If you like superhero/science fiction...then you'll probably like this.

If you don't, you won't. It will be long and confusing.

At almost three hours long, it feels long.

Not as long as Billy Crudup's neon-blue prick...but long nonetheless.

Moog out.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

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Wanted - OMG OMG OMG It's Angelina's BUM! HOORAY!

Today I'm reviewing another movie from my Netflix list:

Wanted


Good. Movie.

I had heard good things about this movie when it came out, but never got around to seeing it in the theaters.

This is probably because my kids made me see some type of animated shit instead.

Fuck you, Dreamworks. I'm so through with you.

You know...after 'Monsters vs. Aliens' and 'Up' and...

DAMMIT!


Back to 'Wanted.'

The basic plot is some Shia LaBeouf knockoff (James McAvoy) finds out that the father that abandoned him when he was a week old was in actuality a top assassin in a group known as 'The Fraternity.'

His father was also killed a week ago, and now the person who killed his father is now after him.

The Fraternity realizes that he has the same talents his father did and, in an effort to save him, recruits him into the club, trains him, and tasks him with the job of killing this man.

Angelina Jolie plays another assassin, who trains this kid.

(THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, casting director)


There's lots of action, a decent plot, and a really good twist - but I'm not giving it away.

(I only divulge such secrets for sex. Inquire within.)

I was very happy with this movie for a couple of reasons:

1) I got to see an extended shot of Angelina Jolie's bum crack

Have I said 'thank you' yet to the casting director?

Jesus H. Christ.

I need to send that person flowers or some shit.

Fucking genius.


2) It's like 'Bourne Identity' meets 'The Matrix'

Lots of action and car chases and shit.

Plus...you know...

With the added bonus of Angelina Jolie's ass.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four):


Now I have to send this movie back to Netflix.

I've had this thing on 'pause' for so long I'm getting TV Screen burn-in of Angelina's bum.

AWESOME.

Moog out.

********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.