"Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian" - Amy Adams in Tight Pants!!

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian


Ugh.

Let's cut to the chase on this one, shall we?

Is the movie good?

No.

No it's not.

Is the movie funny?

The movie has, maybe, two funny parts in it.

Both of which involve a squirrel.

Ironically, my favorite porn movie also has a squirrel in it.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Is it funnier than the first movie?

Fuck no.

If you didn't think the first movie was even a little good/funny...you will friggin' hate the shit out of this one.

Yes. You will hate the shit out of it.

I'm coining that phrase.


Will the kids like it?

My son, who turns 6 in July, was bored out of his mind until the last 20 minutes of the movie when the actual "Battle of the Smithsonian" takes place.

Come to think of it, so was I.

So, no.

Unless your kids enjoy being bored for an hour and a half, they probably won't like it.

They will SAY they like it after it's over because, well, kids are stupid.

Is there ANYTHING to like in the movie?

Actually, yes.

There are three things that I found enjoyable:

1) Amy Adams wears tight pants

Amy Adams plays Amelia Earhart in this movie.

Throughout the movie, she wears skin-tight pants.

This is a good thing.


2) Bill Hader is in it

If you've seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' ...

(and if you HAVEN'T seen 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' then seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!)

...or Superbad, then you know who Bill Hader is.

(see my latest review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall here)

He's awesome.

Here, he plays General Custer, and has some decent dialog - especially when he's trying to say Sacajawea's name.

3) It ends

Thankfully, this movie ends and you get to leave the theater.

My Score

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me...

I have to Google some pictures of Amelia Earhart to see what SHE'D look like in tight pants.

* 2 minutes later

Not good.

Not good at all.

Moog out.

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"Quantum of Solace" - Um...Wha..?

Today I'm reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Quantum of Solace


Listen, I'm not a huge James Bond fan.

I'm also not gay.

However, I've seen both Daniel Craig versions and I have to say this:

Sometimes, I look into his dreamy blue eyes and chiseled body and want to be a Bond Girl.

I wish that last sentence never left my fingertips.

Did I mention I'm not gay?


I also mentioned I'm not a James Bond fan.

However, I kinda liked 'Casino Royale,' even though my knowledge of poker extends to these two things:

1) You use cards
2) You must use only your feet unless you're the goalie

One of those may be wrong.


So, with me kinda liking 'Casino Royale,' I decided to rent 'Quantum of Solace.'

How was it?

Three minutes into the movie and I was completely fucking lost.

You know, I should have figured this shit would be over my head when the name of the movie sounds like the title of Stephen Hawking's thesis.


However, there was enough jumping and chasing and shit for me to keep going:

"Oooh. Cool jumping."

...and...

"Oooh. Cool chasing and shit."

There was some plot that involved some weird looking bad guy, and Bond trying to get revenge for the death of the chick I forgot who died in Casino Royale, and something about water in the desert and...

..hold on...

...more jumping.

Cool.

Okay. I'm back.

As far as the 'Bond Girl' in this one?

OH. MY. GOD.

Here she is:


Whoops.

Wrong picture.

Here she is:


Holy fuckshit, Batman.

Now I KNOW I'm not gay.

Mostly.

Regardless...between all the jumping and chasing and hot chicks and incoherent plot and fucking stupid title...

I give it my score.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


You can raise that to 2-1/2 Splats if you value action over being able to understand what the fuck is going on.

Now, excuse me...

I'm working on my own thesis.

It includes that Bond Girl and a lot of lube.

I'm totally winning an award for this.

Moog out.

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"Star Trek" - "Lost" in Space

Today I'm reviewing the NEW movie:

Star Trek


I wanted to LOVE this movie.

I wanted to see this movie badly enough to stick my wife with the kids and the lawn mowing duties on Mother's Day while I went to see it.

I'm a good husband.


If you're familiar with the original TV series, the movie introduces us to all of the characters we already know...but gives them a backdrop on how they came together to form the Enterprise crew.

If you're not familiar with the characters, you won't get a few subtle references...but the plot is written out fairly well so you get an introduction to them all and get to know their characters.

