Really? A F*cking Spaceship?!?

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

...where my opinion is about as useful as George Bush's college degree.

So...yeah...

...not so much.

Today I'm reviewing:

Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Fresh on the heels of the super-awesome-boner-inducing thrill ride that was Iron Man...

(see my review here)

...I was pretty pumped to see this one as well.

And...unfortunately...

...so were my kids.


Before I get into it, let me say this:

I WILL GIVE YOU SPOILERS HERE.

However, I will not give out the ending (as I've already done it in the title...HA HA!!).

If you just want my score...head to the bottom NOW.


That said...here's why you should never take TWO children (ages 4 and 7) to a PG-13 movie:

1) I had to explain to them what "Roswell" was

2) I had to explain to them what a nuclear bomb was

3) I had to tell my son 26 times to "sit down or I WILL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW!"

4) I had to explain every single plot point...TWICE

This last point - explaining the plot twists - really, really sucked because I was seated in the middle of my kids.

As such, my head moved side to side more than Paris Hilton when she met the Backstreet Boys.


I'm sure this made for a wonderful movie-going experience for the people behind us...

...and the 90-year old coughing (SERIOUSLY DUDE...eat a f*cking lozenge!!) guy in front of us.

Back to the review...

With all this said, I thought the movie was okay.

I'm just glad that my wife decided to stay home...

...otherwise, I would have to go see some bullsh*t movie with Jennifer Aniston in it just to make up for taking her to it.


Here's the bottom line:

Harrison Ford:
The guy is STILL awesome. Not as many funny one-liners as we're used to...but he's still worth watching.

Shia LaBeouf:
Not a bad turn, although I liked him better in Transformers.


Which leads me to:

Megan Fox:
Unlike Shia LaBeouf, she's in Transformers but NOT in this movie...so you lose a WHOLE SPLAT right there.


Karen Allen:
GMILF. I actually think she looks better in this movie than in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

It looks like age has also given her boobs, which were seriously lacking in the first movie.

Spaceship:
There it is.
There's a f*cking spaceship in this movie. Now you know.

Given this, I would think that if Spielberg and Lucas did the same old "now he's in the jungle...now he's in a cave...now he's being chased...now he's back in the jungle.." there wouldn't be a whole lot new to the franchise and people would have bitched.

They've added a little sci-fi to it...which can be good and bad.

In my case...it was more like:

"..what the...?"

A little Megan Fox wouldn't have hurt, though.

**************************

My Score:

Two and a half Mooge splats
(out of a possible four)



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Haven't had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
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A Seal, A Lesbian, and Some Majorly Ripped Abs

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please…

...you’re embarrassing yourselves.

Now…let’s get started.

This past weekend, my family and I went to see “Nim’s Island.”

For those of you without kids, this movie may not ring a bell with you.

Let’s take a look at why:

(Nim’s Island commercial comes on):

People with kids:

“That looks cute. Hey kids, want to see that this weekend? There’s a silly seal in it!”

People without kids:

People without kids say nothing because they’re having sex and doing all kinds of other fun sh*t besides talking about movies with f*cking silly seals in it.


Anyway…

At an hour-and-a-half long, my son – who is four – found the movie a little long.

Four year olds tend to feel this way about movies when there’s:

1) nothing exploding
2) nothing animated
3) some type of plot that doesn't involve a talking sponge

Actually...this also describes my criteria for a movie as well.


Anyway...

My son also has the memory of a snail and, as such, has to ask me about every person or thing in every scene for the duration of the entire movie.

Son: “Who’s that daddy?”

Me: “Well...that’s Nim.”

(Nim, while dancing turns to face away from the camera…then spins back around)

Son: “Who’s that girl?”

Me: “I just told you. That’s Nim.”

Son: “Who’s Nim?”

*pause*

Me: “I’m not your real father.”


Anyway…about the movie...

The movie stars:

- Abigail Breslin (the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine” (I LOVE this movie, and probably would have liked “Nim” even more if Steve Carell reprised his role as the mental uncle here)

- Jodie Foster (as far as Lesbos go, she’s a pretty hot one)

- Gerard Butler (the lead guy from the movie “300” - another kick-ass testosterone-fueled blood-n-guts movie that I LOVE)

- A sea lion that plays soccer

- A lizard that makes noise (seriously…do lizards actually make noise? I have no idea)

- A pelican that’s apparently smarter than the three human actors combined.


The movie is entirely aimed at kids…

…so most of what happens here is not the least bit believable.

If you understand this going in, you’ll be fine and can tolerate the “plot.”

Otherwise, you’ll be sitting through the whole movie looking like the people left in the theater at the end of "Cloverfield"…

…or how I looked at the end of “No Country for Old Men.”

People at the end of “Cloverfield”: “..what the…?”

Me at the end of “No Country”: “..what the…?”


Got it? Expect nothing, mom and dad.

It’s aimed at kids.

I was surprised, though, at one scene in the movie.

Gerard Butler and Jodi Foster were standing at the edge of the volcano crater.

Suddenly, he shouts:

“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!”…

…then kicked the bitch in.

F*cking Aay! Awesome!

Sorry..sorry…that’s what I was HOPING would happen.

But how f*cking COOL would THAT have been?!


Anyway…

There’s a dead mom (making this an instant children’s classic), a basic plot, and – again - that awesome dude from “300.”

As such, my daughter (who is 7, and can remember things for longer than 2 minutes at a time) enjoyed the movie…

My wife and I thought it was bearable.

By "bearable," I mean that I hadn't carved my eyes out with a spork by the end of it.

I’d ask my son’s opinion, but I don’t think he remembers actually watching it.

Me: “Cam, did you enjoy Nim’s Island?”

Son: “Nim who?”

You can find my son in the parking lot of the movie theater.

I left him there.

Don’t worry, he’s wearing a dog tag with our address on it.

Anyway...we have two scores:

People with Kids:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats


People without kids:

1 Moog Splat (or 2 Moog Splats if you’re making out in the theater and can pull off the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick)



To see my other movie reviews, you can click here.

Enjoy your weekend.

Moog out.