"Slumdog Millionaire" - Vijay Patel says Wha?

Today I'm reviewing:

Slumdog Millionaire


I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to see "Slumdog Millionaire" at first.

I know it won Best Picture, but two things started to turn me off to it before I even rented it:

1) I saw a preview that showed the cast dancing that stupid fucking Bollywood shit dance stuff

2) I've been in the computer/technology industry for, like, 15 years now and - really - I thought I pretty much new every Indian person on the face of the planet since I'd worked with most of them.


Wrong on both counts.

That's right.

I was wrong.

Mark your calendar, folks, it doesn't happen often.

Slumdog Millionaire is one of the best movies I've ever seen.

(FYI- that stupid dance shit happens in the credits, thank Christ.)

Once I got past the dialect thing.

You see, I suck with accents.

If you have even the slightest accent, I'm totally fucked in any conversation with you.

Movies with Scottish/Irish actors?

Fuck it. Forget it. I give up after the first five minutes.

I have no fucking clue (or, as you Scottish say, "Feeeckin gloo") what the Hell you're talking about.

How Braveheart managed to be one of my favorites is still a mystery.

FREEDOM!!!!

Sorry.


Regardless, it took me about 10 minutes to acclimate to the accents.

But once I did...

WOW.

RENT. THIS. FRIGGIN. MOVIE.

It's an excellent story set in mostly 'flashback' mode about a poor Indian boy (termed a 'slumdog' - and you'll see why in horrible detail) who gets on the Indian version of the show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'

Listen.

My last rental was fucking Marley and Me and I still find myself crying myself to fucking sleep some nights.

Stupid dog movie - why must you emasculate me so?!?!

So it was good to see a well acted, well written and excellent movie overall.

See it.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


Now excuse, me...

...Vijay Sangesh Patel needs some help in the lab.

I think.

I'm not sure...I can't understand what the fuck he's saying.

Moog out.

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"Marley and Me" - Honey...Have You Seen My Testicles?

Today I'm reviewing:

Marley and Me


Fucking Ay.

Marley and Me.

I'm going to go off on a tangent here and instead of giving you the plot and characters and shit, I'm just going to give you a quiz.

Here goes:

Q: How do you know if you should rent Marley and Me?

1) Are you male?

If you answered 'yes' to this, then RUN.

RUN AWAY, MY FRIEND.

Run away from this movie and never ever look back.


Because there is no fucking way in Hell that you're not going to turn into a fucking testosterone-free, ball-less, pussified blubbering jackass woman-like piece of jell-o by the time this movie is over.

If you get through this movie and you're not bawling like 5 year old fat kid who just dropped his Sno-Cone on the hot pavement in mid-July after spending his last 50 cents on it...

...then let me be first to congratulate you on your choice of career in the slaughterhouse industry.


My wife wanted to see this in the theater.

Thank Christ 'The Dark Knight' intervened or otherwise I would have been exiting the fucking lobby looking like I'd just been pepper sprayed for three hours straight.

There's no fucking way, dude, you can watch this and somehow try to maintain the 'head of household' or 'man' portion of the relationship.

Luckily for me, I gave that up years ago.

To the Ladies:

Unless you want to see your man reduced to a slobbering corpse of what he once was, do NOT make him watch this.

Especially if he has a fucking dog. Holy shit...I don't even like my fucking dog and I was damn near close to knitting her a fucking sweater at the end of this movie.

Our time...so...fleeting.

OH SHE SHIT ON THE FUCKING CARPET AGAIN?!?!? MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Fucking dog.

Overall - the story was, eh.

By the way....it is NOT a movie for kids.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me now.

I only have one booty left to knit and my dog's outfit will be complete.

Don't know what you've got til it's gone, ya know.

Stupid dog.

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Haven't had enough?

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88 Minutes - The Three-Line Review!

Today I'm reviewing a movie I watched while killing time at home with my newly broken hand waiting for the Percocets to kick in:

88 Minutes

Synopsis:

In "88 Minutes," Al Pacino plays Dr. Jack Gramm, a forensic psychiatrist who sends a serial killer to prison.

9 years later, on the eve of the man's execution, a series of copy-cat murders begin and it appears that the man will be set free.

To complicate this, Dr. Gramm's friends and coworkers begin to join the body count - and he receives a mysterious phone call saying that he, too, will be one of the victims.

In 88 minutes.

He's being framed...but by who? Did he put the wrong person in prison? Will he find all this out before he dies in 88 minutes?!?!

(queue porn music)

Woops. Wrong soundtrack.

(queue suspense music)


My review:

88 Minutes?

Yes. 88 minutes of my life right down the fucking shitter.

Don't see it - I had a better time breaking my fucking hand.

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible 4)


Here.

You want to solve a mystery? Solve this one:

Leelee Sobieski is in this movie.

Is it just me...

...or does Leelee Sobieski look like what Helen Hunt would have looked like if Helen Hunt got the attractiveness gene instead if the "what the fuck is wrong with your eyes to make you somewhat ugly" gene?


Discuss.

Moog out.

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Role Models - Paul Rudd is my hero

Today I'm reviewing another movie off my Netflix list:

Role Models


Yes, hot on the heels of my reviews of "I Love You, Man" and "Monsters vs. Aliens"...

...I present you with my third Paul Rudd movie in three weeks.

Complaints?

None here, bitches.

Paul. Rudd. Rules.


Guy fucking kills me in every movie he's in.

In Role Models, Paul Rudd plays "Danny Donahue", and teams up with Seann William Scott ("Stifler" from the "American Pie" movies) playing "Wheeler"...

(really..? can't this guy get a role where he has BOTH a first and last name?)

...as two guys working for the marketing department of an energy drink company.

Danny hates his job hawking this product and in a fit of rage, ends up getting both himself and Wheeler assigned to Public Service as pseudo "Big Brothers" to unfortunate kids in lieu of jail time.

They finagle this through Danny's now ex-girlfriend, Beth, a lawyer played by the ever increasingly hot looking Elizabeth Banks.


The center is run by Gayle Sweeney, played the crazy hilarious Jane Lynch. If you haven't seen Jane Lynch in anything ("40 Year Old Virgin" and her current role as Charlie's psyciatrist on the TV show, "Two and a Half Men" come to mind), then you're missing out on one funny woman.

Danny gets stuck with a nerdy Dungeons and Dragons geek played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse who you may know better as McLovin from "Superbad."

Wheeler is stuck with Ronnie Shield (Bobb'e J. Thompson) , a kid who swears and throws insults around worse than Richard Pryor.


The movie follows Danny and Wheeler's quest to get out of the mess they're in, get their hours of community service done, and not go to jail.

Along the way, though, they find out that they actually have hearts and minds and can make a difference in someone else's life...if not their own.

How did I like it?

Not bad.

When the first lines of the movie are:

Wheeler: "Guess what I did last night?"

..and then he sticks his fingers in Danny's nose...

...I figured I had a winner.

The end got a bit dumb and a little long...but I have to admit that I laughed a lot at the story.

Especially when Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott start going back and forth where you KNOW they're just ad-libbing stuff...it gets really funny.

My Score: 2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


Now..excuse me.

This Paul Rudd vs. Elizabeth Banks debate may kill me.

I'm going with banks.

Hey.

Guess what I did last night.

Yeah.

I wish.

Moog out.


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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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