Hotel for Dogs - Animal Control is the AntiChrist!

Yep.

A TWO-MOVIE weekend.

Because I took it upon myself to see two adult movies (well…not ADULT movies…I get those free with my Cinemax subscription), two weeks in a row (Gran Torino and The Wrestler), the Gods of Retribution found it necessary to put out the following movie:

Hotel for Dogs.

Yep.

Hotel for Dogs.


No, I was not drunk.

Of course, my kids wanted to see it.

In the interest of gaining two hours of silence and being able to eat popcorn, I took them to see it.

Honestly...

It wasn’t that bad.

On a related note:

Apparently, I no longer have any standards.


Hotel for Dogs is about a brother (Jake T. Austin) and sister (Emma Roberts) who live with a hideous foster family (Lisa Kudrow (looking like shit) and Kevin Dillon (DRAMA!!!)).

In an effort to track down where their dog (who they have without their foster parents knowing) ran off to, they discover an abandoned hotel that’s home to a couple of strays.

By the way, Don Cheadle plays a Social Worker.

Don Fucking Cheadle.

Don. Hey dude.

What the fuck?

Hotel for fucking Dogs? Is this what it's come to for you?


Sorry. Sorry.

The story becomes the kids’ desire to save any stray they can find in the city, and house them in this abandoned hotel – which they keep running via the brother’s inventions and contraptions.

They employ the help of a few other kids who work in the nearby pet store or are in the neighborhood, in an effort to keep the dogs safe from the city's Animal Protection Officers and impending death.

Because, you know, nothing says ‘family friendly’ more than a couple of kids with dead parents and a bunch of dogs about to be euthanized.


My kids both cried horribly during the movie.

Because of this, I would say that the cutoff age for this movie would be 5 or 6.

My son, Cam, who’s 5 was able to keep his attention.

You know, when he wasn't fucking crying.

The kids cried because I was forced to explain to my 8 year old girl why the Dog Pound sign said ‘We Only Keep Dogs for 72 Hours’ and why the Animal Control Officer left with a dog into the back room…then came back without him.

Me: “Well..honey..if no one comes to take the dog, they put them to sleep.”

Payton: “WHAT?!?”

Then…3/4 through the movie…

...every fucking dog that we’ve grown to know by name through the film gets fucking caught and brought to the pound.

(Insert crying, hysterical 8-year old girl here)

Payton: “BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE DOGS?!?! Will they die?!?”

Ugh.

Me: “No, honey..no. It will be fine…just watch…it will be okay.”

You can hear this conversation everywhere in the theater.

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

THAT’S a fucking conversation I wanted to have today.

Assholes.


In the end, all the dogs are killed because everyone likes puppies better.

I’m kidding.

There’s a happy ending…and the kids ended up really enjoying the movie.

I didn’t think it was all that bad, really. At least, not as bad as I THOUGHT it was going to be.

Except, now my kids want more dogs.

Again…

Thank you, Nickelodeon.

Assholes.

My Score (for kids) :

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


One final thought:

If you’re an Animal Control Officer, I’m assuming you cannot bring your kids to any movie that involves stray dogs.

This is because Animal Control Officers in movies:

1) Want all dogs in the world to just fucking die

2) Hate children – especially children who like dogs

3) Have trademarked the phrase ‘mangy mutts’

If I’m an Animal Control Officer trying to keep these animals safe and in shelters, there’s no fucking way I’m taking my kids to this shit.

They’ll fucking hate me forever.

Kids: “DADDY?!? WHY DO YOU KILL THEM?! WHY DO YOU HATE THE DOGGIES?!?”

Me: “I...I...I don’t honey. I only do this to dogs owned by the people at Nickelodeon.”

Assholes.

Moog out.

********************

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The Wrestler - He Says 'Go,' She Says 'No'

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

The Wrestler


In a "Moog's Movie Review" first, I have a He Said/She Said review.

You see, I went to see this with my wife.

I need to stop seeing movies with her.

At least the ones I want to see.

Actually, we both wanted to see 'The Wrestler' after hearing and reading the great reviews about the movie and Mickey Rourke's Academy Award nominated performance.

