Reviews. Ratings. Stories. The "Dick in the Popcorn" trick.

If it's about a movie...or going to a movie...or, Christ, even watching TV...you'll find it here in "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"Twilight" - A Guest BOOK Review!

Well, we've branched out.

I've had plenty of Guest Reviews for movies before.

But here, we get our first Guest BOOK Review.

Thanks, PkmnTrainerJ.

Here, without further ado, is a book review from PkmnTrainerJ for:

Twilight



FYI...

If you're looking for a guest MOVIE review of Twilight, you can find it here.

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The email:

Hey moog,

So long as there's a picture of the book at the top, and some thing highlighting how much of a fag that Robert Pattison/Patterson(?) is, I think this should be fine with a bit of your moogy magic.

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The review of Twilight:

What a load of utter bollocks.

People claimed that the Twilight series would be the ‘next Harry Potter’ and I should have learned to ignore the whole ‘next
’ advertising by now, especially with Heroes being spread about as the next Lost, when it doesn’t come anywhere near close.

Ah Lost, you are so damn sexy. Mmm...Lost.

Back to Twilight.

If you don’t know, Twilight is a book series by Stephanie Meyer, and is now also a film series.

In it, there’s a pale emo girl called Bella, some vampire guy called Edward I think, and in later books some werewolf comes in to make a love triangle. How you can screw up great science fiction/fantasy figures such as vampires and werewolves this badly is beyond me.

The best description I’ve ever heard for this book is “self-insertion fan fiction” from someone I follow on Twitter.

When you’re seeing things on websites like “oh, I want to be with Edward sooo much lolololol” & “I wonder what Bella’s baby will be called, I hope it will be half werewolf” etcetera, etcetera it certainly holds true.

I started up the book with an incredibly slow start, and I set it down for a few days and tried to get back in to it later on. I stopped again soon after and wondered whether the allure was just for female folk as mentioned above, but I could watch something like Buffy easily, and basically liked the Underworld films which utilised the whole vampire romance thing + werewolves, so thought that must be it.

Then, a colleague at work came in early, and said he was reading Twilight while waiting for his shift to start.

I thought of two things.

A) He’s a big queermo, in which case all the things he’s said to me have not been in jest

B) Maybe it’s just me that doesn’t get the book.

I told him it was the worst book I’ve ever read, and he started to defend it.

Our conversation was finished with me saying “Vampires. That. Glitter” and then he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the shift. Or again...oh well, no big loss.

THEY FUCKING GLITTER. NO DEATH. JUST GLITTER AND SPARKLES.

So, I tried picking it up once again when I got home, and just couldn’t do it.

It’s so terribly shit.

It’s the kind of stuff you’d expect from someone in Year 4 or 5 (about 5th Grade for America) if they wrote a short story that had to include, themselves, two fantasy races and a love story.

I only managed to get about 150 pages in to it, before I could see where the story was going, with the weird lab, the pale girl and the vampire bloke, and didn’t give a shit.

I wasn’t invested in the story because Bella hadn’t been built up very well at all. This is the only book I’ve started reading and never finished. It was that bad.

If you’re a guy, I wouldn’t advise getting this book.

If you have a girlfriend, don’t get her this book.

If you’re a woman, you already have this book, and will comment to complain at me.

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So, I don't get it, PkmnJ...did you like it or what?

I guess it's a mystery.


Anyway, that's Pkmn's take on Twilight for my first ever Guest Book Review.

Thanks, dude!

Go check him out, folks. He's a good guy and apparently has issues with really shitty books.

Moog out.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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2 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

My wife had to read this book so that she could put together a party for the release of the last book in the series.

She hated it. She said there was no character development, the plot was full of holes, and the writing was akin to something a third grader would crank out.

So, it's not just you, PkmnTrainer J. The book sucks. I think if she didn't have to return the book to the store, she would have wiped her ass on each individual page and then burnt it.

coffeypot said...

I could have saved you a few words in your review. I didn't read the books and the movie sucked.

Thank you!