Hard Candy (squirm factor: 5)

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Hard Candy


What can I say about “Hard Candy” other than:

The last time I was this uncomfortable watching a movie, was the time I watched “Wild Things” with my mom.

It wasn’t the screaming hot lesbian scenes that were the problem.

It was the fact that I kept going, “Ooooohhhh” and had to hide my tented pants the entire time as I masturbated with my back to her.

Awkward.


DAMN YOU, KEVIN BACON!!

Um..I mean:

DAMN YOU NEVE CAMPBELL AND DENISE RICHARDS!!

I'm not gay.

(re-adding “Wild Things” onto my Netflix list now…my mom lives 20 miles away)

Back to ‘Hard Candy.’

Hard Candy is basically a story about a 14 year old girl (Ellen Page from the AWESOMELY AWESOME movie, ‘Juno’ (see my review of 'Juno' here) lured into a relationship with a 32-year old pedophile (Patrick Wilson).

At least, she thinks he’s a pedophile…

...but we’re not sure if he is or not.

Hence, the mystery.


Was she lured here?

Was he going to attack her?

Did she plan this?

My GOD…can the camera guy get any f*cking closer to these people’s faces? I feel like I should try to pop their zits or something.

BACK THE F*CK OFF, CAMERA GUY!

Why didn’t I rent something else?

I think I need to shave my balls…they’re feeling scruffy.

These are the things that came through my mind.

Sometimes...I drift off.


Regardless, the story ends up being a ‘thriller’ where you’re trying to figure out if Ellen Page is a f*cking fruitcake, or if this guy really is a pedophile.

This – thankfully – isn’t given away until the very end of the movie…so it DOES keep you entertained, in that respect.

For my guy readers out there, there are also plenty of scenes that will have you curled up on the f*cking couch worse than the torture scene in Braveheart.

Trust me on this one. You WILL squirm.

Overall, not bad.

Not great…and I probably wouldn’t watch it again.

Squirming on my couch that much through this one time is more than enough.

My score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…off to shave my nads.

I need to be ready for when “Wild Things” arrives.

Dammit...I'm gonna need more tissues.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Fly Me to the Moon (and out of the f*cking theater ASAP)

Short review today.

Over the weekend, my kids made me take them to see:

"Fly Me to the Moon - 3D"


Here, I believe the "3D" stands for:

1) Deplorable
2) Despicable
3) Dammit! I just spent money on this piece of shit that should have gone straight to video.

One of the worst movies in the history of movies.

Just so you know, it's about three flies (yes, flies) who stowaway on Apollo 11 to fulfill their dreams of getting to the moon.

Because we all know that flies have this dream.

There is also a subplot - yes, subplot - where Russian flies try to sabotage the NASA Command Center.

This subplot culminates in a United States fly vs. Russian fly fight that includes - but is not limited to:

1) Kung Fu moves
2) A knife fight
3) The intervention by "Nadia" - a Russian fly with the largest set of boobs I have ever seen on any actess...animated vermin or otherwise.


I wish I was joking here.

Because nothing says "family fun" better than a knife flight and giant breasts.

Alas, I am not joking.

Then, at the end, there's a "STOP THE CREDITS!" scream.

OH...MY...

It's BUZZ ALDRIN!!

So, here I am expecting something funny...some type of outtake...

...but Buzz says this (I'm paraphrasing):

"Just so you know, there were no flies on the Apollo 11 flight. That wouldn't have been sanitary."

Lights come on.

Gee...thanks for the hilarity, Buzz.

What the f*ck was that about?!?

I'm not even wasting my Mooge on this and giving it a score.

That's right - NO SCORE FOR YOU!!

In fact, I'm adding you to my "Moog's Awful Movie List."

The bright spot here, is that flies only have a lifespan of a little over two weeks.

With the Apollo 11 mission taking 8 days, we can be pretty sure that all the characters in this film are now dead and won't be making a sequel.

I'm gonna miss Nadia, though.

Big fly boobies.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************