A Friendly Reminder

Just a reminder...

IRON MAN IS OUT TODAY ON DVD.

Wow.

Look at that.

Got me a little boner.

As you were.

Igor - I Have a Hunch You Won't Like It

"My name is Igor. Wait..wait...I have a hunch on my back. What's my name going to be?...Kevin?"

*cricket*

Scintillating dialog.

This past weekend I took the kids to see “Igor.”


Why I simply don’t start waiting for the DVD, I have no idea.

Igor is a story about an “Igor” – go figure – namely a mad scientists’ helper.

In the land that this takes place in (“Malaria” – AH, the hilarity!), if you’re born with a hunch on your back, you’re named “Igor” automatically.

Also, you are required to attend “Igor school"...

(where you learn to talk with a slur and – for some reason – an English accent)

...and you MUST work for a mad scientist.

Just for clarification, this differs from all the movies I usually see where “hump on my back” has an ENTIRELY different meaning…

…and the wife yells at me for taking the kids.

I mean, in her defense, the theater they show those in IS in a shady part of town.

But I've digressed.


Regardless, these are the rules in the city of “Malaria.”

Personally, I think that they need to start checking out their drinking water if that many kids are born with giant glops of shit on their backs…but, whatever.

The only way I can see this many kids being born with humps is if the Chinese are now in charge of water purification in the city.

This Igor (voiced by John Cusack) wants to be more than just a switch-puller...

(again…different meaning in the movies I usually watch)

...and aspires to be his own evil scientist.

When his master dies in a hideous explosion – blasting his arm clean off – he gets his chance to create his own experiment using discarded body parts.

Um...

Did I mention that this is rated “PG” and NOT “G?”

I actually had NO idea until I started writing this review.

I knew something was off during the “Brainwash” sequence where they choose to brainwash Igor’s creation using the “Axe Murderer” method.

Really.


For a 90-minute movie, I think my first laugh came on or around minute 85.

This, despite the fact that Steve Buscemi actually voices one of the main characters, was a HUGE disappointment for me.

On a side note, I believe that this is the second movie that involves Steve Buscemi and dismembered feet (see: "Fargo"...please, SEE "FARGO")

Really.

At one point, Buscemi’s character (some weird zombie rabbit) chews off his own feet.

*cricket*


22 bucks folks.

22 bucks right down the shitter.

Wait for the DVD.

Then don’t rent it.

My Score:

½ Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).


How did my kids like it?

My kids liked it…but, then again, my kids are dying to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

Kill me.

Nevermind…don’t kill me.

I might end up in “Igor 2.”


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Haven't had enough?

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Baby Mama (Tina Fey - hot or not?)

Today I'm reviewing yet another movie off my Netflix list.

My apologies, but apparently the only way I can get out of the house to see a movie if it's:

A) Animated
B) 3D
C) Stupid
D) Stars Brendan Fraser (also, see "C")

Ugh.

Today, I'm reviewing:

Baby Mama


Baby Mama is a heartwarming story about a single woman (Tina Fey) who's uterus is apparently drying up as she gets older.

(I heard that a simple tube of lube will help this, but I was not consulted on the script)

Okay - maybe 'heartwarming' is the wrong word here when describing dried up female genitalia.


Regardless, desperately she turns to a Surrogate agency to have someone else carry her child.

This someone else is Amy Poehler who is in a relationship with her "common law" husband, played by Dax Shepard.

Personally, I think Dax Shepard steals every single scene he's in. He really, really needed to be in more of them. Hilarious.


The movie takes about 40 minutes to kick in and start getting funny - which is about the time Amy Poehler and Dax Shepard's characters show up.

Throughout the movie we also have appearances by:

1) Steve Martin
2) Sigourney Weaver
3) Greg Kinnear
4) Maura Tierney

..and more...

...prompting my wife to say:

"Holy crap - there's a lot of people in this!"

The last time we said that was while watching "Vantage Point" which sucked more balls than Paris Hilton at a Chippendale convention...

...so we're not having a good feeling at this point.



(On a side note, "Vantage Point" ALSO starred Sigourney Weaver...so I'm making a note here to not rent anything with her in it in the near future)


There are a couple of twists to the movie, one of which was obvious and one that threw me for a loop.

However, throughout the movie, I kept thinking the following:

1) Greg Kinnear needs a much bigger part in this.

2) Steve Martin could make waterboarding funny.

3) Is Tina Fey hot? She has nice legs...but no top lip. Is she hot?