The plot?

Well...let's just say that the overriding plot point is what did the movie in for me and turned it from an:

"OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE"

...to...

"It was very good...not pee your pants fantabulous."


The Pros:

1) The opening scene BEFORE the title sets the stage for the action that will follow

2) The special effects are fantastic. At NO point did I watch this thinking, "oh...blatant cartoon shit."

3) Lieutenant Uhura is a goddamn FOX in this version. Holy shit.

There's an entire 'black hole' reference that can be made, but I'll refrain right now.

Um.

Woops.


The Cons:

1) The plot

Listen.

I watch 'Lost.'

If you watch Lost, and you're starting to get sick of all the "time travel jumping back and forth shit", you're probably going to do the same thing I did when I realized that half the story in this movie involved "time travel jumping back and forth shit":

Me: "Jesus Christ. Time travel back and forth shit?"

If you DON'T watch Lost, then just know there's time travel back and forth shit.

Hey, J.J. Abrams:

WE GET IT.

You have a fucking thing with time travel in your stories.

GET. OVER IT.

Please.


2) The guy playing Dr. McCoy tries too goddamn hard

If you know the original series, probably the best character out of that was Dr. Leonard McCoy (Bones).

Here, in the movie, the guy playing Bones tries SO HARD to get down Bones' mannerisms and speech that you feel like he's at a roast doing impressions of the guy.

It was a little over the top for me.


However, again, if you didn't watch the series, you'll probably find him funny (as he was in the show).

3) Leonard Nimoy. Really?

Seriously...in a BRAND NEW movie remaking the thing from scratch...

...they have to bring in one of the original members for - NOT JUST A CAMEO - but a VERY LONG and involved character?

Oh.

That's because he's from the fucking future.

(see bitch #1)

J.J. Abrams....you're fucking killing me.

HOWEVER...

That said, it was a good movie. The special effects and action alone probably make it worth seeing.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now excuse me...

I have to go rewatch last weeks' episode of "Lost."

Seriously...this shit's starting to confuse the fuck out of me.

Moog out.



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"X-Men Origins: Wolverine" - Leaves you...well...speechless.

Today I'm reviewing the movie:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine



I admit it.

I'm a sucker for superhero movies.

So is my son.

Which is why I brought a five year old to see a PG-13 movie that has such lines in it as:

"I'm going to cut your head off. See how that works."

...and...

"Where are you going to stick THAT?!"

Whoops. Sorry.

That last one is from XXX-Men.

(personal collection)


Regardless, I wasn't expecting much, and - therefore - wasn't all that disappointed.

Although the movie doesn't actually EXPLAIN most of Wolverine's powers (why he's invincible...doesn't age (or, to be more accurate, STOPPED aging on or around the age of 40)') and how he got them...

...it did touch on the basic points on who he is and why.

The best parts of the movie:

1) Liev Schreiber playing Sabertooth

He gets his point across that he's a really really bad guy...even though his dialog is restricted on basically one-liners and growling while he leaps around like Madame Pain during my Thursday night sessions.

Perhaps I've said too much.


2) Riggins is a superhero!!

Yes. Riggins.

The guy who plays 'Riggins' from one of my favorite TV Shows of all time, 'Friday Night Lights' plays Gambit.

My wife said, 'How was he?'

I said:

"He was like Riggins...but, you know...a superhero."


Now, I'm not gay or anything...

..but when I dream of myself in a 3-way with Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson...

..I look like that guy.

3) Lynn Collins playing 'Silverfox' (Wolverine's girlfriend)

Holy crapshit. She's hot.


Notice that I did not mention Hugh Jackman here.

Hugh Jackman pretty much calls it in here.

I can sum up watching Hugh Jackman like this:









There you go.

On a different note, though...the guy is JACKED.

Overall, not a BAD movie...not a good movie, either.

Just kind of...

Eh.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse me...

The Star Trek movie comes out this weekend.

This means I have to break out my sci-fi porn so I can remember the characters.

Spock is hung.

Moog out.


***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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