King Kong: Attack of the Ariolas

Hey kids!!

Well - another one of our readers has sent me his very own guest review.

(If you have a movie you want to review, just send it to me. I have the instructions at the end of the review)

This one comes from tonka_boy.

He decided to go old school and review King Kong.

Not the Peter Jackson one with Jack Black and the guy with the big nose.


Not the one with f'ing screaming hot Jessica Lange.


No.

The OLD one with people who, I'm pretty sure, are all dead now.

Here it is.

Enjoy.

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BTW, you may be wondering who the hell Norm Rogers is, and is he really a loyal reader? In reality, I show up in your community as tonka_boy. You've seen my picture in your side bar - dashingly handsome guy with hat & sunglasses. Yeah, that's me.

Anyway, I've got a movie review for you. You can use all or part of it, add anything you want. You don't have to link to my blog. It's rather a different genre than most of your other readers.

Photos attached.

King Kong - 1933 - directed by Merian Cooper & Ernest Schoedsack. Staring Fay Wray and . . . nobody f *ucking cares who else is in it.


This film was produced in a time before movies had two titles. Now days, every movie has a second title, like . . .

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

The Mummy: Tomb of the Emperor Dragon

Batman: The Dark Knight

The reason that movies have two titles these days is to remind the viewer they are being totally, f*cking bored out their skulls by a different - Star Wars, Mummy, or Batman than the last one they watched.

Luckily, there are enough AD-HD folks watching movies today to keep Hollywood in business.

But I've digressed.

If the 1933 version of King Kong were to have a two titles, it would be . . .

King Kong: Hey Kids, Lets Look at Fay Wray's nipples!

At this point, my female readers can click to another site (unless you can enjoy the niceties of the female form, in which case, please send me photos of your favorite female form).

But I've digressed . . . again.

The first half of King Kong (1933) is all about Fay Wray's lovely nipples poking through any sheer material the costume department could possibly put together.


The second half of the movie is about a big monkey or some such nonsense.

Interestingly, censors cut some scenes from the movie in the late 30s, but they were later restored by horny, red blooded film historians - obviously more in touch with their inner male child.

The great thing about this movie is you can watch it with the Mrs or the kids, and no one will know that you are fixated on those two perky, little spots on the screen.


You can get this classic from most rental outlets - but make sure you get the 1933 version, staring Fay Wray. You may be disappointed by a more current rip-off showing Jessica Lang in a body stocking.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

You can watch all the plasticine porn you want, but in this flick, it's what you don't see that makes it all worth while.

I give it 4 nips.

(Editor's Note: I'm changing this to the "Splat" format...you know...for consistency):

Tonka_Boy's score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



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Thanks, Tonka!!!

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Definitely, Maybe...I'm Stalking Abigail Breslin

Dear Abigail Breslin,

I don't know how to quit you.

Love,

Moog.

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Today at Moog's Movie Reviews I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix List:

Definitely, Maybe


Something is wrong with me.

Why? WHY?!?

Because this is, like, the third f*cking movie I've watched in the past year with Abigail Breslin.

I'm starting to feel like I'm stalking her.

First, I saw "Little Miss Sunshine" (not reviewed here yet...you either love or hate this movie...I LOVE this movie)...

...then "Nim's Island"...

...and now "Definitely, Maybe."

I'm expecting some sort of restraining order to arrive shortly.


The other female players?

1) The hot nympho chick from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" (Elizabeth Banks)
2) The hot nympho chick from "Wedding Crashers" (Isla Fisher)
3) Rachel Weisz (not sure if she's played a hot nympho chick in anything...but if she has, PLEASE let me know about it)

The guys in the movie?

1) Kevin Kline (a small bit part...but every scene he's in is AWESOME)
2) That asshole who is engaged to Scarlett Johansson

Curse you, Ryan Reynolds!! CURSE YOU TO HELL!!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot involves Ryan Reynolds (asshole) telling his daughter (Abigail Breslin) a story about his mother.

The twist here is that, in the story, there are three woman intertwined in his life.

His daughter has to guess which of these three women he's talking about are actually her mother.

Weird premise...but once you get what he's doing, it works.

I found it very funny at parts, although it could have worked better with TWO women instead of three...

...as the telling of three stories starts to drag the movie a bit too long for my liking.

Overall, I liked it enough to NOT give it under two splats.

My score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Stay tuned when I review, "Kit Kitteredge: An American Girl"...

...starring Abigail Breslin.

Jesus H. Christ.

I need help.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Star Wars: The Clone Wars (hey!!...is that a PLOT?!!)

Even in cartoon form, Natalie Portman is hot.

Just sayin'.

This weekend, I took the kids to see:

Star Wars: The Clone Wars



Star Wars Clone Wars.

Is it me, or is having the word "Wars" twice in one title bad grammar?

Maybe it's maybe me, maybe.

Whatever.

I actually enjoyed this movie.

It's short at an hour and a half....

...which is perfect for my attention spa...

OOH! CATERPILLAR!!

Sorry.


There is actually a plot you can FOLLOW.

This is completely unlike Star Wars episodes 1, 2 and 3...

...which required the aid of a deciphering ring from George Lucas himself to figure out what the f*ck was going on.

Since it's animated, they can get away with a lot more over-the-top action sequences and stuff...which was perfect in keeping my son entertained.

