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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hard Candy (squirm factor: 5)

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Hard Candy

What can I say about “Hard Candy” other than:

The last time I was this uncomfortable watching a movie, was the time I watched Wild Things with my mom.

It wasn’t the screaming hot lesbian scenes that were the problem.

It was the fact that I kept going, Ooooohhhh and had to hide my tented pants the entire time as I masturbated with my back to her.



Um..I mean:


I'm not gay.

(re-adding “Wild Things” onto my Netflix list now…my mom lives 20 miles away)

Back to ‘Hard Candy.’

Hard Candy is basically a story about a 14 year old girl (Ellen Page from the AWESOMELY AWESOME movie, Juno (see my review of 'Juno' here) lured into a relationship with a 32-year old pedophile (Patrick Wilson).

At least, she thinks he’s a pedophile…

...but we’re not sure if he is or not.

Hence, the mystery.

Was she lured here?

Was he going to attack her?

Did she plan this?

My GOD…can the camera guy get any f*cking closer to these people’s faces? I feel like I should try to pop their zits or something.


Why didn’t I rent something else?

I think I need to shave my balls…they’re feeling scruffy.

These are the things that came through my mind.

Sometimes...I drift off.

Regardless, the story ends up being a ‘thriller’ where you’re trying to figure out if Ellen Page is a f*cking fruitcake, or if this guy really is a pedophile.

This – thankfully – isn’t given away until the very end of the movie…so it DOES keep you entertained, in that respect.

For my guy readers out there, there are also plenty of scenes that will have you curled up on the f*cking couch worse than the torture scene in Braveheart.

Trust me on this one. You WILL squirm.

Overall, not bad.

Not great…and I probably wouldn’t watch it again.

Squirming on my couch that much through this one time is more than enough.

My score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

Now…off to shave my nads.

I need to be ready for when “Wild Things” arrives.

Dammit...I'm gonna need more tissues.

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Anonymous said...

you should have waited to watch this movie on you new sofa. All that squirming will help break in the plastic fabric!

LBluca77 said...

I thought this movie was good, creepy but good. I kept forgetting Ellen Page was not a little boy though.

Simply Curious said...

This movie made me dislike Ellen. I'm not sure what is was about her other than the fact that she acts like fucking psycho. I think it's the fact that shes canadian and tries to talk with a very strong california, american accent. It bugs me. But I did enjoy Juno, lots. And I think she was perfect for the role. So fuck it. I could never be a critic. I end up liking every movie I watch.

Oh, mind if I bring my backpack tonight? I have a class before our rendezvous.

AngryMan said...

Juno sucked and you suck for liking it.

Michael Knight Rambo said...

I liked Hard Candy up until that part where the dude goes to her house with a bucket of KFC and coolers only to find that guy from Dateline or whatever sitting in the kitchen.
I liked Freeway, with Kiefer Sutherland and Reese Witherspoon, if anyone wants to watch another modern Red Riding Hood story.

FreeOscar said...

Of course you are going to watch this again, you've put it on your Amazon Wish List.