However, my wife also wanted to see "Marley and Me."

Personally, I've heard about how it ends, and didn't want to leave the theater crying and sobbing...

...like I did after spending money to see that giant piece of shit, 'Cloverfield.'


I've digressed.

What you will see here is my review...and it's not a funny one (mark your calendar):

Here it is:

********************

'The Wrestler' stars Mickey Rourke as a "The Ram," a professional wrestler who had his heyday in the 1980's, and was on top of his game and the top of the world.

Fast forward to today, 20 years later, where he's broke in every sense of the word.

Battered and beaten down, we watch as The Ram goes to ridiculous (and very often, VERY gory) lengths to stay in the sport and keep himself in the public eye - where the fans and fellow wrestlers have been his only family.


As he desperately tries to keep his age at bay, he has to come to grips with the fact that he is alone in the world, mostly by his own design.

As his life takes a drastic turn mid-way through the movie, we see him try to change his ways and his legacy. He confides in a stripper (Marisa Tomei) who tries to help him along this path while also confronting her own demons as we realize that she, too, is fighting the same battle in her profession as time goes on.

(side note: Marisa Tomei spends about 20 minutes or so in this movie topless. I had never seen Marisa Tomei's boobs before. They are very nice. I may buy the DVD just for the 'pause' feature.)


When 'The Ram' realizes that he is what he is, and that he cannot or does not have the willpower to change it - we bear witness to him continuing on the path that he has chosen for himself.

The path of being what he's always been - a professional wrestler.

******************

Wow. Deep, eh?

So, here's how the movie went when it ended.

Wife: "Wow. That was the best part."

Me: "What? Then ending?"

Wife: "No. The credits."


She HATED IT.

Me: "WHAT?!?! You didn't like ANY part it?"

*pause

Wife: "No. Not one part. It was boring."

I can see that. Aside from the wrestling scenes, the film is pretty much all character development. This is NOT an action film by any stretch.

So I can see her saying that it was boring.

Me?

I thought Mickey Rourke was excellent.

Some of the scenes were so gory and realistic, that at one point I literally had to turn away from the screen.

I thought the ending was the only way it COULD end.

I thought it was really good. The more I thought about it after, the more I liked it.

My wife? Here's my wife's comparison:

We were in the bedroom and she turned on the lights.

Me: "BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!"

* pause

Me: "Name the movie!"

Sometimes, I quote movies then ask her to guess what movie it's from.

On a related note:

I'm lame.

Wife: "Gremlins. Which was better than 'The Wrestler.'"

My wife liked 'Gremlins' better than 'The Wrestler.'

Give me 20 minutes of Marisa Tomei topless in 'Gremlins,' and I'm with you, honey.

Two scores:

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


My Wife's Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


Before the movie, there was a preview of "Terminator: Salvation" - starring Christian Bale.

Me: "We're SO going to see that."

Wife: "I don't really like Christian Bale."

Man.

I don't even know who she is anymore.

Moog out.

********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

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The X-Files: I Want to Believe - Yeah, I Wanted to Believe Scully Looked Better

Today I'm reviewing a film from my Netflix list:

The X-Files: I Want to Believe


Yeah, I wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe a few things:

1) I wanted to believe I'd remember where the other movie left off.

I didn't.

I was lost.

Things like:

a) Wait...are they boyfriend/girlfriend?

b) Huh? What baby? Did they have a baby?

c) Where are my pants?!?

That last one tends to happen when I watch shit with Gillian Anderson in it.

Me: "Scully..come look at THIS."

* zzziiiiip


2) I wanted to believe that Gillian Anderson would be as hot as I remembered her.

She wasn't.

(pants go back on)


3) I wanted to believe that I'd really like it.

Eh.

The plot revolves around a missing FBI agent and other women...

...a pedophile psychic (shout out to my dad here)...

...and the re-involvement of Scully and Mulder in the search for the missing.

No UFO's.

No monsters.

No big conspiracy.

Eh.

My wife (who used to watch the X-Files with me when it was on TV) summed it up this way:

Wife: "It was like a two-hour long episode of CSI."

