Mirrors - Shit's Reflection is Still Shit

Today, from my Netflix list...

...I'm reviewing the Kiefer Sutherland horror/thriller:

Mirrors


Here's my review:

It fucking sucked. Don't see it.

My Score:

1/2 Mooge Splat



Fine.

Small synopsis:

Stupid fucking movie about stupid fucking demons living in fucking mirrors haunting Kiefer Sutherland playing a fucking security guard...

(if Jack Bauer was dead (IMPOSSIBLE!!!) he would be rolling around in his fucking grave right now after this shit)

...and some incoherent thing about reflections and some crazy bitch and OH MY GOD I CAN'T KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT.

This movie has more holes in it than Lindsay Lohan's custom-made lesbian blow-up doll.

Two saving graces of this movie that keep it from getting 0 splats:

1) Kiefer's wife (Amy Carson) who is hot and has enormous boobies which are showcased wonderfully in a stupid fucking scene where she's soaking wet.

Yay!


2) The ending. Not just because it marks the end of the movie (YAY again), but because it's got a decent twist to it.

Otherwise:

Stupid fucking movie.

Moog out.


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Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

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Coraline - Wait...Are Those...PASTIES?!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Coraline


What.

The Fuck.

Did I just watch?

No..scratch that...

What did I just bring my kids to?!?!?

Let's preface this first:

I didn't want to see Coraline.

My kids did.

Since I will sit in a movie theater to pretty much watch anything as long as I'm paying the early matinee fee ($700 per ticket + $2 for the 3D Glasses), I'll go.

So we went.

On a related note:

I'm stupid.


The Plot:
Coraline is a kid (Dakota Fanning) who moves into some delapitated old house with her lame parents (Teri Hatcher and John Hodgman) who apparently don't give a shit about her.

I haven't seen parent neglect this bad since I put my kids in the closet last weekend so the wife and I could go out.

OMG! The kids!!

Eh. They probably still have some water and jerky left.

I'll get to them as soon as I'm done this.

A neighborhood boy befriends Coraline and gives her a doll that he found that looks just like her...

...except the eyes are simply black buttons.

NO! Not creepy at all!


This begins an adventure where Coraline discovers a hidden door in her slum shithouse that leads to an alternate world - everything that she knows is there...

BUT IT'S BETTER.

The food is better.

The parents are better.

The house is better.

The crack whores don't have AIDS.

Oh. Wait.

That last one is MY alternate world.

My bad.

The only problem here is that the requirement to STAY in this world is:

Coraline has to remove her eyes and replace them with buttons.

THIS ISN'T SCARY FOR KIDS AT ALL!

Here's how to decide if you should take your kids to see this:

1) Your kids aren't easily scared

2) You don't mind your little kids seeing an old woman with Triple-F sized tits walking around in pasties.

No shit.

Here's one of the characters from a scene in the movie:


What. The. Fuck.

You could hear a collective gasp from the parents in the theater as we all went:

"Heh...heh...um...oh. Oh. Oh that's really fucking inappropriate."

If I want to see giant tits and pasties on an old broad, I'll go visit my mother.

3) Your kids don't like to laugh

This is not a "Finding Nemo." There's not a single laugh in the whole story.

The good part:

The 3D.

The 3D is awesomely done.

You know...if your kid can see through his petrified tears.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Did I mention the kid ghosts?

The ghosts who had their eyes removed and are now dead...

...and Coraline has to GO SEARCH FOR THEIR MISSING EYES in order to set them free to go to Heaven?

* cricket

Or the giant evil spider-lady with black eyes and needles for fingers and legs?

Yeah.

This isn't scary at all.

Moog out.


********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Taken - They Took the Chick from LOST!!

Today I'm reviewing the film:

Taken


Taken stars Liam Neeson as the divorced father of a 17-year old girl named Kim who lives with her very rich stepfather and her bitchy mother, played by Famke Janssen.

I only recognized Famke Janssen from the FX series, Nip/Tuck...

...where she played a woman who used to be a guy.

Take a look:


Wow.

She looks good in that picture.

I may begin shopping for transvestites hookers instead just the crack addicted ones.

I've digressed.

Synopsis:

The story line progresses as we realize that Liam Neeson's character, Bryan Mills, is retired from military life where he used to be part of an elite special forces team.

A taste of his skills are briefly scene during an attach on a popular singer that he and his group of ex-military buddies are hired to provided security for.



The movie takes a turn when Kim and her friend are abducted from their apartment while vacationing in Paris.

Kim is on the phone with Bryan at the time, who uses these short moments to instruct his daughter and gather as much information as he can about the attackers as possible.

