Twilight - and the Chick who Hated It.

Got another guest review today.

This is good, because it saves me money on movie tickets.

That means more I can spend on pay-per-view porn.

Awesome.

Today, it's Arielle from over at her blog, "Bitten."

She's reviewing the movie:

Twilight


Here you go:

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Out of the four movies I went to see over Thanksgiving break, Transporter 3, Bolt, Quantum of Solace, and Twilight, the latter movie was the worst.

(editor's note: Transporter 3?! Really?!)

Go see the first three before you think about setting foot in the theater for Twilight.

I think the only other movie that did worse in ratings over the break was Four Christmases, and it's number one in the box office right now. How does that work?

I will admit that I have read all four of the Twilight books, so I am no virgin to the series.

(editor's note: heh heh...you said 'virgin'. Sorry.)

I liked the books and I like vampires, but I am not a Twilight fanatic.

I went into the movie optimistic, hoping they wouldn't screw up the story like they did with Eragon. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.)

I dragged along my fiancée because we had a deal. I went and saw Transporter with him, so he would go see Twilight with me.

(editor's note: thank you for explaining...now, dump your fiancee...seriously...f*cking Transporter 3?!?)


Several people told me that Twilight was a decent movie, and his sister and mother went and saw it with us. It was their second time going, so there had to be something decent to see again, right?

I won't bother with a synopsis of the movie, because it's basically your typical teenage romance with vampires thrown in and a little bit of action at the end.

The book was followed well, but the characters were expressionless and empty.

I can understand the vampires in the movie showing less feeling, but the girl was human and she made the same face throughout the movie whether she was crying or confessing her undying love to the vampire she just met.

The movie itself felt slow, clunky, and awkward, yet the story moved too fast. I guess a lot of book to movie adaptations happen this way, but it felt like only a few days passed in the whole movie, yet they were completely in love forever and ever.

Watching this movie made me realize how cliché and awkward the book was.

When it's in text, it seems fine, but when you actually see it being acted out, you take a step back and realize that it's completely unrealistic, from the way the characters spoke to the way they acted, it just didn't seem natural.

I've spoken to many people who have seen this movie, and this is the general idea I get from them:

Demographically, teenage and young girls will love this movie. The girls will sit in the movie and say, "OhmiGodEdward'ssoooohot!"

People who actually pay attention to the movie instead of dreaming of themselves in Bella's place will notice how bad it is. People who have not read the books (like my fiancée) will be confused for the better part of the movie. He asked me halfway through if the main character was gay.

(editor's note: seriously...he likes "The Transporter" movies...you think this lack of wit is due to him not reading the f*cking books?)

Twilight fanatics will vehemently swear that the movie is good because they don't want to admit that they're obsessed about a pile of crap.

My fiancée's mom admitted only after the movie was over and after we complained about it that she didn't like it, and she didn't have a good reason for coming back to see it again.

All in all, watching this movie was like watching a teenage girl's fantasy gone wrong, and it was uncomfortable to sit there and see it play out. I should have just stuck to the books. Now my fiancée won't read it because he saw the movie.

(editor's note: too easy)

Oh yeah, and there are going to be three more movies in this series.

Hopefully, the acting gets better. I haven't decided yet if I'll go see the other three.

My score:

I give it 1 star/Mooge splat/toaster out of four.


...and that's only because I'm a girl, and maybe I did fantasize a little bit about being in Bella's place.

Just a little bit.

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Thanks, Arielle!! Awesome review!

We need to talk about your fiancee, though.

Seriously. He has issues.

Now, readers...go give Arielle some lovin'.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Bolt - (Richard Gere would LOVE this hamster)

Today on Moog's Movie Reviews, I'm reviewing the latest kid-flick:

Bolt


The wife and I took the kids to see this the day after Thanksgiving.

Along with 7,000,000 other parents.

Including the broad who fell asleep in the row behind me while her four year old daughter KEPT KICKING MY F*CKING CHAIR SERIOUSLY KID I WILL RIP YOUR F*CKING LEGS OFF IF YOU DON'T STOP I SWEAR IT.

Ahem.

It was a joyous event.

Bolt (voiced by John Travolta) is about a scientologist who is banging Kelly Preston.

Oops. Sorry. That's Travolta.

Prick.


Bolt is about a dog with super powers including, but not limited to:

1) Laser Vision
2) A Super Bark
3) Super Strength
4) Supersonic leg-humping ability

The problem is, that he BELIEVES he has these powers, but really doesn't.

This is because Bolt is actually the star of a TV show about a "super dog" - and the producers and cast want to make sure he believes this so his grit and determination appear real on the set.

I believe they did this same trick with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman.

OMG. I would let Lynda Carter lasso me any time.

But I've digressed.


When his "person" is kidnapped ("Penny" voiced by Miley Cyrus...um..is she legal yet?)in a story plot, Bolt believes this is real and breaks out of the set in an attempt to rescue her.

Thus, the movie revolves around Bolt's quest and coming to terms with the fact that he is not, in fact, super.

On the way he befriends two other characters, a cat and a hamster.

The hamster pretty much steals every scene he's in, and is pretty much worth the price of admission alone.


I laughed a lot during this movie, causing my wife - at one point - to look at me from three seats away and mouth:

"SHUT. UP."

Apparently, I was that one loud jackass who's killing himself while everyone else is mildly chuckling.

Awesome.

Regardless, I highly recommend Bolt for the entire family.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now...excuse me...

...I'm off to rent the Wonder Woman DVD set.

Lynda Carter, I have a wonderful night planned with you, me, the remote, and a big box of tissues.

I'm gonna lasso that asso.

Moog out.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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