Journey to the Center of Mediocrity

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where, quite frankly, I think the ushers are sick of seeing me regularly, and are now starting to push me around when I show up.

This is why I pee on the floor.

Yeah...

...that ain't butter you're stepping in.

Today, I'm reviewing "Journey to the Center of the Earth."


Starring Brendan Frasier.

So, pretty much, you know right off it's probably gonna suck ass.

BINGO!!


Interestingly, the reviews I read PRIOR to seeing said something like this:

"See it in 3D. Otherwise, it's not very good."

Um.

Well...I SAW it in 3D and didn't think it was very good.

So I can only imagine the amount of suckitude it displayed in regular 2D.

Fine..fine...

...it wasn't THAT bad.

As long as you KNOW you're not going in to see some great literary masterpiece...it may be worth the matinee fee. Nothing more than that, though.

In the end:

My kids really liked it.

The 3D was very good.

The only problem I had was that to get the 3D experience, I had to pay TWO DOLLARS extra for the glasses.

It's not the two bucks that hurt me, it's the fact that:

1) I will never use these again in my life (couldn't I just put a f*cking deposit on them or something?)

2) The glasses are the size of a small Volkswagen



My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



2 Splats for 3D, mind you.

Subtract two for having to watch Brendan Frasier in 2 Dimensions.

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Moog's List of Suck - #1

If I were to give ZERO splats to any movies…what would they be?

Actually…let’s rephrase this.

If I was to give 0 splats to any movies that were SUPPOSED to be good…what would they be?

Well…here they are:

1) Brokeback Mountain

I suffered through this thinking it had to get better at some point.

I mean...rave reviews, right? Oscar contender, right?

RIGHT?!?

Then, there was continual scenes of hideous gay man-sex and I damn near sued Netflix for allowing me to rent it.

Hey...I'm all for gay rights and shit...

...just not on my fucking Sony.

To this day, the image of Jake Gyllenhaal getting cornholed by Heath Ledger is still burned into my memory.

Sometimes, I wake up screaming.


2) Bend it Like Beckham

I lasted about 10 minutes into this (which is about 3 times longer than sex…but whatever).

The only reason I lasted that long was because I was trying to see if that chick from ER would drop her top or something.

She didn’t. It wasn’t funny. I bailed.


3) Mulholland Drive

Three words:

What. The. Fuck.

Really. What the fuck WAS that?!?

Two hours of my life gone…gone…and – you know what? – I have NO IDEA where they went.


4) Do the Right Thing

This movie has the honor of being the only movie – THE ONLY MOVIE – in the history of “me” that I’ve ever fallen asleep in at the theater.

I mean, the cover of the movie looks all "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" like...but no...

Movie sucked.


Yes folks…

...it was SO exciting that I basically paid $7 to sleep in a chair that made my ass hurt.

Just like Jake Gyllenhaal’s.

Poor bastard.