Yeah...I'd say that's about right.


My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


I kinda wish it WAS a two hour episode of CSI.

Then they could have cast Marg Helgenberger in Scully's place.

Oh. Yeah.

* zzziiiip


I'M BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY!

Moog out.

*********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

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Gran Torino - (I Learned 60 New Racial Slurs!!)

Today, I'm reviewing the movie:

Gran Torino


Gran Torino stars Clint Eastwood in what is, most likely, his last acting role.

I love Clint Eastwood.

My wife, does not.

Hence, I went to see this alone.

Me: "Honey, why don't you like Clint Eastwood?"

Wife: "I don't like his voice. I can't listen to him. I think the last thing I saw him in was the movie with the monkey."

Ah.

Every Which Way But Loose.

What better measure of a man's distinguished acting career?

Gee...I can't think of one!


Whatever - I went alone.

Now I can masturbate in the popcorn!

Perhaps I've said too much.

In "Gran Torino," Clint Eastwood plays a racist old war veteran who has just buried his wife and now lives alone in a neighborhood that's being taken over by minorities and rival street gangs.

His family is full of ungrateful kids and grandkids who want nothing to do with him other than his money and his prize possession - his 1972 Ford Gran Torino.

When a family of Asians moves next door, Clint goes into full Archie Bunker mode until one of the gangs tries recruiting the son of his neighbor.

Seriously, he pulls out so many epithets that I found it really hard to keep up and write them all down in my notebook to use here at work.

I mean..um...nevermind.


When Clint reluctantly comes to the aid of this boy, things start getting good - and Clint goes into renegade mode. You may find it tough to believe that a person Eastwood's age can pull off the tough-guy routine - but he pulls it off completely.

You do not want to fuck with this guy.

The story evolves into a change of character for Clint, as he befriends the family and neighborhood...and attempts to turn the boy's life around.

I had heard great things about this movie, and was really pumped to see it.

In the end, though, I was like:

"Eh."

It was good.

It was not great.

Clint has some excellent dialogue...and his character is very believable.



The problem is with the supporting cast.

Aside from one guy (the barber), I don't think they could have picked a worse bunch of actors for Clint to work with.

This, for me, took away from the whole movie - as all the dialogue that was NOT Clint's seemed forced.

All the lines from these people seemed...fake...shallow.

Like the vagina on a guy who just got a sex change.

Don't ask me how I know this.

I'd wait for the DVD if I was you - but when it does come out, give it a shot.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse me...

I've got to go rent that movie with the monkey in it, and see what my wife is bitching about.

*********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

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The Tale of Despereaux (or...Ratatouille, Part 2)

Well, it wouldn't be my site if I didn't have a kid's movie to bitch about.

My kids make me see bad movies.

It's what they do.

Today's review:

The Tale of Despereaux


Eh.

I liked this movie better the first time I saw it and it was called Ratatouille.

Seriously.

How many movies can you have about rodents where the plot primarily revolves around soup?

SOUP?!?

Seriously - I'm French, and I don't sit around eating fucking soup all day.

I mean, I like soup..don't get me wrong.

But my world wouldn't end if I couldn't find a packet of Lipton Cup-a-Soup in the fucking house.


The primary difference in this movie is that rats are bad.

Ratatouille = rats are good.

Despereaux = rats are evil.

Way to confuse the kids there.

The main character, Despereaux, is voiced by Matthew Broderick.

I can see this...

...as surely Matthew Broderick is desperATE to stop banging Sarah Jessica Parker.

God - even the mere mention of her name shrinks my dick.


Despereaux is different from other mice in that he is adventurous, considerate and has courage.

How he teaches these traits to others through his actions is primarily the moral of the story.

Oh yeah - and rats are like little tiny Rachael Rays with longer tails.

Evil, I say. Evil.

This movie SHOULD have been better with the cast of characters:

Dustin Hoffman

Emma Watson

Kevin Kline

William H. Macy

Christopher Lloyd

Sigourney Weaver

Listen - if they ever make an actual movie with all these people in it, it's gonna be good.

