"Twilight" - A Guest BOOK Review!

Well, we've branched out.

I've had plenty of Guest Reviews for movies before.

But here, we get our first Guest BOOK Review.

Thanks, PkmnTrainerJ.

Here, without further ado, is a book review from PkmnTrainerJ for:

Twilight



FYI...

If you're looking for a guest MOVIE review of Twilight, you can find it here.

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The email:

Hey moog,

So long as there's a picture of the book at the top, and some thing highlighting how much of a fag that Robert Pattison/Patterson(?) is, I think this should be fine with a bit of your moogy magic.

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The review of Twilight:

What a load of utter bollocks.

People claimed that the Twilight series would be the ‘next Harry Potter’ and I should have learned to ignore the whole ‘next ’ advertising by now, especially with Heroes being spread about as the next Lost, when it doesn’t come anywhere near close.

Ah Lost, you are so damn sexy. Mmm...Lost.

Back to Twilight.

If you don’t know, Twilight is a book series by Stephanie Meyer, and is now also a film series.

In it, there’s a pale emo girl called Bella, some vampire guy called Edward I think, and in later books some werewolf comes in to make a love triangle. How you can screw up great science fiction/fantasy figures such as vampires and werewolves this badly is beyond me.

The best description I’ve ever heard for this book is “self-insertion fan fiction” from someone I follow on Twitter.

When you’re seeing things on websites like “oh, I want to be with Edward sooo much lolololol” & “I wonder what Bella’s baby will be called, I hope it will be half werewolf” etcetera, etcetera it certainly holds true.

I started up the book with an incredibly slow start, and I set it down for a few days and tried to get back in to it later on. I stopped again soon after and wondered whether the allure was just for female folk as mentioned above, but I could watch something like Buffy easily, and basically liked the Underworld films which utilised the whole vampire romance thing + werewolves, so thought that must be it.

Then, a colleague at work came in early, and said he was reading Twilight while waiting for his shift to start.

I thought of two things.

A) He’s a big queermo, in which case all the things he’s said to me have not been in jest

B) Maybe it’s just me that doesn’t get the book.

I told him it was the worst book I’ve ever read, and he started to defend it.

Our conversation was finished with me saying “Vampires. That. Glitter” and then he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the shift. Or again...oh well, no big loss.

THEY FUCKING GLITTER. NO DEATH. JUST GLITTER AND SPARKLES.

So, I tried picking it up once again when I got home, and just couldn’t do it.

It’s so terribly shit.

It’s the kind of stuff you’d expect from someone in Year 4 or 5 (about 5th Grade for America) if they wrote a short story that had to include, themselves, two fantasy races and a love story.

I only managed to get about 150 pages in to it, before I could see where the story was going, with the weird lab, the pale girl and the vampire bloke, and didn’t give a shit.

I wasn’t invested in the story because Bella hadn’t been built up very well at all. This is the only book I’ve started reading and never finished. It was that bad.

If you’re a guy, I wouldn’t advise getting this book.

If you have a girlfriend, don’t get her this book.

If you’re a woman, you already have this book, and will comment to complain at me.

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So, I don't get it, PkmnJ...did you like it or what?

I guess it's a mystery.

Anyway, that's Pkmn's take on Twilight for my first ever Guest Book Review.

Thanks, dude!

Go check him out, folks. He's a good guy and apparently has issues with really shitty books.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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"He's Just Not That Into You" - (Thank Christ)

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

He's Just Not That Into You


Let me get this out front and say that the ONLY fucking reason that it was on my Netflix list is because my wife wanted it there.

Sometimes I let her win.

Regardless, let's get to it.

See that movie poster up there for the movie?

It could easily be replaced with this one:


What a giant piece of dogshit.

Listen, you know a chick flick is shit when the woman who wanted to watch it in the first place says this at the closing credits:

Wife: "Well. That was a giant waste of two hours."

Two hours?

Try two hours, nine minutes.

Killing myself would take less time, and I'd probably laugh more doing it.

The two bright spots:

1) Scarlett Johansson is in it AND getting her boobs groped while wearing a bra!

2) See #1.

There were more fucking people in one of the most convoluted 'he said'/'she said' plots than Jon and Kate discussing who they were going to have an affair with next.


Mmmm.

Kate.

Sure, it would be like screwing an open window after her 8 kids...but whatever.

Regardless, this crapfest makes it on my 'Moog's Awful Movie List.'

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four)


The single splat is simply to acknowledge Scarlett's sweet, sweet boobies.

So, I guess there WERE two reasons to like the movie.

Her left one, and her right one.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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"The Day the Earth Stood Still" - Less Keanu, More Big Robot, Please

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

The Day the Earth Stood Still


Further proof that Keanu Reeves is a phenomenal acting talent.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

I had never seen the original movie and, therefore, did not know what to expect from this one.

However, Rottentomatoes.com lists the approval rating for this flick at 21%.

That means only 1 out of 5 people liked this movie.

I was one of those 5.


I mean..it was not REALLY REALLY REALLY bad...

...but it also was not a little good, either.

Keanu Reeves plays an alien representing a larger faction of Aliens concerned with the state of our planet.

As such, Keanu comes to Earth to save it.

The key here is that he's saving the EARTH...not necessarily the people on it.

(queue porn music)

Woops..wrong music.

