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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"Marley and Me" - Honey...Have You Seen My Testicles?

Today I'm reviewing:

Marley and Me

Fucking Ay.

Marley and Me.

I'm going to go off on a tangent here and instead of giving you the plot and characters and shit, I'm just going to give you a quiz.

Here goes:

Q: How do you know if you should rent Marley and Me?

1) Are you male?

If you answered 'yes' to this, then RUN.


Run away from this movie and never ever look back.

Because there is no fucking way in Hell that you're not going to turn into a fucking testosterone-free, ball-less, pussified blubbering jackass woman-like piece of jell-o by the time this movie is over.

If you get through this movie and you're not bawling like 5 year old fat kid who just dropped his Sno-Cone on the hot pavement in mid-July after spending his last 50 cents on it...

...then let me be first to congratulate you on your choice of career in the slaughterhouse industry.

My wife wanted to see this in the theater.

Thank Christ 'The Dark Knight' intervened or otherwise I would have been exiting the fucking lobby looking like I'd just been pepper sprayed for three hours straight.

There's no fucking way, dude, you can watch this and somehow try to maintain the 'head of household' or 'man' portion of the relationship.

Luckily for me, I gave that up years ago.

To the Ladies:

Unless you want to see your man reduced to a slobbering corpse of what he once was, do NOT make him watch this.

Especially if he has a fucking dog. Holy shit...I don't even like my fucking dog and I was damn near close to knitting her a fucking sweater at the end of this movie.



Fucking dog.

Overall - the story was, eh.

By the is NOT a movie for kids.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

Excuse me now.

I only have one booty left to knit and my dog's outfit will be complete.

Don't know what you've got til it's gone, ya know.

Stupid dog.

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1 comment:

Kristi said...

Mooooog, dahling....

I own this movie, but haven't watched it. I heard about it...and I just can't bring myself to do it.

Dogs? omg....I had to leave mine behind in AZ....for's killing me.

Dogs in movies? Sheesh. Always a tear jerker.

You want to bawl like a baby? Watch Taking Chance on HBO.

Kevin Bacon. I give you 5 minutes before you're a sobbing wreck.

I guarantee it.