A Seal, A Lesbian, and Some Majorly Ripped Abs

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please…

...you’re embarrassing yourselves.

Now…let’s get started.

This past weekend, my family and I went to see “Nim’s Island.”

For those of you without kids, this movie may not ring a bell with you.

Let’s take a look at why:

(Nim’s Island commercial comes on):

People with kids:

“That looks cute. Hey kids, want to see that this weekend? There’s a silly seal in it!”

People without kids:

People without kids say nothing because they’re having sex and doing all kinds of other fun sh*t besides talking about movies with f*cking silly seals in it.


Anyway…

At an hour-and-a-half long, my son – who is four – found the movie a little long.

Four year olds tend to feel this way about movies when there’s:

1) nothing exploding
2) nothing animated
3) some type of plot that doesn't involve a talking sponge

Actually...this also describes my criteria for a movie as well.


Anyway...

My son also has the memory of a snail and, as such, has to ask me about every person or thing in every scene for the duration of the entire movie.

Son: “Who’s that daddy?”

Me: “Well...that’s Nim.”

(Nim, while dancing turns to face away from the camera…then spins back around)

Son: “Who’s that girl?”

Me: “I just told you. That’s Nim.”

Son: “Who’s Nim?”

*pause*

Me: “I’m not your real father.”


Anyway…about the movie...

The movie stars:

- Abigail Breslin (the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine” (I LOVE this movie, and probably would have liked “Nim” even more if Steve Carell reprised his role as the mental uncle here)

- Jodie Foster (as far as Lesbos go, she’s a pretty hot one)

- Gerard Butler (the lead guy from the movie “300” - another kick-ass testosterone-fueled blood-n-guts movie that I LOVE)

- A sea lion that plays soccer

- A lizard that makes noise (seriously…do lizards actually make noise? I have no idea)

- A pelican that’s apparently smarter than the three human actors combined.


The movie is entirely aimed at kids…

…so most of what happens here is not the least bit believable.

If you understand this going in, you’ll be fine and can tolerate the “plot.”

Otherwise, you’ll be sitting through the whole movie looking like the people left in the theater at the end of "Cloverfield"…

…or how I looked at the end of “No Country for Old Men.”

People at the end of “Cloverfield”: “..what the…?”

Me at the end of “No Country”: “..what the…?”


Got it? Expect nothing, mom and dad.

It’s aimed at kids.

I was surprised, though, at one scene in the movie.

Gerard Butler and Jodi Foster were standing at the edge of the volcano crater.

Suddenly, he shouts:

“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!”…

…then kicked the bitch in.

F*cking Aay! Awesome!

Sorry..sorry…that’s what I was HOPING would happen.

But how f*cking COOL would THAT have been?!


Anyway…

There’s a dead mom (making this an instant children’s classic), a basic plot, and – again - that awesome dude from “300.”

As such, my daughter (who is 7, and can remember things for longer than 2 minutes at a time) enjoyed the movie…

My wife and I thought it was bearable.

By "bearable," I mean that I hadn't carved my eyes out with a spork by the end of it.

I’d ask my son’s opinion, but I don’t think he remembers actually watching it.

Me: “Cam, did you enjoy Nim’s Island?”

Son: “Nim who?”

You can find my son in the parking lot of the movie theater.

I left him there.

Don’t worry, he’s wearing a dog tag with our address on it.

Anyway...we have two scores:

People with Kids:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats


People without kids:

1 Moog Splat (or 2 Moog Splats if you’re making out in the theater and can pull off the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick)



To see my other movie reviews, you can click here.

Enjoy your weekend.

Moog out.