4) OH MY GOD ALL I CAN HEAR IS "Bessie Higgenbotteom" from "The Mighty B!" every time Amy Poehler speaks.

5) Seriously - is Tina Fey hot or is it the glasses?


Overall, the movie is pretty entertaining and I laughed out loud a number of times.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, excuse my while I head over to hotornot.com and see if Tina's picture is there.

I'm just not sure which way I'll vote.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Fracture (or.."Why the Frack didn't I see this before???)

Today, I'm reviewing yet another movie off my Netflix list:

Fracture




Fracture is a thriller/drama about a rich, brilliant man (Anthony Hopkins) on trial for the attempted murder of his wife.

There is NO question on whether or not he's the killer.

We see him do it.

He admits it to a cop and signs a confession.

Credits roll.

JUST KIDDING!

Shortest. Movie. Ever.


No - the plot of the movie, instead, revolves around whether or not Anthony Hopkins' character can GET OUT of his confession and admission of guilt.

Is he smart enough to do it?

Has he pulled one over on the authorities?

What the f*ck is up with the friggin' marbles?

(trust me...makes sense when you watch it)

The one guy entrusted to put Hopkins away is a young, asshole-ish prosecuting attorney played by Ryan Gosling.

Gosling is one of those people who LOOKS familiar, but if you've seen his movie repertoire, chances are that you either (a) just THINK he looks familiar or (b) have really bad taste in other movies.

Seriously - "Young Hercules"..."Frankenstein and Me"...

What the f*ck?


Regardless..."Fracture" turns out to be a more than decent thriller with a pretty good twist at the end.

My wife both stayed awake AND enjoyed it.

This, my friends, is rare.

My score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now, if you'll excuse me...

"Frankenstein and Me" just showed up in my mailbox.

This is gonna be AWESOME.

Right.

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Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Bangkok Dangerous (..heh..you said 'Bangkok')

Hey kids!!

Well - another one of our readers has sent me his very own guest review.

(If you have a movie you want to review, just send it to me. I have the instructions at the end of the review)

This one comes from Chris Wood over at "Chris Wood's Blog" (wow...very original title there, Chris).

Chris is reviewing:

Bangkok Dangerous

I don't know about you, but everytime I Bangkok, I consider it dangerous as well.

Stupid bruising.

Here's the review! Enjoy!


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Hello Moog

I saw the shit festival reviewed below this week, so I thought that I should get something for my time. Hope this can be used on your site.

Best

Chris

(editor's note: I actually thought he went to a real 'Shit Festival' until I realized that this was a movie review)

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Bangkok Dangerous

I’d like to start this review by saying that I used to really like Nicholas Cage.

Very few people could carry off the Elvis obsessed cool guy psycho he played in Wild At Heart, David Lynch’s colourfully eccentric mindfuck.

The Rock and Con Air had plenty to entertain in them, and Face / Off was cram full of feelgood violence.

Fair nuff, I thought.

This man knows a thing or two about entertainment, even if he does have a gurn threshold that would make Jim Carrey wince.

Recently, though, he’s been in plenty of lame turds.

Next was so bad that only Jessica Biel’s boner-inducing performance as Jessica Biel could redeem it to the point where the audience wasn’t envying the blind.


Ghost Rider was so far up its own arse I had no idea a motorbike could fit that far. I punched myself out during The Weather Man, so luckily I didn’t have to see it.

Worst, he took a shit on one of the best horror movies ever, The Wicker Man, in a remake that, on its own, is a good argument for abortion.

So this remake of a 1999 movie, Bangkok Dangerous, didn’t invite a great deal of expectation. But I was bored and I like the simple pleasure of watching people get shot, so I thought I’d try it.

These days, Mr Cage is often ponderous. And. Morose.

He thinks a lot about how shitty his hair looks, and it depresses him.

This shows.

He drawls too, because only crap actors speak clearly.

What’s worse, he doesn’t have any fun! Cage of old would stick cockroaches up his arse and fuck a hamster to death if the film got boring. He’d have his manic peepers set to full gibber while he assaulted the senses with his taste in clothes, often whacking an old lady on the head with his balls just to make sure we were entertained.

In this yawnsome wet fart of a movie he meanders around Bangkok being an asshole, occasionally murdering people in between ponderous bouts of narration that explain how hitmen never form attachments, allow accomplices to live, leave their driving licences at the scene of the crime etc.

He then breaks all these rules for no apparent reason.

He gets a trainee who thinks he’s a dick (this guy is the only sympathetic character), also he falls for a deaf assistant at a chemist, because he’s really logical and their lack of communication suits his current acting style.

