Hotel for Dogs - Animal Control is the AntiChrist!

Yep.

A TWO-MOVIE weekend.

Because I took it upon myself to see two adult movies (well…not ADULT movies…I get those free with my Cinemax subscription), two weeks in a row (Gran Torino and The Wrestler), the Gods of Retribution found it necessary to put out the following movie:

Hotel for Dogs.

Yep.

Hotel for Dogs.


No, I was not drunk.

Of course, my kids wanted to see it.

In the interest of gaining two hours of silence and being able to eat popcorn, I took them to see it.

Honestly...

It wasn’t that bad.

On a related note:

Apparently, I no longer have any standards.


Hotel for Dogs is about a brother (Jake T. Austin) and sister (Emma Roberts) who live with a hideous foster family (Lisa Kudrow (looking like shit) and Kevin Dillon (DRAMA!!!)).

In an effort to track down where their dog (who they have without their foster parents knowing) ran off to, they discover an abandoned hotel that’s home to a couple of strays.

By the way, Don Cheadle plays a Social Worker.

Don Fucking Cheadle.

Don. Hey dude.

What the fuck?

Hotel for fucking Dogs? Is this what it's come to for you?


Sorry. Sorry.

The story becomes the kids’ desire to save any stray they can find in the city, and house them in this abandoned hotel – which they keep running via the brother’s inventions and contraptions.

They employ the help of a few other kids who work in the nearby pet store or are in the neighborhood, in an effort to keep the dogs safe from the city's Animal Protection Officers and impending death.

Because, you know, nothing says ‘family friendly’ more than a couple of kids with dead parents and a bunch of dogs about to be euthanized.


My kids both cried horribly during the movie.

Because of this, I would say that the cutoff age for this movie would be 5 or 6.

My son, Cam, who’s 5 was able to keep his attention.

You know, when he wasn't fucking crying.

The kids cried because I was forced to explain to my 8 year old girl why the Dog Pound sign said ‘We Only Keep Dogs for 72 Hours’ and why the Animal Control Officer left with a dog into the back room…then came back without him.

Me: “Well..honey..if no one comes to take the dog, they put them to sleep.”

Payton: “WHAT?!?”

Then…3/4 through the movie…

...every fucking dog that we’ve grown to know by name through the film gets fucking caught and brought to the pound.

(Insert crying, hysterical 8-year old girl here)

Payton: “BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE DOGS?!?! Will they die?!?”

Ugh.

Me: “No, honey..no. It will be fine…just watch…it will be okay.”

You can hear this conversation everywhere in the theater.

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

THAT’S a fucking conversation I wanted to have today.

Assholes.


In the end, all the dogs are killed because everyone likes puppies better.

I’m kidding.

There’s a happy ending…and the kids ended up really enjoying the movie.

I didn’t think it was all that bad, really. At least, not as bad as I THOUGHT it was going to be.

Except, now my kids want more dogs.

Again…

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

Assholes.

My Score (for kids) :

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


One final thought:

If you’re an Animal Control Officer, I’m assuming you cannot bring your kids to any movie that involves stray dogs.

This is because Animal Control Officers in movies:

1) Want all dogs in the world to just fucking die

2) Hate children – especially children who like dogs

3) Have trademarked the phrase ‘mangy mutts’

If I’m an Animal Control Officer trying to keep these animals safe and in shelters, there’s no fucking way I’m taking my kids to this shit.

They’ll fucking hate me forever.

Kids: “DADDY?!? WHY DO YOU KILL THEM?! WHY DO YOU HATE THE DOGGIES?!?”

Me: “I...I...I don’t honey. I only do this to dogs owned by the people at Nickelodeon.”

Assholes.

Moog out.

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