My daughter fell asleep about halfway through.

Girls. They're so icky.

Pros:
Decent plot you can follow. Good animated action sequences. Natalie Portman's character still somehow manages to turn me on even though it's a f*cking cartoon.

Cons:
I don't remember Anakin Skywalker being funny or lighthearted in any of the Star Wars movies. Here, he's basically Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Kinda weird if you follow Star Wars.

Overall, my score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...

Excuse me while I go work on my light saber in the men's room.


Oh yeah, Queen Amidala....you know you want it.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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The Mummy: Tomb of the Emperor Dragon (and only one hot Asian chick)

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I take my 5 and 7 year old kids to PG-13 movies and have to explain stuff like:

Actor: "I'm gonna KICK. YOUR. ASS!!!"

Daughter: "Daddy? What's an ass?"

Awesome.

And the answer is:

Me.

I'm an ass.

Today, I'm reviewing:

"The Mummy: Tomb of the Emperor Dragon"


Let's see:

I've reviewed two Brendan Frasier movies in two weeks (here's the first one).

And, recently, Paris Hilton put together a lucid point on environmental policy.

Um.

RUN PEOPLE.

Apparently, The Apocalypse is upon us.


I heard awful, horrible things about this movie from Rottentomatoes.com before I went to see it.

It said stuff like:

"Too many special effects."

"Too much slapstick humor."

"Maria Bello somehow manages to have smaller breasts than Rachael Ray. How is that f*cking possible? It's like she's a friggin' boy. Where's Rachel Weisz?!? Is she home, right now, planning new ways to stalk me?"

One of the above may not have been on Rottentomatoes.com.


My thinking was:

"Slapstick humor + special effects = fun for kids."

And I was right.

Mark your calendar. That doesn't happen often.

The kids really liked it.

I thought it wasn't nearly as bad as the reviews made it out to be.

Popcorn fun movie, and better if you've got kids.

Kids that know what "ass" is, anyway. As the above conversation regarding "ass" actually took place during this movie with my daughter.

Remind me to never do PG-13 with them again.

Overall, my score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...

I'm heading off to my bomb shelter with the family.

This Frasier/Hilton thing has seriously got me spooked.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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The Reaping (is Swank a Skank?)

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!
Where I rate movies using the patented (not really) "Mooge Splat" system.

Here a splat, there a splat...everywhere a splat splat.

Just like in the shower with a new bar of Dial.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Today's review is off my Netflix list:

The Reaping


Here's my review:

Eh.

It's a horror movie about a religious skeptic (Hillary Swank) sent to debug a "miracle" that is happening in a town in the center of the bible-belt.

All kinds of apocalyptic things happen...

(i.e., Scarlett Johannson gets engaged...Jessica Alba has a baby)

...and the shit starts hitting the fan.

The movie?

Not that great. Not that bad.

I've seen worse. I've seen better.

There's a decent twist in the movie that gives it some life, but it may be a little too late for some people.

Overall, my score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, onto the REAL Question:

Is Hilary Swank hot or not?

My wife and I disagree on this.

Sometimes, she's hot. Like in this movie...she's pretty hot.


Sometimes, she's just okay.


Sometimes, she resembles a chewed callous.


Help me out.

Is Swank a skank?

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Vantage Point(less)

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I like to watch movies with "Jiffy Pop."

Ironically, "Jiffy Pop" also describes me having sex.

Girls can be mean.

Today's review is from my Netflix list:

Vantage Point


Here's how to determine whether or not you're going to like Vantage Point in a nutshell:

If you are watching something with someone that requires rewinding/fast forwarding (i.e., Tivo, DVR, etc.)...

...and the person with the clicker keeps fast-forwarding TOO far...

...or rewinding TOO far...

...and then has to fast-forward AGAIN...

...but then the motherf*cker goes TOO F*CKING FAR YET AGAIN...

...and now you're like:

"JUST STOP F*CKING REWINDING AND SH*T ALREADY - YOU SUCK WITH THAT F*CKING REMOTE!!"

Then skip this movie.


Here's why.

The movie starts out following Dennis Quaid. This is a good thing.

Dennis Quaid is awesome - and he's no different in this movie.

However, Dennis' story takes, like, 15 minutes to tell.

Then what happens?

Well...

IT F*CKING REWINDS.

Yes...the movie rewinds.

It even does the whole *ZWIP ZWIZZLE ZWIP* rewinding noises that VCR's make.

Ugh.


This, in and of itself isn't bad.

If it happens, say, ONCE.

However, after the SIXTH F*CKING TIME THIS HAPPENS, you're sitting there going:

"OH, COME ON!! Just tell the f*cking story already."

The movie ends up being told from no less than six different "Vantage Points" (HEY! I get the title now!)...

...but after each one:

*ZWIP ZWIZZLE ZWIP*

MOTHER. F*CKER.

I was ready to put my foot through the TV after the fourth one. I mean, four HAS to be the limit of this shit, right?

RIGHT?!?

Wrong.

The only saving grace to this movie is that Forest Whitaker is in it, so you have at least some time to sit there and say:

"Jesus H. Christ that man is f*cking ugly."


Sigourney Weaver is also in it for about two minutes, but she isn't 20 years old and in panties like she was in the first Alien movie, so I kind of ignored her.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Wow...

...those splats actually look like Forest Whitaker.

That dude is f*cking ugly.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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