(queue suspense music)

Keanu really stretches his acting skills here by having absolutely NO inflection in his voice in any of his lines...

...and I think that maybe I actually saw him turn his head once.

Did someone say Oscar nomination?!?!

*cricket

Sorry.

Stupid question.


Helping to not get Keanu killed by angry Americans is Jennifer Connelly, reprising her role in another movie as an 'is she hot...or would she be really really hot if she just trimmed those fucking eyebrows?' chick.

Seriously...those eyebrows.

They're, like, caterpillar thick.

I'm still on the fence about her.


Regardless...she tries to change Keanu's mind about destroying civilization in order to save the planet.

Does she do it?

Will Jennifer Connelly's eye-caterpillars live to see another day?


You'll have to watch it to find out.

Unless you don't want to watch it.

Which is probably a good idea.

My score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Please excuse me now.

I have to Google more pictures of Jennifer Connelly.

This mystery ain't gonna solve itself, people.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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"Terminator: Salvation" - Don't Bale if You Like the Series

Today I'm reviewing:

Terminator: Salvation


We're gonna keep this one really short today for two reasons:

1) I'm working

2) I have to poop

I guess I could have combined those two since I really put a lot of effort into my shits.

Whatever.


I got a chance to break away this weekend and see Terminator: Salvation.

I was pretty bummed out after seeing rottentomatoes.com reviews of it...which pretty much said it sucked more ass than Ellen Degeneres trying to save Portia De Rossi from a runaway anal hamster.

Wow.

I'll be dreaming of that shit tonight.

Hooray for me!


Regardless, I went to see it anyway because I had a free pass to the movies.

Hint: If you complain about ANYTHING at the movies, they give you free passes.

Noisy fat assfuck with his hat on fucking sideways in the front row?

Free pass.

No sound for 3.4 seconds of the previews?

Free pass.

Popcorn too salty?

Listen...I know I was the one putting the salt on the popcorn but, seriously, you don't have ANY warning labels about the speed of the pour on the shakers.

Free pass.

You're welcome.

I've digressed.

Here is my synopsis in a nutshell:

If you are a fan of the Terminator series (and I am one of them), you will like this movie.

There are tie-ins to every single other movie - some subtle, some not so subtle, and some you go HOLY FUCKSHIT that was cool!

Guy yelling "Holy Fuckshit that was cool!" in the movie?

Free pass.

Doesn't matter that it was me.

Regardless, since Christian Bale actually stars in about 5 minutes of the fucking movie, don't ignore it just because you can't fucking stand him.

He's almost a non-character.

HOWEVER...

If you know very little or nothing about the Terminator series, this is NOT the place to learn.

You'll be lost and it will just look like a movie with lots of robots and fighting and shit.

Which is still fucking cool but since you didn't see the other Terminators you fucking loser you're gonna be lost.

Then you can complain that the movie was confusing.

Free pass.

I have to give this one two scores:

My Score for Fans of the Terminator series:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


My Score for newbies (i.e., losers - seriously...Terminator? What the fuck is wrong with you not knowing fucking TERMINATOR?!):

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Don't like my two scores?

Free pass.

Seriously. Try this shit.

You're welcome again.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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"Up" - Get Up and Go

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

UP


Finally.

After seeing the horrible fuckshow known as "Night at the Museum 2"...

...I get a movie that is WORTH seeing.

Well worth it.

Suffice it to say, "Up" has earned a place in my top 20 movie list of all time.

Easily.

Yes.

A Pixar animated film has justly joined the ranks of such greats as:

1) Jaws

2) Braveheart

3) The Fugitive

4) Dr. Gonzo's Six-Hour Anything Goes SexFest Extravaganza

Six hours...plus lesbian action...three ways...AND anal?

You don't get much better that THAT, my friends.


Where was I?

Oh.

Up.

To be honest, the movie may be a bit slow and/or confusing for those kids 5 and under...

...as the first 20 minutes of the movie outlines the main character, Mr. Fredrickson, from childhood to old age.

In this period, he meets his wife as a young boy...and the beginning of the film outlines their life together and, eventually, her death.

During this period of the movie, there is VERY little dialog...so very young ones may find themselves fidgeting a bit and needing to have the synopsis here explained.

That being said:

GO SEE IT ANYWAY.

Mr. Frederickson takes it upon himself to see to it that his wife's desire for a life of adventure not go to waste.

This is similar to my desire for adventure.

Unfortunately, 'adventure' for me means 'getting the mail.'

I'm sad sometimes.


Mr. Frederickson thusly rigs his home (on the verge of destruction by a local builder) with enough helium-filled balloons to transport him to the land of "Paradise Falls," a mythical place in South America where he and his wife always dreamed of going.

Things go awry, though, when a local Cub Scout named "Russell" becomes an unwanted stow away.

Long story short, the house eventually lands on "Paradise Falls" which is populated by a rare animal, a man who is trying to hunt it and his pack of obedient dogs outfitted with collars that allow them to talk.

Mr. Frederickson and Russell take it upon themselves to help save the animal from the hunter and - in the end - find their own adventure and a true and lasting friendship.

This movie has something for everyone, and is definitely worth the price of admission.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

I still have 5 hours and 45 minutes of my Dr. Gonzo video to watch.

At 5 minutes per viewing, this is gonna take me forever.

Moog out.


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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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