This one?

Not so much.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

My kids liked it, so I gave it an extra 1/2 splat.

Excuse me, now.

I'm dying for some soup.

I am French, you know.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - It's a Long Fucking Curious Case

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


This movie is GOOD.

However...that said...

This movie is LONG.

Like, really, really fucking long.

Like, "John Holmes' penis is now a movie" long.

That's a long friggin' movie.


For me, a two-hour movie is pretty much my cutoff point where I start to lose interest.

There are a few notable exceptions to this rule:

1) Titanic

2) Forrest Gump

3) Any of the "Gonzo" porn movies I have hidden in the house...I mean...seriously...six hours of porn on ONE TAPE?! AWESOME!!

But I've digressed.


The plot revolves around Brad Pitt as the title character, as he goes through life.

This would be a non-plot if it wasn't for the fact that Benjamin Button is aging backwards.

He's born old, and gets younger as he gets older.

Hence, the 'curious' part of the title.

Think of this as a modern-day "Forrest Gump" without the comedic parts, or famous people making cameos, but with the odd twist of how someone sees life as the people around him grow old and die...

...and you've pretty much got the movie.

My wife gave it this synopsis:

"Beginning is awesome...ending is awesome. But they could have done away with the whole middle."

My synopsis:

If you can sit through a three-hour movie, then GO SEE THIS.

If you can't, then wait til it comes out on DVD and then fast-forward through the entire portion that has Tilda Swinton in it.

Not only is that a fairly useless part of the movie, but they couldn't have picked anyone uglier for the part.


It's like looking at the bottom of a foot.

She Fugly.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


I would have given it 3-1/2 splats, but the whole length and Tilda thing did me in from that extra 1/2.

Now...speaking of length...

...where did I hide my Gonzo?

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Valkyrie - The One-Eyed Monster is Good

Today, I have a review of the movie:

Valkyrie


That's right.

I finally got out of the fucking house and got to go see a movie.

THREE, in fact.

Reviews of all are upcoming.

Hey...don't pretend your nipples aren't hard. I know they are.

Oh yeah..movie review...

(sometimes, I just go off on a tangent. I go off. Get off. I get off...FUCK.. there I go again)

Valkyrie is a story about a German assassination attempt against Adolph Hitler, pulled off by officers in his own army.

I wanted to see this for a few reasons:

1) I had never heard the story before

2) I needed to get out of the fucking house after spending a week home on vacation with my kids JESUS H. CHRIST CAN I HAVE TWO MINUTES PEACE?!?!? JUST TWO?!?!?

3) You don't get to see pirates anymore, and Tom Cruise with an eyepatch looks like a pirate if you can block out the Nazi uniform.

So, off I went by myself.

The story is a good one, but has the following drawback:

You already know how it ends.

It's not like you're sitting there going:

"C'mon...c'mon...this is gonna work..."

So, you know, they fail.

By the way, if this was a spoiler for you, you're a fucking idiot.

Speaking of idiots, I found myself doing this at one point in the movie:

Scene: Tom Cruise's character is introduced to Hitler.

Officer (to Hitler): "My Fuehrer, this is Colonel von Stauffenberg."

Hitler looks up with a scowl...

...glances over...

...says nothing, and returns to what he was doing.

And I thought:

Me: "Wow. That was rude."

Um...Rod?

Hitler!

Duh.


So, that's the plot and the movie...with an ending you already know.

But, the ride, and how everything gets put into place and ultimately unravels, is worth the watch.

There's not a whole lot of actual acting or dialogue, which is good, because the one broad in the theater...

(seriously...WW2 movies are complete sausage-fests)

...happened to be sitting three seats away from me and was busy crinkling her fucking candy bag or whatever the Hell she was eating for the majority of the movie OH MY GOD WILL YOU JUST OPEN THE FUCKING THING?!? JUST OPEN IT!!!

Sorry.

I hate people.

So did Hitler.

I wish this would have worked.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Go see it.

But, if you go, OPEN YOUR CANDY FIRST.

It just may save your life.

Moog out.

***********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.