We then get an attempt to rip off The Killer with its oddball romance, honour and so forth. A few people get killed. He is an asshole some more and his assistant gets tortured in a really crap way by some guy who basically stands there sneering at his dress sense.

There is some rather dull killing and more action movie cliches get ripped off and lamed down. The deaf woman gurns emotionally. The assistant / trainee has a slow mo “noooo” bit and the Cagester shits on his reputation some more.

Avoid this turd. If you’re bored, this won't help.

Chris Wood's Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible four).



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Thanks, Chris!!!

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Hard Candy (squirm factor: 5)

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Hard Candy


What can I say about “Hard Candy” other than:

The last time I was this uncomfortable watching a movie, was the time I watched “Wild Things” with my mom.

It wasn’t the screaming hot lesbian scenes that were the problem.

It was the fact that I kept going, “Ooooohhhh” and had to hide my tented pants the entire time as I masturbated with my back to her.

Awkward.


DAMN YOU, KEVIN BACON!!

Um..I mean:

DAMN YOU NEVE CAMPBELL AND DENISE RICHARDS!!

I'm not gay.

(re-adding “Wild Things” onto my Netflix list now…my mom lives 20 miles away)

Back to ‘Hard Candy.’

Hard Candy is basically a story about a 14 year old girl (Ellen Page from the AWESOMELY AWESOME movie, ‘Juno’ (see my review of 'Juno' here) lured into a relationship with a 32-year old pedophile (Patrick Wilson).

At least, she thinks he’s a pedophile…

...but we’re not sure if he is or not.

Hence, the mystery.


Was she lured here?

Was he going to attack her?

Did she plan this?

My GOD…can the camera guy get any f*cking closer to these people’s faces? I feel like I should try to pop their zits or something.

BACK THE F*CK OFF, CAMERA GUY!

Why didn’t I rent something else?

I think I need to shave my balls…they’re feeling scruffy.

These are the things that came through my mind.

Sometimes...I drift off.


Regardless, the story ends up being a ‘thriller’ where you’re trying to figure out if Ellen Page is a f*cking fruitcake, or if this guy really is a pedophile.

This – thankfully – isn’t given away until the very end of the movie…so it DOES keep you entertained, in that respect.

For my guy readers out there, there are also plenty of scenes that will have you curled up on the f*cking couch worse than the torture scene in Braveheart.

Trust me on this one. You WILL squirm.

Overall, not bad.

Not great…and I probably wouldn’t watch it again.

Squirming on my couch that much through this one time is more than enough.

My score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…off to shave my nads.

I need to be ready for when “Wild Things” arrives.

Dammit...I'm gonna need more tissues.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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Fly Me to the Moon (and out of the f*cking theater ASAP)

Short review today.

Over the weekend, my kids made me take them to see:

"Fly Me to the Moon - 3D"


Here, I believe the "3D" stands for:

1) Deplorable
2) Despicable
3) Dammit! I just spent money on this piece of shit that should have gone straight to video.

One of the worst movies in the history of movies.

Just so you know, it's about three flies (yes, flies) who stowaway on Apollo 11 to fulfill their dreams of getting to the moon.

Because we all know that flies have this dream.

There is also a subplot - yes, subplot - where Russian flies try to sabotage the NASA Command Center.

This subplot culminates in a United States fly vs. Russian fly fight that includes - but is not limited to:

1) Kung Fu moves
2) A knife fight
3) The intervention by "Nadia" - a Russian fly with the largest set of boobs I have ever seen on any actess...animated vermin or otherwise.


I wish I was joking here.

Because nothing says "family fun" better than a knife flight and giant breasts.

Alas, I am not joking.

Then, at the end, there's a "STOP THE CREDITS!" scream.

OH...MY...

It's BUZZ ALDRIN!!

So, here I am expecting something funny...some type of outtake...

...but Buzz says this (I'm paraphrasing):

"Just so you know, there were no flies on the Apollo 11 flight. That wouldn't have been sanitary."

Lights come on.

Gee...thanks for the hilarity, Buzz.

What the f*ck was that about?!?

I'm not even wasting my Mooge on this and giving it a score.

That's right - NO SCORE FOR YOU!!

In fact, I'm adding you to my "Moog's Awful Movie List."

The bright spot here, is that flies only have a lifespan of a little over two weeks.

With the Apollo 11 mission taking 8 days, we can be pretty sure that all the characters in this film are now dead and won't be making a sequel.

I'm gonna miss Nadia, though.

Big fly boobies.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we'll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

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