It's this information, and the ability of his ex-military friends, that he uses to hunt down the men in an effort to rescue his daughter.

Here's what I was thinking through most of the movie:

"Who the Hell is the daughter? She looks so familiar...it's driving me nuts."


It finally hit me at 3:00 a.m. on Sunday morning when I got up to pee for the third time.

I'm 40.

This is what I do now.

She was the chick from "Lost" who played "Shannon" - Boone's sister! Except on Lost she had blonde hair.

Why am I the only one excited?


The movie becomes a guy-kicking-ass-while-doing-cool-martial-arts-moves movie...

...kind of like a cross between the "Bourne" movies and "Death Wish."
If you like those kind of movies, then this one will NOT disappoint you.

Liam Neeson surprisingly sells the fact that he can pull of all of the stuff he's doing...

...and eventually comes across as total bad ass.

In the end, I had to say that it was a good movie - for that TYPE of movie.

You won't get a ton of Oscar-worthy sequences...

...but you WILL get a decent action movie and a guy, in Neeson, who totally sells the fact that he WILL KILL YOU if he says he will.

My Score (based on this genre of movie):

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)



Remember, he's a dad going after his daughter.

Thank God she's still not on that island...he'd NEVER find her.

Well...maybe he would.

He's badass.

Moog out.

********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

Step Brothers - Lbluca Steps UP!

Today, I have a very coveted guest post.

Lbluca77 has graciously accepted a position on the Moog's Movie Review guest couch.

(It only took two martinis and four Rohipnol tablets to score this...but kudos to me!)

Lbluca is reviewing the film:

Step Brothers


Awesome.

I asked her to do this for two reasons:

1) I'm fucking lazy

Actually, that's the only reason.

I saw the movie and agree with everything she says here.

I'm easy like that.

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Email from Lbluca:

Ok this was harder than I thought (that's what she said) but still fun. I had to go back and watch some of the parts I forgot in the movie. One of these days I am going to have to learn how to make those fancy pictures you put up. - Lbluca

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The review

Step Brothers

When you have two 40 year old infantile man-children who are delightfully unemployed with the maturity level of a 12 year old that never left home and are then forced to live under one roof after their parents get married there is only two things that are a guarantee:

1) You will hysterically laugh and...
2) You will see a drum set get tea-bagged.


Every second of this movie is hilarious with non stop laughter that you will make you feel like you are walking on a cloud while your penis is tingling.

(editor's note: Um....?)

After discovering they both have adult children that won't leave the nest Nancy (Mary Steenburgen) and Robert (Richard Jenkins) fall in love, get married and make an attempt to blend their two families.

(editor's note: I just realized Richard Jenkins looks almost identical to the guy who plays the President's husband on the new season of "24"....which means I'll never be able to watch that show without thinking of Will Ferrell's ballsack)


Brennan (Will Ferrell) or as he prefers to be called Night Hawk, is an overly sensitive guy that also loves to sing. Then there is Dale (John C. Reilly) who likes to go by the name "Dragon" and enjoys playing the drums and being a bully to Brennan.

Together while sharing a bedroom with two twin beds they make each others life and their parent's life a living hell. That is until they discover a mutual hatred for Brennan's douchey brother and his even more douchey kids.

Once they establish a bond over the love for John Stamos, bunk beds that provide so much room for "activities" and some freakish sleep walking, the fun begins.


This movie makes peeing simultaneously in a toilet with your step brother look fun. Even if you are a girl.

Maybe not.

Eventually the parents get more and more fed up with their childish behavior and tell them they need to get jobs. Good luck. Even with their best efforts to get a job, despite sporting a monkey suits and informing their interviewer "We're here to fuck shit up!" the job hunt was unsuccessful.

(One of the most entertaining parts of the entire film. May I suggest you wear a diaper when you watch this.)

Next time my boss asks me what I am doing I plan on telling her that I am here to fuck shit up.

I am sure she will tell me I can see myself down to HR for my dismissal papers.

Despite there being some "over the top" shenanigans like licking dog poop and being scared of actual 12 year old boys this movie is one of Will Ferrell's best and is a must see...

...especially the unrated version.

Lbluca's Score:

I am giving it 3 mooge splats.


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Awesome, Lbluca!

FYI - my wife's friend and her husband COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY HATED this movie.

This is why I don't ask them to do reviews.

I will say this: If you like Anchorman and Talledega Nights, you'll like this.

If you hate those, you'll hate this.

Thanks, Lbluca!

Go read her if you don't already - great blog and a very funny person.

Actually, I'll thank her when she wakes up.

Four roofies might have been too much.

Moog out.

********************

Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.