Eat Sh*t, Alvin

In light of the fact that there will be a several day posting layoff due to the Christmas break (I’ll be back on Wednesday), I’ve come up with just a few random things to talk of today and tomorrow.

As a side note on that:

I apologize to my Jewish / Buddhist / Muslim / *insert non-Christmas-celebrating religion here* readers for the delay in my future posts.

It’s a Jesus thing...sorry.

I didn’t schedule it.


Anyway…

Today, you get Story #1.

...which is about #2.

I have faith in you, you'll figure it out.

Story #1:
My Hellish viewing of "Alvin and the Chipmunks"

My kids wanted to see this movie.

Actually I wanted to see this movie.

Because, viewing the commercial for it, nothing says “funny” to me more than a chipmunk eating another chipmunk’s sh*t.


So we went.

Things went south from there.

Directly in front of my son, sat “Giant headed former football player” guy.

This guy’s head was the size of a Volkswagen.

Actually…I could have sat comfortably on this guy as his hat.

Big melon. BIG melon.

As such, my son had a rough time seeing the movie at first…

…as not only did this guy have a gigantic melon…but the fat shit couldn’t get comfortable.


You know these assholes.

Sometimes they lean over to the right….

You prick.

…you counter by leaning to the left…

Then they COME back over to the left…

Ugh…

So you lean to the right…

Then they lean FORWARD.

FORWARD?!?

OH, COME ON!!!

…eventually, Jabba gets comfortable.

Phew.

However, notice that I said my son had a hard time seeing the movie “at first.”

This is because the daughter that was with this family in front of us got sick.

Yep.

Shortly after the movie started…the little girl got sick.


They stood up...

...the girl (for some odd reason) had to actually look at us and announce that "she was feeling sick..."

…and they left.

"Bye…sick girl. Let us know how you make out."

I didn't say that.

Because, seriously…I don’t need to know why you’re leaving.

Just leave.

..and take your father with elephantitus of the skull along with you.

Awesome.

Now, all I know is…

FREE ROW IN FRONT!

My son was happy. He could see.

So...we resumed watching the movie.

During which, I'm thinking two things:

1) Theodore is the cutest chipmunk. Richard Gere would be all up in that sh*t.

2) Jason Lee looks better with his porno moustache on “My Name is Earl.”


Then…

…halfway through the movie…

…I heard it.

*SPLAT*

I look around…

..huh?...wha…?

Again:

*SPLAAAAAAT*

I look to my right.

Two seats over, the kid next to me is throwing up all over the floor in front of him.

OH, COME THE F*CK ON!!!!! REALLY?!?!?


It’s not chunky puke…it’s liquid puke…which means it’s now migrating it’s way towards me…and over the drop of the stadium seating to the row in front.

Let’s check the score.

I’ve been in the theater for 40 minutes…

...and we’ve already lost TWO children in the audience to sickness.

I look down at my popcorn.

Does BARRY work here part time?

Is he on concession snack duty?!?!?


Am I eating poop-corn?!

I’m waiting for my ass to explode in a bout of diarrhea formerly unknown to mankind. It was only a matter of time. I was sure of it.

But it didn’t happen.

And we decided not to move to the row in front…as the vomit had now cascaded, waterfall-style, to said row…


Ugh.

So..back to the movie…

This is when the baby screaming starts in from the front of the theater.

This is an enjoyable experience. Truly.

..so happy I paid money for this.

Vomit…

…babies…

…the anticipation of being rendered helpless by a bout of explosive diarrhea…

Lovely.

Luckily, the chipmunk scat scene saved the whole experience for me...as I knew it would.

Hooray for rodent poo.



"Was the movie good?"

Well, I'm not getting paid for movie reviews. But, I didn't think it was bad for a kid's movie.

My friend, Johnny V., though Instant Message'd me the other day, telling me that HE saw it.

His overall synopsis and review of "Alvin" was summed up like this:

"I considered lighting myself on fire in order to get out of the theater."

Interesting. Self-immolation.

I guess that's ONE way to get out of watching it.

Although, with my movie theater track record, he probably would have been in the same theater as I was when he did it.