A Giant Wave of Vagina

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I'd give a movie "Thumbs Up"...

...but I'd have to get them out of my ass first.

And no one wants that.

Today I’m reviewing:

Sex and the City: The Movie

Yeah. Right.

Listen folks….

…the only way I’d go see that f*cking movie is if one of the following things happened:

1) I spontaneously grew a uterus

2) I started f*cking men for fun

3) My wife made me go

4) Sarah Jessica Parker winds up somehow dismembered in it by an evil John Malkovich


The only chance of any of the above happening was #3…

…but, luckily for me, my wife is one of three women in the 48 contiguous states that make up America who HASN’T watched that show.

However, I DID go to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (review coming up).

Unfortunately, we saw “Sarah Marshall” on the very same weekend that “Sex and the City” opened.


I say “unfortunately,” because I happened to be heading back into the theater with a bag of popcorn when one of the “Sex” movies suddenly let out.

*rumble*

Me: “…what the…?”

*RUMBLE RUMBLE*

Me: “Oh. My. GOD!!!!”

It was like a giant wave of vaginas suddenly poured out into the lobby of the theater.


Hundreds…NO…NO…THOUSANDS of estrogen-laden HBO-addicted MILF’s came funneling out of the movie…

…and the wave…

…five feet tall and a mile deep…

…was headed straight towards me.

Me (to the usher): “Tell my wife and kids that I love them!”

Usher: “..duhhhh…”

(I mean, come on…he takes tickets for a f*cking living)


And then…I saw him…

One sad, lost, lone man…

...in the middle of it all.

As the wave rushed past…our eyes met for the briefest of moments:

“Help me,” he mouthed to me, silently.

But I was alone and armed only with a six dollar bag of popcorn…

(seriously…six f*cking dollars for popcorn?!?!?)

….and could do nothing else except watch him get washed away amidst the chattering hoard.


I caught a quick glimpse, though, and realized…

…he was holding his girlfriend’s hand.

Stupid bastard.

He fell victim to #3.

Had he actually been f*cking men for fun (see #2, above), he might have been able to get away with going to a dance club or something instead of looking at Sarah Jessica Parker for two hours.

Ugh.

Seriously…they should employ that method with the prisoners at Guantanamo.

Soldier (holding up picture of SJP): “YOU LIKE THAT ACHMED?!? I’LL MAKE YOU F*CK THAT SH*T IF YOU DON’T TALK!!”

Terrorist: “NOOO!! I’ll talk…I’ll talk!! We’re all hiding out in the basement of the Taco Bell in Afghanistan…on the corner of Osama and Fifth!! PLEASE…DON’T MAKE ME BANG THE DONKEY FACE!!.”

Nice.


Anyway…you want a review of this f*cking movie, go somewhere else.

I’ll be trying to wipe all this estrogen off of me from the tsunami I experienced.

Moog out.


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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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Really? A F*cking Spaceship?!?

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

...where my opinion is about as useful as George Bush's college degree.

So...yeah...

...not so much.

Today I'm reviewing:

Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Fresh on the heels of the super-awesome-boner-inducing thrill ride that was Iron Man...

(see my review here)

...I was pretty pumped to see this one as well.

And...unfortunately...

...so were my kids.


Before I get into it, let me say this:

I WILL GIVE YOU SPOILERS HERE.

However, I will not give out the ending (as I've already done it in the title...HA HA!!).

If you just want my score...head to the bottom NOW.


That said...here's why you should never take TWO children (ages 4 and 7) to a PG-13 movie:

1) I had to explain to them what "Roswell" was

2) I had to explain to them what a nuclear bomb was

3) I had to tell my son 26 times to "sit down or I WILL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW!"

4) I had to explain every single plot point...TWICE

This last point - explaining the plot twists - really, really sucked because I was seated in the middle of my kids.

As such, my head moved side to side more than Paris Hilton when she met the Backstreet Boys.


I'm sure this made for a wonderful movie-going experience for the people behind us...

...and the 90-year old coughing (SERIOUSLY DUDE...eat a f*cking lozenge!!) guy in front of us.

Back to the review...

With all this said, I thought the movie was okay.

I'm just glad that my wife decided to stay home...

...otherwise, I would have to go see some bullsh*t movie with Jennifer Aniston in it just to make up for taking her to it.


Here's the bottom line:

Harrison Ford:
The guy is STILL awesome. Not as many funny one-liners as we're used to...but he's still worth watching.

Shia LaBeouf:
Not a bad turn, although I liked him better in Transformers.


Which leads me to:

Megan Fox:
Unlike Shia LaBeouf, she's in Transformers but NOT in this movie...so you lose a WHOLE SPLAT right there.


Karen Allen:
GMILF. I actually think she looks better in this movie than in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

It looks like age has also given her boobs, which were seriously lacking in the first movie.

Spaceship:
There it is.
There's a f*cking spaceship in this movie. Now you know.

Given this, I would think that if Spielberg and Lucas did the same old "now he's in the jungle...now he's in a cave...now he's being chased...now he's back in the jungle.." there wouldn't be a whole lot new to the franchise and people would have bitched.

They've added a little sci-fi to it...which can be good and bad.

In my case...it was more like:

"..what the...?"

A little Megan Fox wouldn't have hurt, though.

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My Score:

Two and a half Mooge splats
(out of a possible four)



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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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